I found porn on my 11 year old son’s computer. How should parents handle this?

Every kid experiments with sex at different ages. It is typical for boys and girls to get curious about sex around the ages of puberty which can range from ages 10 to 11 for girls and 11 to 12 for boys. Long ago, kids had to work a little harder to find pornographic images. They might find a magazine under a dad’s bed or have an older teenage friend or brother who passed down a magazine. These days, porn is much easier to track down and find online, often for free.

The important thing to remember is that porn by itself is not necessarily harmful. Plenty of men and women of a variety of ages have looked at porn with little to no consequences. Some people even report they learned a few things about how to give oral sex or how to try new sexy things with their partner. I even know couples who watch porn together before sex to get in the mood.

With that being said, parents should talk to their kids when they find out about porn usage or if they catch their kids masturbating. These are considered teachable moments. Be very neutral and if you can muster it, try to be positive about sex. Your child is developing their views and values at this time, and you don’t want them to see sex as shameful or dirty.

Parents who take a very reactive or punishing approach to sex typically get kids who won’t talk to them again. These kids find ways to hide their actions or get information from less accurate sources such as teenage friends, porn, or even guessing.

Opportunities like this can be a great way to teach our kids about important sexual concepts. You may discuss some of your values regarding sex or ask your child what they have learned about sex either from the videos or from friends. Typically, kids have some gaps in knowledge, and this can be a helpful step in addressing those gaps. For example, porn often shows people who get right to the point, whereas real sex is much better when you take your time with foreplay and romance.

Some important questions you may ask include: What have you learned about sex? What do other kids say about it? Have you ever tried anything with yourself? With another person? What was it like? What do you want to know more about? Again, remain neutral and take a positive approach. The point is not to try to catch them and punish them for doing something wrong. Sexual exploration is normal and common.

Once you have a dialogue, you can begin to explain boundaries you would like to see your child follow. For example, if they are masturbating, you can suggest they do so in the privacy of their bedroom or the bathroom shower. Depending on how you feel about porn, you may either suggest they limit their time using it or that they don’t show those images to other siblings. You may also suggest they wait to look at porn again until they are older, but then get them an educational book about sex such as “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Harris and Emberley.

Kids who are educated about sex by their parents often make better decisions regarding their relationships and love lives. Providing a neutral and positive atmosphere helps kids feel safe to bring up topics with you when they have bigger issues to work through such as deciding to have sex for the first time. After having such a conversation, you can even say, “we know that you will have more decisions to make about sex in the future. We ask that when the time comes, you discuss it with us. We want to help you figure things out.”

You may be surprised by how much your kid already knows. If your child initially reacts fearfully or tries to avoid the conversation, you can still open the door to having future conversations by saying, “It’s okay if you are not ready to discuss this now. However, we would like to have more conversations with you in the future. We care about you and we are here if you have any questions.”

If you would like to make an appointment please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

What are the causes and treatments for vaginal dryness?

There are a variety of causes for vaginal dryness. Some of the causes could include differing estrogen levels after menopause, cancer treatments, child birth, certain medications and even a lack of foreplay. If you are experiencing vaginal dryness, here are a few tips for how to treat this problem.

1)      Use a lubricant daily to soften the vaginal walls. This can be inserted with your fingers or with the help of a baster. Rub the lubricants around the first 2 to 3 inches of the vaginal entrance (avoiding the urethra). Lubricants that can be used include olive oil, cold pressed coconut oil, or a water based lubricant such as Astroglide or ID.

2)      During sex, use a water based lubricant to make sure the penis is easily inserted. Rub the lubricant around your partner’s penis and around the opening to the vagina. 

3)      If you use these lubricants, and you are still experiencing problems, you can ask your doctor for a prescription. The most common prescriptions prescribed include: Vaginal Estrogen Ring (Estring), Vaginal Estrogen Tablet (Vagifem), and Vaginal Estrogen Cream (Estrace, Premarin).

4)      A helpful resource for learning more about pain during sex is the book “When Sex Hurts,” by Goldstein and Pukol.

5)  Finally, getting a combination of treatment from a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist, a Sex Therapist, and a Urologist/Gynecologist is the most effective course of treatment for pain during sex.

To make an appointment, call Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or www.therapistinstlouis.com.

Can you overuse a vibrator?

Vibrators alone cannot become addictive. However, if used consistently in place of a romantic relationship, one could be accused of vibrator overuse. In these cases, a partner is usually asking for more physical intimacy to be shared rather than relying on solo-sex with a vibrator.

Vibrators can be an excellent enhancement to your love making. For many women, the vibrator can allow orgasm to happen when it previously was not occurring. It is important to find ways to incorporate your partner in the use of a vibrator. 

If you would like to introduce vibrators, talk to your partner about what he/she would be interested in. Next, stop by a sex store or visit a website and research some of the possible tools available. For people who are confused by the whole process, host a pure romance party to learn about different vibrators and how they are used.

Finally, make a plan to introduce the vibrator into your next sexual experience. Be clear with your partner about what feels good and what does not. Try it out on yourself and on your partner as well. After the experience, communicate about what you would like to see happen again and things that felt uncomfortable.  Adjust your use the next time based on what you discussed.

The important thing is to use a vibrator as a piece of your sex life rather than the primary tool you rely on to use. It is important to find a variety of ways to use your bodies and your fantasies as a means for achieving pleasure and possible orgasm.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Sometimes I don’t get orgasms with my partner, is this normal?

Yes, it is normal. It is not necessary to have an orgasm in order to have good sex. It is necessary to have the ability to accept differences in you and your partner’s sexual response. Both males and females experience sex in different ways. You can enjoy sex by being present and enjoying the moment whether or not either of you has an orgasm.

It is important to have a dialogue about what is going on when you are not having an orgasm. Many individuals find it helpful to say directly, “Let’s make tonight about you,” when they know they aren't going to have an orgasm. Other things to say can include, “I want to enjoy the sex for what it is and it’s okay if I don’t get to orgasm this time.” In the first scenario, the person is not interested in being the focus of attention and may just not be in the mood to do all the work to get an orgasm. In the second scenario, someone may be enjoying the act of sex but not able to get to the next level during this sexual experience.  Both options are fine as long as both partners are happy with what they are doing. Talking about it ahead of time can also be helpful. In a less stressful time couples can discuss sex more directly.

If you never feel like you are getting orgasms with your partner, this is likely going to be a problem long term. In order to get better orgasms: experiment with yourself. Learn what it takes to make you have an orgasm. Try this with your hand first instead of a vibrator because it is difficult to mimic the movements of a vibrator with a hand or tongue.

Then invite your partner in. Show your partner how you like to be touched by having them watch first. Then, have him/her put their hand over your hand as you explore yourself. This gives them an idea of how to practice touching you. Remember to be direct with them and tell them exactly what feels good. After some practice, your partner should be able to give you some orgasms.

Some helpful books to reference about getting orgasms include Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman, For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach, and The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.

Is it strange to have a higher sex drive than your guy?

In any relationship, each partner will have different desire levels. Some people desire sex once a month, once a week, or three times a week, while others desire it once a year. Clearly, there is a large variety of sex drives.

When in a relationship with someone whose drive is lower than yours, it is important to come up with options to make sure each person feels satisfied. Couples need to discuss this openly and directly to come up with the best options for themselves.

One idea may be to cuddle and kiss your partner while the other person self-pleasures. Another idea could be that one partner is willing to provide oral or manual stimulation to help their partner feel sexual. This not only satisfies the high desire partner but can also give you a sense of fulfillment by being able to provide pleasure to your partner. Another option is for couples to come up with trade-offs. For example, one night, you ask your partner to give you a full body massage in exchange for a blow job.

It is very important to feel as though there is a good balance between sexual and non-sexual intimacy. If you feel pressured by the higher desire partner, find a positive way to explain that you need some nights to be focused on non-sexual touch such as kissing, cuddling on the couch or in bed, or just holding hands. When a high desire partner is willing to engage in “no-pressure for sex” nights, it is an important way for them to show respect and love.

Another important tip is to schedule specific times for sex. Some couples don’t like this idea because they believe it takes the spontaneity out of sex. However, in our busy worlds of kids, jobs, and everything else, if you don’t schedule it, it may not happen. Try to schedule a least one date night every other week where you know sex will be involved. That day before the sex date, get thinking about sexy thoughts and flirting with each other to set the mood. This can also be a great way to introduce a new sexy idea, because in the planning you can talk about things you would like to try with each other. Planning can still be sexy!

Finally, seek help if you are struggling. This is a common problem and a Sex Therapist can help couples to find that balance so that both partners feel happy, healthy, and loved.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or to purchase tickets to one of her seminars visit her website at St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.

Sometimes sex hurts because my boyfriend's penis is too big. What positions or strategies can work with this?

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How do you get your man to be more romantic?

When it comes to romance, it is clear that women tend to complain they don't get enough in their relationships. I hear time and again from the women I speak with that their guys either aren't interested in being romantic or just don't know how to do it. Here are a few tips for how to get more romance from your partner.

1) Praise him when he takes any small steps towards being romantic. Most women I know take more of a critical approach to getting their needs and wants met. They will tell their partner what he is doing wrong rather than encourage what he is doing right. This leaves guys (and gals) feeling like they can't win even when they are trying. So when you see him make an effort towards being romantic, acknowledge it by being thankful. Control your urge to say "I wish you would do this more often," which is a complaint. Instead say, "I love that you arranged this romantic dinner." When you encourage small efforts, you will get more over time.

2) Recognize that guys show romance differently than girls. I have had couples in my office who both reported they were trying to be romantic. However, since they did it differently, they did not recognize their partner's efforts. Each of you can make a list of things you find romantic and compare them. Then pick things from each list to do for each other. The key to this exercise is it do things on your partner's list to show romance and vice versus. You be responsible for trying things on your partner's list, and have your partner be responsible for trying things on your list.

3) Take initiative to create the romance you desire. Too many women get caught up in the idea that it is the man's job to romance the woman. Romance is a two way street. If you want want more romance, you can put the effort in as well. Light candles when you have dinner together. Put on some music and ask to dance in the kitchen. Set up a date night where you both get to dress up and have a night on the town. When he participates in the romance, thank him for spending the time with you.

4) Make it a priority. In the end, romance is a habit like any other habit. You can make a schedule for date nights, come up with daily rituals or even pick out a book that you try new things from weekly. It doesn't matter how you do it as long as you each feel taken care of.

To make an appointment, contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com. To purchase tickets to an event, Angela is hosting Sex, Wine and Chocolate on June 28, 2013.