Why Sex is a Difficult Topic for People

Many American adults do NOT know how to talk about sex in a productive way. I think this happens for a variety of reasons. One, Americans are often educated using abstinence only education or consequence only education.

Abstinence only education encourages individuals to wait to have sex until marriage. It often does not cover the use of condoms or birth control. Abstinence Plus education may still encourage people to wait for marriage, but it at least covers the use of condoms and birth control. It gives very little information about what to do if you are interested in having sex such as how to consent to sex, how to negotiate for your needs, or how to enjoy sex.
 

I consider both forms of education to be “consequence only” education because it only covers the negative consequences people will experience should they have sex before marriage. While comprehensive sex education does exist, this is not the most commonly used education across the country.
 

Another reason Americans struggle to talk about sex is that their primary educators tend to be friends or porn. While some people did have parents who tried to educate them about sex, the vast majority of my clients had to learn by picking up pieces here and there. So friends and porn helped them learn how to have sex, but it still didn’t teach them how to have a healthy conversation.

Just think about one common theme in porn-the girl who doesn’t want to have sex initially but then gives in. If you learned about sex by watching this type of porn, you may have the assumption that if you pressure a girl enough, she will want to have sex with you. If you look at my clients who have sex starved marriages, the one statement every female in the relationship says is that she feels “pressured” to have sex by her partner.
 

America does not even rank in the top 12 countries for sexual satisfaction rates. We also have high rates of STDs and high rates of teenage pregnancy compared to other first world countries.

If we want to learn how to talk about sex, we need to start talking about sex comfortably at younger ages. We, as a country, need to offer more comprehensive sex education to children so they learn how to talk about sex in more effective ways. Even if your school system doesn’t offer this education, you need to talk more directly with your kids about sex so they learn how to understand and respect it.
 

If you are an adult who has yet to learn what you need to know about sex, you are not alone. Many of the adults I see in sex therapy struggle to feel confident about who they are as a sexual person. When I run my adult sex education seminars, one of the most common questions I hear tends to be, “Am I normal?” Individuals will state some unique desire or sexual interest they have, and then ask if that is normal.
 

Often, the answer is yes. For example: 1) if you like to masturbate, you are normal; 2) if you fantasize while having sex, you are normal; 3) if you like having sex in various positions, you are normal; 4) if you want to try using a sex toy, you are normal; 5) if you have ever thought getting a spanking might be sexy, you are normal. I can’t answer every question here, but the answer is often NORMAL!
 

If you care about this topic or just want to get more comfortable talking about sex, here are a few books that can help you as an adult learn and grow. “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Robie Harris; “The Guide to Getting it On,” by Paul Joannides; “Sexual Intelligence,” by Marti Klein. If these books start you on a long journey to educate yourself, visit the AASECT website for other suggested books and materials. You deserve to be a confident and healthy sexual individual regardless of how you were raised!

Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." To contact her, call 314-973-7997 or email her at angelaskurtu@gmail.com.

How to talk about sex

A big part of my job as a sex therapist is to teach couples how to talk about sex. The couples I typically see either fight with each other about sex, criticize each other about sex, or avoid talking about sex. Each of these methods has a similar outcome-the couples are unhappy with their sex life. Couples need to learn how to negotiate to get their needs and desires met with one another in a positive and respectful way.  

To better understand how to talk about sex, couples can learn about the 5 negotiation styles-competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. The competing style involves winning at all costs. A person who takes a “my way or the highway” approach is using this style. The problem with using this style in sex is that only one person may end up happy at the expense of the other. Over time, this will lead to either lower sexual desire or resentment in the person who constantly feels like they are losing.

The avoiding style of negotiation can also be difficult, because no one brings up the problem. Couples in this situation either stay unhappy with their sex life for long periods of time or find ways to resolve the problem on their own for good or bad. An affair is one example of how a person may try to resolve the issue on their own, but this “resolution” obviously comes with some very challenging consequences.

The other three negotiation styles accommodating, compromising, and collaborative can be more helpful styles to use when negotiating for a more positive sex life depending on the situation.

For example, an accommodating style of negotiation is when one partner will give a win to the other person. In the movie Star Wars, R2D2 is playing a game with Chewbacca. Chewbacca gets angry when R2D2 makes a winning move. After further discussion with Han Solo, C3PO advises R2D2 to, “Let the wookie win.”

Sometimes in sex, it can also be helpful to “let the wookie win” especially if you don’t care much about the outcome. For example, one partner may say, “It would be nice if we could make out for a bit before getting into sex.” If making out sounds like a fun start or it doesn’t bother you, go along with it. “Sounds good! Whatever makes you happy!” In another example, one person may prefer to be on top during sex. If you really don’t care whether you are on top or bottom (or in some other unique position), then go with it.

The compromising style of negotiation can also be a very effective way to address sexual needs especially if you are not on the same page with your partner. The compromising style involves a half-win and a half-lose. Each person gets a little and gives a little. One example of how this works is if one partner is interested in sex while the other partner is not. “I am not feeling it tonight, babe, but what do you say we start tomorrow with a romp in the sheets. I’ll be well rested and ready to go!” In this situation, both have to give a little to make things work. In another example, one partner wants to have sex every day while the other partner wants to have sex once weekly. The compromise may involve 2 sex days and one wild card day or 3 sex days with the higher desire partner masturbating more on off days. Either way, the couple will need to come up with a middle ground that they each can live with.

The final negotiation style that is my personal favorite is the collaborative approach. In the collaborative approach, the couple is working on finding win/win solutions. “How can we both be happy at the end of this sexual encounter?” For example, one partner may be interested in sex while the other is not. If you are taking a collaborative approach you may say, “I am not ready for sex now, but I could be with a little work. How about we  . . .” insert what thing might help you to get in the mood. Both partners win because they both get a happy ending.

In an ideal world, couples would always use the collaborative negotiation style and have many, many happy endings. The reality is that nobody has a perfect sex life. Rather than putting a lot of pressure on your relationship, it is better to learn when and how to use the different negotiation tactics so that you can still be mostly happy. Hopefully, you can learn to negotiate your needs and desires in a fun, respectful way.

           

 

How often should a couple have sex monthly?

The answer to this question can be somewhat complex. It depends on each individual's desire level, the couple's agreed upon frequency, and if both partners feel sexually fulfilled with the frequency they have agreed upon.

Each individual's desire is very different depending on a variety of factors: hormonal levels, health and energy, age, illness and disability. In addition to these individual factors, relational factors can affect frequency as well. Relational factors can include how often each partner initiates, levels of romantic connection, flirtations, relationship satisfaction, and a couple's ability to negotiate for their needs and desires in a positive way.

There can be outside factors that affect frequency as well. Some of these factors include general level of stress, work loads, having young children in the home, having parents or roommates living in the home, and any other outside factors that sometimes get in the way of a frequent sex life.

With all of these factors in mind, here is the answer. Some couples are having sex once a day. Some couples are having sex 3 to 4 times a week. Some couples are having sex 1 to 2 times a week. Some couples have sex 1 or 2 times every 2 weeks. Some couples have sex once a month. Some couples have sex 6 times a year or less.

With these various numbers in mind, what you personally need to do is identify how often you prefer to have sex so you at least have an idea of what would make you happy. After identifying your baseline, then talk to your partner about what their frequency would be.

If you both are at a similar frequency, then the next step is to come up with some ideas for how to initiate sex more frequently with each other. For example, one person can dress really sexy and dance for their partner. In another example, couples can say something suggestive like, "You want to head upstairs? You might get lucky!"

If you both are at a different frequency, then it is a good idea to discuss what compromise might make you both happy. For example, If one person likes sex once weekly while the other person likes it every day, maybe you can compromise with 3 times weekly, or 2 times weekly with one wild card activity such as making out, oral sex, etc.

If you are compromising down for your partner, then in between in those times, find ways to please yourself through masturbation. Not all sex is meant to be between a couple. There will be different times in your life where you are not on the same page about frequency of sex. This does not mean you cannot enjoy sex at a frequency you desire as long as you are willing to fulfill your own needs in addition.

Ultimately, the frequency of sex doesn't matter as long as both partners are both happy and committed to fulfilling each other's sexual needs and desires within reason.

Angela Skurtu is the author of Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians. She is also the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that focuses on adults, couples and sex therapy. For more information call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

Why do some people have low desire?

Desire is a very tricky problem for people. There are some women and men who have always had a low desire throughout their lives. When asked about how their desire looked as teenagers, they will explain that they never felt the crazy surge of hormones like their peers felt. Sometimes, they would feel weird because everyone around them talked about sex while they had other more important things on their minds.

People in this category are often considered asexual. They rarely have feelings of attraction, and have little to no interest in sexual activities (even during times when everyone is supposed to be hypersexual, such as in adolescence).

Not everyone with low desire is considered asexual. There is a second category of people that did experience desire like everyone else. They went through the crazy teenage hormones and may even have had a good start sexually with their romantic partner. Somehow, along the way, they lost their desire for sex.

A first step for understanding this type of desire is to find out if the person has lost their desire for sex entirely or if it is specific to their current partner. Sometimes a person will still think about sex here and there, but either due to relationship trouble or boredom, they have lost interest sexually in their current partner.

Other times, a person finds themselves completely lacking any desire for sex with any partner. They rarely think about sex day to day. When they are trying to be sexual, they just aren't getting into the mood, and don't initiate sex very often.

There are many reasons why a person can lose interest in sex. They may be so busy with kids, work, and life's responsibilities that it literally is the last thing on their minds. They may be in a relationship for a long time and just feel like the routine doesn't spark their interest anymore. They may even have hormonal changes as they get older that affect their ability to experience desire.

Whatever the reason, it is important for couples to seek help and to actively address the problem as a team if they are unhappy about their desire levels. In our Sex, Wine, and Chocolate seminar, our speakers discuss some of the different ways couples can address desire as a team. The most important thing couples need to know is that they don't just have to accept low desire as a lifetime problem.

There are ways that couples learn to improve their desire and create compromises that help each of them to be more happy with their sex life.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She also wrote the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians," and runs a seminar that teaches couples how to bring the spark back into the relationship called, "Sex, Wine, and Chocolate." To make an appointment visit www.therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.

Why does therapy sometimes NOT work?

If you ask anyone you know about therapy, you will receive a wide variety of responses, pros and cons, and either successes or horror stories. Why do people have such varying outcomes when it comes to therapy? Below is a the top 5 list for why therapy is unsuccessful.

1) One or both parties are not committed to making a change in the relationship.

I'm a therapist, not a miracle worker. Sometimes, a couple comes in and one or more persons involved really is done with the relationship. They are tired of trying. They don't really like their partner anymore. They are already making plans to divorce. The sad thing is that many couples see therapy as a last resort when their marriage is ready to fall apart. What they need to do is come about 2 or 3 years earlier when they are still trying and still care about one another.

2) Clients expect all the work to be done in the therapy session.

Most therapy sessions last anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours per session once weekly or every other week. Clients live most of their lives outside of the therapy session. So while it is helpful to have a therapist guide you through some tough topics, therapy is very limited in what can be accomplished. The people who are getting the most help are using therapy as a catalyst to start longer conversations in their every day lives. They are putting effort into date nights, and spending time alone talking and really trying to understand each other. All of this effort takes place in their day to day lives.

3) Clients are expecting a quick fix.

The hard reality of therapy is that sometimes things get worse before they get better. Usually the first few weeks of therapy can be very intense. Why? People are great at compartmentalizing their problems. It is highly likely that they have avoided bringing up certain conversations because they either start a fight or they go nowhere. In therapy, my job is to bring up tough issues. Essentially, I am stirring the pot. In the beginning, clients will see more arguments and they will sometimes withdraw. They will ask themselves: Why am I in therapy if things are getting worse? If you can just hang in there, after some initial pot stirring, things start to improve. Clients learn skills for how to listen and to be more respectful. Over time, they get better at communicating about tough topics. Finally, therapy is over and has been a success.

4) Clients are with the wrong therapist.

Therapists come with many different backgrounds and trainings. Some therapists are great with kids but hate working with couples. Some therapists love new age, holistic treatments, while others prefer reality checks that get you thinking. There's a therapist for every couple. Ask questions and interview potential therapists. If it feels like you get a good connection with the therapist over the phone, try a session out to see if both of you connect with the therapist. You just need to find the one that is right for you!

5) Clients don't make therapy a priority.

When a couple is in crisis, they need to make their relationship the primary goal. Too often, a couple will schedule one session a month and expect this will somehow magically alter their relationship. The reality is that many couples take this approach with their marriage. They put every other priority before it and expect it to stay healthy. A relationship needs constant work to maintain its strength. If you are expecting to keep your relationship on the back burner, at some point, it will burn out.


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Her practice offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling." This book is written for both clients and clinicians. It covers the 5 habits of successful relationships. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

How can I add Kink to my Marriage?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Keeping a Healthy Sex Life While Trying to Have a Baby

There are many reasons couples have sex-to feel connected, to have orgasms, to feel confident or sexy. However, one of the most common reasons for couples to have sex is when they are trying to conceive.

While couples are trying to conceive, sex can have some difficulties depending on various steps they have to take. For some couples, trying is very easy and they quickly become pregnant. For other couples, trying to conceive becomes a difficult task that has the potential to harm a couples’ sex life.

How does conception challenge a sex life?  For some couples, the male begins to experience some performance problems. This can occur for many reasons. First, sex has previously been for fun alone. During conception, suddenly there is more pressure to perform and deliver. Anytime sex is pressured, it will have an effect on the performance. This pressure can cause erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation.

Another reason for performance problems is that for a long period the couple might have been in the mindset of avoiding pregnancy. While logically the couple has made the switch to conceive, that does not mean that a man’s body has gotten used to the idea. I have had some clients who stated it took them a while to get used to having sex without condoms or without attempting to pull out.

Another challenge that couples can face is sex feeling routine or even boring. This can happen because couples start performing sex in the same way again and again over a long period of time. The longer a couple takes to conceive, the larger the toll it takes on the relationship.

Not only is there high pressure to perform, but couples forget to incorporate doing fun things such as foreplay or variety. Sex becomes completely about getting to orgasm so they can potentially conceive. At times, couples aren’t even in the mood when they are having sex. Over time, if this pattern repeats often, a couple’s sex life can suffer.
 

How can couples keep a good sex life while trying to conceive?

1)      Take breaks. For many couples, it takes a while to conceive. For example, try to conceive for three months, then take one month off and just have sex for pleasure. Repeat this pattern several times if necessary.

2)      Take time for other kinds of affection daily such as kissing, hugging, cuddling, massages, flirting, etc.

3)      Experiment. Since you know you will be having sex for several days in a row, find ways to vary up each experience. Include toys in one session. Do a little role playing in the next session. Do some oral sex in the third session. Try your best to keep the fun in your sex life.

4)      Have sex when you aren’t ovulating. A good sex life is about both quantity and quality. Keep things going even when there is no potential to conceive.

5)      Get help. If you start to feel as though your relationship is feeling disconnected, seek support from a Marriage Therapist or Sex Therapist.

While having a child is a great goal, keeping a healthy marriage is an important part of the process. I have seen too many couples succeed at having a child only to watch as their marriages crumble. Your future kids learn about relationships by watching how you two work to keep that marriage strong.

 

Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. She also speaks at several businesses and conferences throughout the year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.