Top Phrase to Avoid After an Infidelity

Many couples struggle to figure out what to do after an infidelity. While some people grapple with the idea of a separation, many other couples consider working on the relationship. If you decide to work at it, you will likely have many difficult conversations. In this video, we cover an important phrase to avoid. One of the most important things to do when you are working at things is to show your commitment to each other. This phrase sometimes has multiple meanings about that commitment. Learn more in the video.

To make an appointment, visit www.therapistinstlouis.com or to visit the podcast go to www.aboutsexpodcast.com for more information. Angela Skurtu, LMFT is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Marriage Therapist.

Should you Professionally Publish or Self-Publish?

Let's say you have done the work to write your book and now you are trying to figure out how to publish. What is the benefit of professionally publishing your book versus going the self-publishing route? There are pros and cons to both routes.

People who self publish usually do so because they would like to have more control of their work. You submit your manuscript to a vanity publisher for a nominal fee and they create books for you. The nice thing is that you can always order more and you make more money off of each book. (This is because usually they will only charge a small fee for each published book. The rest is yours).

The challenge to going this route is that you have to do all the marketing work yourself. You often buy a few copies of your book and peddle them at book signings or at your speaking engagements. The success or failure of your book solely relies on you. You are responsible for getting it on Amazon or getting it featured in magazines or radio shows. For people who don't know all the avenues where they can market a book, they will spend a great deal of time learning the ropes and maybe only getting so far.

Professionally publishing a book has some perks. As an author who has sold their book to a publisher, you look more professional. You gain a bit of notoriety even if your book does not make it to the best seller list. To be honest, I think new authors should have a realistic view on their book. You are not likely going to make it to the best seller list. However, you can sell a few books with the help of the publisher and have that professional clout that self-publishing does not offer.

One of the challenges with professionally publishing is that you have to find someone who will buy your book. If they do buy it, they will take a majority of the money while you make closer to 10% or less of each book. If you are a professional, a good place to shop for a publisher is within your own professional field. I submitted by book proposals to a publisher that solely publishes books for other mental health professionals. It's a small company, but it is easier to get a book deal with a publisher that works in your field.

My publisher did do a lot of work to market my book. They put it in amazon for me. They took out a page ad in Psychology Today. They gave me specific ideas for how I could market the book within my own region. They helped me copy edit and the end result is a fabulous, professional looking book. You can see it here, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." While they do take more money off the top, they work for it.

Ultimately, you have to decide what route is best for you. I have enjoyed my experience enough to professionally publish two books now, but ultimately the decision is yours.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy and author of the books, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians," and "Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist's Manual," (Coming 2018). To join her workshop on how to write a book, visit the following link "How to Write Your Book! A Writing Workshop for Non-Fiction/Self-Help Books."

Has anyone ever told you that you are putting too much pressure on them to have sex? Has anyone ever made you feel very pressured to have sex? This is a common problem couples complain about in their sex life. In this video, I teach couples how to enjoy sex and create a "no pressure" system. Learn more here at this video.

https://youtu.be/WA2q_kvblYU

Your Ultimate Guide to Sex Toys

Have you ever struggles with how to purchase a sex toy? Many people go into a sex store feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the variety. In this video, I cover different types of sex toys you can purchase to learn more about what would fit your needs. Please subscribe, share and comment if you find this helpful!

Communication Styles In Relationships

For anyone who has ever struggled to have a successful conversation with their partner, you are not alone. In this video, I cover a few specific challenges that couples have when they try to talk through a conflict. It may be the way you each process information that affects your ability to hear and understand each other. Subscribe to my youtube channel for weekly relationship tips.

Can couples survive infidelity?

The big news of this week is about Mohammad Ali’s death on June 3, 2016. It was a well known fact about Ali that he cheated multiple times on his wives. He was very famous, had many women interested in him, and often engaged in one night stands with these women.

However, infidelity is not solely a challenge for very successful men and women. While it is understood in our culture that people in positions of high power, high wealth, or high popularity will likely cheat, the infidelity rates for the common person are also staggering. 57% of men and 54% of women admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they have had. Researchers know that people are not always honest about their actions so the numbers may be higher.
 

Why do so many people cheat? Is it possible to be fully monogamous in a relationship or are we kidding ourselves? What is it that couples are doing to prevent cheating in their relationships? As a Couples Therapist, I find myself in the trenches daily helping couples work through the aftermath of an affair. It is long, excruciating, and painful work for the couple to do and yet half of my practice is focused on guiding couples through this crisis.
 

Right after a person finds out about their partner’s infidelity, they experience a wide range of emotions-pain, anger, fear of losing their partner, confusion, jealousy, shock and even numbness. They feel lost, deceived, and alone.
 

The unfaithful partner experiences a similar range of emotions. They sometimes feel confused, anxious they could lose their partner, ashamed and guilty for the choices they made, angry, bitter, and disillusioned. I tell all my clients to expect to feel like they are riding a roller coaster of emotion over the next several months with extreme highs and extreme lows.
 

The difficulty is that many people feel as though they need to take action when they feel these extreme emotions. In response to anxiety about losing their partner, they may find themselves spending every minute they can together. In response to feeling confused, they may find themselves questioning the actions taken during the affair relentlessly. In response to anger, they may find themselves seeking revenge. Who hasn’t heard a story of someone who violently assaulted the lover of a partner at some point?
 

Why are couples choosing to work at it? Somewhere deep down, I think many people understand that an affair is not a full relationship. You only get the good parts-great sex, positive time together, and no responsibilities. In an affair, you don’t see how the other person handles chores or child rearing. You don’t really have to engage much in the day to day grind or as I refer to it in my book Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians, “The Business of Relationships.”
 

When the infidelity is found out, many unfaithful partners reevaluate the choice they made and often decide to stay and work on their marriage. According to Peggy Vaughan, a San Diego researcher, 67% of people whose spouses committed an affair were still married and living together. This is a stark contrast to the old belief that if someone has an affair, it means the end of the relationship.

If your relationship has recently suffered from an affair, you are not alone, but the road to recovery is a long and difficult one. Many of the couples I help work for years to rebuild the trust lost from the infidelity. That’s only one part of the rebuilding process. Couples also have to rebuild their sex lives, improve the quality of their relationship, and sort through the various mixed emotions without making the situation worse for each other.
 

If you are trying to figure out whether to work through an affair with you partner, a good first step is to seek help from a counselor in your area. It is not an easy task, but many couples who work through infidelity can find a way to improve their relationship.

Angela Skurtu is the author of the book, Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians. She is a speaker, author, couples and sex therapist. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit angelaskurtu@gmail.com.

Power Dynamics in Sexual Relationships

One part of our sex life is power roles. If you take a closer look at your relationship to sex, you will likely recognize that you tend to play a certain role in the power structure of sex. At the very basic level there is the dominant role and the submissive role. To be clear, I am not referring to Kink lifestyles here. In basic vanilla relationships, you can see a basic power dynamic of some partners who tend to be more submissive and some who tend to be more dominant. You can also find people who are comfortable in both roles.

People who prefer the dominant role tend to call more of the shots during the sexual interactions. These people tend to initiate sex more and generally lead the show while sex occurs. This person will suggest different positions, guide their partner through the kissing and touching, and be more assertive about what steps they will take to move through the sexual act. A person who is dominant in the bedroom does not necessarily have to be dominant life.
 

People who take more of a submissive role will usually not initiate sex as much as a dominant partner would. They will respond to their partner’s advances for sex, but they generally don’t prefer to take the lead. They take a “go with the flow” approach to sex. They are generally open to their partner’s suggestions and like to be guided along. Just as in the case with the dominants, a person who is submissive in the bedroom does not necessarily have to be submissive in life.
 

Also, in each case, a person can move out of either a submissive or dominant role at times. For example, a submissive may initiate sex with their partner and even suggest a few ideas here and there. The same is true for a dominant. They may go along for the ride with their partner at times. To be titled the submissive or the dominant simply means that as a sexual person, you tend to prefer one or the other more. There are also plenty of people who might identify as right in the middle-equally enjoying both the dominant and submissive roles.
 

Typically, if you have one dominant and one submissive, things tend to run smoothly as long as each partner is happy with the frequency and quality of their sex life. The same is true for 2 submissives or 2 dominants—so long as they can be flexible and practice regularly stepping out of their typical role.

How do these roles negatively affect a person’s sex life? Consider two submissives in a relationship. If both people prefer the other person to initiate more and take the lead, a variety of things can happen. In one common example, couples stop having sex altogether. They both keep waiting for the other person to try, nothing happens, and they feel rejected.
 

In another example, one submissive may take on more of the dominant role, but feel very bitter about it. They feel bitter because it’s not easy for them to take on the dominant role and they feel like they are the only one putting effort into the sexual relationship. The other submissive will usually go along with the sex they have, but will not understand why their partner gets so angry about initiating all the time.
 

In yet another example, sometimes a person has mainly been in relationships with dominants and their current partner is a submissive. I have talked to many couples in this situation. Often they describe their partner as weird or “not normal.” The reality is that both roles are very normal and both roles are not gender specific. While males may typically play the dominant role, there are plenty of men who prefer the submissive role. While females may typically play the submissive role, plenty of women enjoy taking a more dominant role as well.
 

There can sometimes be problems with two dominants in a relationship, but this depends on each of their flexibility as people. For example, if they are both willing to flexibly move in and out of dominant and submissive roles, they’ll find ways to take turns and probably still get along. However, if they are stubborn, then it may feel uncomfortable to not be in control. They may struggle to let the other person take the lead.
 

In any case, knowing your typical sexual power role can be helpful in determining whether you are sexually compatible with your partner. In cases where couples can’t seem to put their finger on the problem, when I discuss power dynamics, there is often mismatched power roles at play. Which power role do you feel most comfortable in?

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is author of the book "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." She is also a speaker, couples therapist and sex therapist. To make an appointment, visit www.Therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.