Saturday, January 6, 2018
Top Phrase to Avoid After an Infidelity
Many couples struggle to figure out what to do after an infidelity. While some people grapple with the idea of a separation, many other couples consider working on the relationship. If you decide to work at it, you will likely have many difficult conversations. In this video, we cover an important phrase to avoid. One of the most important things to do when you are working at things is to show your commitment to each other. This phrase sometimes has multiple meanings about that commitment. Learn more in the video.
To make an appointment, visit www.therapistinstlouis.com or to visit the podcast go to www.aboutsexpodcast.com for more information. Angela Skurtu, LMFT is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Marriage Therapist.
Friday, March 10, 2017
Should you Professionally Publish or Self-Publish?
Let's say you have done the work to write your book and now you are trying to figure out how to publish. What is the benefit of professionally publishing your book versus going the self-publishing route? There are pros and cons to both routes.
People who self publish usually do so because they would like to have more control of their work. You submit your manuscript to a vanity publisher for a nominal fee and they create books for you. The nice thing is that you can always order more and you make more money off of each book. (This is because usually they will only charge a small fee for each published book. The rest is yours).
The challenge to going this route is that you have to do all the marketing work yourself. You often buy a few copies of your book and peddle them at book signings or at your speaking engagements. The success or failure of your book solely relies on you. You are responsible for getting it on Amazon or getting it featured in magazines or radio shows. For people who don't know all the avenues where they can market a book, they will spend a great deal of time learning the ropes and maybe only getting so far.
Professionally publishing a book has some perks. As an author who has sold their book to a publisher, you look more professional. You gain a bit of notoriety even if your book does not make it to the best seller list. To be honest, I think new authors should have a realistic view on their book. You are not likely going to make it to the best seller list. However, you can sell a few books with the help of the publisher and have that professional clout that self-publishing does not offer.
One of the challenges with professionally publishing is that you have to find someone who will buy your book. If they do buy it, they will take a majority of the money while you make closer to 10% or less of each book. If you are a professional, a good place to shop for a publisher is within your own professional field. I submitted by book proposals to a publisher that solely publishes books for other mental health professionals. It's a small company, but it is easier to get a book deal with a publisher that works in your field.
My publisher did do a lot of work to market my book. They put it in amazon for me. They took out a page ad in Psychology Today. They gave me specific ideas for how I could market the book within my own region. They helped me copy edit and the end result is a fabulous, professional looking book. You can see it here, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." While they do take more money off the top, they work for it.
Ultimately, you have to decide what route is best for you. I have enjoyed my experience enough to professionally publish two books now, but ultimately the decision is yours.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy and author of the books, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians," and "Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist's Manual," (Coming 2018). To join her workshop on how to write a book, visit the following link "How to Write Your Book! A Writing Workshop for Non-Fiction/Self-Help Books."
People who self publish usually do so because they would like to have more control of their work. You submit your manuscript to a vanity publisher for a nominal fee and they create books for you. The nice thing is that you can always order more and you make more money off of each book. (This is because usually they will only charge a small fee for each published book. The rest is yours).
The challenge to going this route is that you have to do all the marketing work yourself. You often buy a few copies of your book and peddle them at book signings or at your speaking engagements. The success or failure of your book solely relies on you. You are responsible for getting it on Amazon or getting it featured in magazines or radio shows. For people who don't know all the avenues where they can market a book, they will spend a great deal of time learning the ropes and maybe only getting so far.
Professionally publishing a book has some perks. As an author who has sold their book to a publisher, you look more professional. You gain a bit of notoriety even if your book does not make it to the best seller list. To be honest, I think new authors should have a realistic view on their book. You are not likely going to make it to the best seller list. However, you can sell a few books with the help of the publisher and have that professional clout that self-publishing does not offer.
One of the challenges with professionally publishing is that you have to find someone who will buy your book. If they do buy it, they will take a majority of the money while you make closer to 10% or less of each book. If you are a professional, a good place to shop for a publisher is within your own professional field. I submitted by book proposals to a publisher that solely publishes books for other mental health professionals. It's a small company, but it is easier to get a book deal with a publisher that works in your field.
My publisher did do a lot of work to market my book. They put it in amazon for me. They took out a page ad in Psychology Today. They gave me specific ideas for how I could market the book within my own region. They helped me copy edit and the end result is a fabulous, professional looking book. You can see it here, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." While they do take more money off the top, they work for it.
Ultimately, you have to decide what route is best for you. I have enjoyed my experience enough to professionally publish two books now, but ultimately the decision is yours.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy and author of the books, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians," and "Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist's Manual," (Coming 2018). To join her workshop on how to write a book, visit the following link "How to Write Your Book! A Writing Workshop for Non-Fiction/Self-Help Books."
Friday, January 6, 2017
Has anyone ever told you that you are putting too much pressure on them to have sex? Has anyone ever made you feel very pressured to have sex? This is a common problem couples complain about in their sex life. In this video, I teach couples how to enjoy sex and create a "no pressure" system. Learn more here at this video.
https://youtu.be/WA2q_kvblYU
https://youtu.be/WA2q_kvblYU
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Your Ultimate Guide to Sex Toys
Have you ever struggles with how to purchase a sex toy? Many people go into a sex store feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the variety. In this video, I cover different types of sex toys you can purchase to learn more about what would fit your needs. Please subscribe, share and comment if you find this helpful!
Friday, November 11, 2016
Communication Styles In Relationships
For anyone who has ever struggled to have a successful conversation with their partner, you are not alone. In this video, I cover a few specific challenges that couples have when they try to talk through a conflict. It may be the way you each process information that affects your ability to hear and understand each other. Subscribe to my youtube channel for weekly relationship tips.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Can couples survive infidelity?
The big news of this week is about Mohammad Ali’s death on June 3, 2016. It was a well known fact about Ali that he cheated multiple times on his wives. He was very famous, had many women interested in him, and often engaged in one night stands with these women.
However, infidelity is not solely a challenge for very successful men and women. While it is understood in our culture that people in positions of high power, high wealth, or high popularity will likely cheat, the infidelity rates for the common person are also staggering. 57% of men and 54% of women admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they have had. Researchers know that people are not always honest about their actions so the numbers may be higher.
Why do so many people cheat? Is it possible to be fully monogamous in a relationship or are we kidding ourselves? What is it that couples are doing to prevent cheating in their relationships? As a Couples Therapist, I find myself in the trenches daily helping couples work through the aftermath of an affair. It is long, excruciating, and painful work for the couple to do and yet half of my practice is focused on guiding couples through this crisis.
Right after a person finds out about their partner’s infidelity, they experience a wide range of emotions-pain, anger, fear of losing their partner, confusion, jealousy, shock and even numbness. They feel lost, deceived, and alone.
The unfaithful partner experiences a similar range of emotions. They sometimes feel confused, anxious they could lose their partner, ashamed and guilty for the choices they made, angry, bitter, and disillusioned. I tell all my clients to expect to feel like they are riding a roller coaster of emotion over the next several months with extreme highs and extreme lows.
The difficulty is that many people feel as though they need to take action when they feel these extreme emotions. In response to anxiety about losing their partner, they may find themselves spending every minute they can together. In response to feeling confused, they may find themselves questioning the actions taken during the affair relentlessly. In response to anger, they may find themselves seeking revenge. Who hasn’t heard a story of someone who violently assaulted the lover of a partner at some point?
Why are couples choosing to work at it? Somewhere deep down, I think many people understand that an affair is not a full relationship. You only get the good parts-great sex, positive time together, and no responsibilities. In an affair, you don’t see how the other person handles chores or child rearing. You don’t really have to engage much in the day to day grind or as I refer to it in my book Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians, “The Business of Relationships.”
When the infidelity is found out, many unfaithful partners reevaluate the choice they made and often decide to stay and work on their marriage. According to Peggy Vaughan, a San Diego researcher, 67% of people whose spouses committed an affair were still married and living together. This is a stark contrast to the old belief that if someone has an affair, it means the end of the relationship.
If your relationship has recently suffered from an affair, you are not alone, but the road to recovery is a long and difficult one. Many of the couples I help work for years to rebuild the trust lost from the infidelity. That’s only one part of the rebuilding process. Couples also have to rebuild their sex lives, improve the quality of their relationship, and sort through the various mixed emotions without making the situation worse for each other.
If you are trying to figure out whether to work through an affair with you partner, a good first step is to seek help from a counselor in your area. It is not an easy task, but many couples who work through infidelity can find a way to improve their relationship.
Angela Skurtu is the author of the book, Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians. She is a speaker, author, couples and sex therapist. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit angelaskurtu@gmail.com.
Angela Skurtu is the author of the book, Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians. She is a speaker, author, couples and sex therapist. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit angelaskurtu@gmail.com.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Power Dynamics in Sexual Relationships
One part of our sex life is power roles. If you take a closer look at your relationship to sex, you will likely recognize that you tend to play a certain role in the power structure of sex. At the very basic level there is the dominant role and the submissive role. To be clear, I am not referring to Kink lifestyles here. In basic vanilla relationships, you can see a basic power dynamic of some partners who tend to be more submissive and some who tend to be more dominant. You can also find people who are comfortable in both roles.
People who prefer the dominant role tend to call more of the shots during the sexual interactions. These people tend to initiate sex more and generally lead the show while sex occurs. This person will suggest different positions, guide their partner through the kissing and touching, and be more assertive about what steps they will take to move through the sexual act. A person who is dominant in the bedroom does not necessarily have to be dominant life.
People who take more of a submissive role will usually not initiate sex as much as a dominant partner would. They will respond to their partner’s advances for sex, but they generally don’t prefer to take the lead. They take a “go with the flow” approach to sex. They are generally open to their partner’s suggestions and like to be guided along. Just as in the case with the dominants, a person who is submissive in the bedroom does not necessarily have to be submissive in life.
Also, in each case, a person can move out of either a submissive or dominant role at times. For example, a submissive may initiate sex with their partner and even suggest a few ideas here and there. The same is true for a dominant. They may go along for the ride with their partner at times. To be titled the submissive or the dominant simply means that as a sexual person, you tend to prefer one or the other more. There are also plenty of people who might identify as right in the middle-equally enjoying both the dominant and submissive roles.
Typically, if you have one dominant and one submissive, things tend to run smoothly as long as each partner is happy with the frequency and quality of their sex life. The same is true for 2 submissives or 2 dominants—so long as they can be flexible and practice regularly stepping out of their typical role.
How do these roles negatively affect a person’s sex life? Consider two submissives in a relationship. If both people prefer the other person to initiate more and take the lead, a variety of things can happen. In one common example, couples stop having sex altogether. They both keep waiting for the other person to try, nothing happens, and they feel rejected.
In another example, one submissive may take on more of the dominant role, but feel very bitter about it. They feel bitter because it’s not easy for them to take on the dominant role and they feel like they are the only one putting effort into the sexual relationship. The other submissive will usually go along with the sex they have, but will not understand why their partner gets so angry about initiating all the time.
In yet another example, sometimes a person has mainly been in relationships with dominants and their current partner is a submissive. I have talked to many couples in this situation. Often they describe their partner as weird or “not normal.” The reality is that both roles are very normal and both roles are not gender specific. While males may typically play the dominant role, there are plenty of men who prefer the submissive role. While females may typically play the submissive role, plenty of women enjoy taking a more dominant role as well.
There can sometimes be problems with two dominants in a relationship, but this depends on each of their flexibility as people. For example, if they are both willing to flexibly move in and out of dominant and submissive roles, they’ll find ways to take turns and probably still get along. However, if they are stubborn, then it may feel uncomfortable to not be in control. They may struggle to let the other person take the lead.
In any case, knowing your typical sexual power role can be helpful in determining whether you are sexually compatible with your partner. In cases where couples can’t seem to put their finger on the problem, when I discuss power dynamics, there is often mismatched power roles at play. Which power role do you feel most comfortable in?
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is author of the book "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." She is also a speaker, couples therapist and sex therapist. To make an appointment, visit www.Therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is author of the book "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." She is also a speaker, couples therapist and sex therapist. To make an appointment, visit www.Therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Why Sex is a Difficult Topic for People
Many American adults do NOT know how to talk about sex in a productive way. I think this happens for a variety of reasons. One, Americans are often educated using abstinence only education or consequence only education.
Abstinence only education encourages individuals to wait to have sex until marriage. It often does not cover the use of condoms or birth control. Abstinence Plus education may still encourage people to wait for marriage, but it at least covers the use of condoms and birth control. It gives very little information about what to do if you are interested in having sex such as how to consent to sex, how to negotiate for your needs, or how to enjoy sex.
I consider both forms of education to be “consequence only” education because it only covers the negative consequences people will experience should they have sex before marriage. While comprehensive sex education does exist, this is not the most commonly used education across the country.
Another reason Americans struggle to talk about sex is that their primary educators tend to be friends or porn. While some people did have parents who tried to educate them about sex, the vast majority of my clients had to learn by picking up pieces here and there. So friends and porn helped them learn how to have sex, but it still didn’t teach them how to have a healthy conversation.
Just think about one common theme in porn-the girl who doesn’t want to have sex initially but then gives in. If you learned about sex by watching this type of porn, you may have the assumption that if you pressure a girl enough, she will want to have sex with you. If you look at my clients who have sex starved marriages, the one statement every female in the relationship says is that she feels “pressured” to have sex by her partner.
America does not even rank in the top 12 countries for sexual satisfaction rates. We also have high rates of STDs and high rates of teenage pregnancy compared to other first world countries.
If we want to learn how to talk about sex, we need to start talking about sex comfortably at younger ages. We, as a country, need to offer more comprehensive sex education to children so they learn how to talk about sex in more effective ways. Even if your school system doesn’t offer this education, you need to talk more directly with your kids about sex so they learn how to understand and respect it.
If you are an adult who has yet to learn what you need to know about sex, you are not alone. Many of the adults I see in sex therapy struggle to feel confident about who they are as a sexual person. When I run my adult sex education seminars, one of the most common questions I hear tends to be, “Am I normal?” Individuals will state some unique desire or sexual interest they have, and then ask if that is normal.
Often, the answer is yes. For example: 1) if you like to masturbate, you are normal; 2) if you fantasize while having sex, you are normal; 3) if you like having sex in various positions, you are normal; 4) if you want to try using a sex toy, you are normal; 5) if you have ever thought getting a spanking might be sexy, you are normal. I can’t answer every question here, but the answer is often NORMAL!
If you care about this topic or just want to get more comfortable talking about sex, here are a few books that can help you as an adult learn and grow. “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Robie Harris; “The Guide to Getting it On,” by Paul Joannides; “Sexual Intelligence,” by Marti Klein. If these books start you on a long journey to educate yourself, visit the AASECT website for other suggested books and materials. You deserve to be a confident and healthy sexual individual regardless of how you were raised!
Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." To contact her, call 314-973-7997 or email her at angelaskurtu@gmail.com.
Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." To contact her, call 314-973-7997 or email her at angelaskurtu@gmail.com.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
How to talk about sex
A big part of my job as a sex therapist is to teach couples
how to talk about sex. The couples I typically see either fight with each other
about sex, criticize each other about sex, or avoid talking about sex. Each of
these methods has a similar outcome-the couples are unhappy with their sex life.
Couples need to learn how to negotiate to get their needs and desires met with
one another in a positive and respectful way.
To better understand how to talk about sex, couples can learn about the 5 negotiation styles-competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. The competing style involves winning at all costs. A person who takes a “my way or the highway” approach is using this style. The problem with using this style in sex is that only one person may end up happy at the expense of the other. Over time, this will lead to either lower sexual desire or resentment in the person who constantly feels like they are losing.
The avoiding style of negotiation can also be difficult, because no one brings up the problem. Couples in this situation either stay unhappy with their sex life for long periods of time or find ways to resolve the problem on their own for good or bad. An affair is one example of how a person may try to resolve the issue on their own, but this “resolution” obviously comes with some very challenging consequences.
The other three negotiation styles accommodating, compromising, and collaborative can be more helpful styles to use when negotiating for a more positive sex life depending on the situation.
For example, an accommodating style of negotiation is when one partner will give a win to the other person. In the movie Star Wars, R2D2 is playing a game with Chewbacca. Chewbacca gets angry when R2D2 makes a winning move. After further discussion with Han Solo, C3PO advises R2D2 to, “Let the wookie win.”
Sometimes in sex, it can also be helpful to “let the wookie win” especially if you don’t care much about the outcome. For example, one partner may say, “It would be nice if we could make out for a bit before getting into sex.” If making out sounds like a fun start or it doesn’t bother you, go along with it. “Sounds good! Whatever makes you happy!” In another example, one person may prefer to be on top during sex. If you really don’t care whether you are on top or bottom (or in some other unique position), then go with it.
The compromising style of negotiation can also be a very effective way to address sexual needs especially if you are not on the same page with your partner. The compromising style involves a half-win and a half-lose. Each person gets a little and gives a little. One example of how this works is if one partner is interested in sex while the other partner is not. “I am not feeling it tonight, babe, but what do you say we start tomorrow with a romp in the sheets. I’ll be well rested and ready to go!” In this situation, both have to give a little to make things work. In another example, one partner wants to have sex every day while the other partner wants to have sex once weekly. The compromise may involve 2 sex days and one wild card day or 3 sex days with the higher desire partner masturbating more on off days. Either way, the couple will need to come up with a middle ground that they each can live with.
In an ideal world, couples would always use the collaborative negotiation style and have many, many happy endings. The reality is that nobody has a perfect sex life. Rather than putting a lot of pressure on your relationship, it is better to learn when and how to use the different negotiation tactics so that you can still be mostly happy. Hopefully, you can learn to negotiate your needs and desires in a fun, respectful way.
To better understand how to talk about sex, couples can learn about the 5 negotiation styles-competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. The competing style involves winning at all costs. A person who takes a “my way or the highway” approach is using this style. The problem with using this style in sex is that only one person may end up happy at the expense of the other. Over time, this will lead to either lower sexual desire or resentment in the person who constantly feels like they are losing.
The avoiding style of negotiation can also be difficult, because no one brings up the problem. Couples in this situation either stay unhappy with their sex life for long periods of time or find ways to resolve the problem on their own for good or bad. An affair is one example of how a person may try to resolve the issue on their own, but this “resolution” obviously comes with some very challenging consequences.
The other three negotiation styles accommodating, compromising, and collaborative can be more helpful styles to use when negotiating for a more positive sex life depending on the situation.
For example, an accommodating style of negotiation is when one partner will give a win to the other person. In the movie Star Wars, R2D2 is playing a game with Chewbacca. Chewbacca gets angry when R2D2 makes a winning move. After further discussion with Han Solo, C3PO advises R2D2 to, “Let the wookie win.”
Sometimes in sex, it can also be helpful to “let the wookie win” especially if you don’t care much about the outcome. For example, one partner may say, “It would be nice if we could make out for a bit before getting into sex.” If making out sounds like a fun start or it doesn’t bother you, go along with it. “Sounds good! Whatever makes you happy!” In another example, one person may prefer to be on top during sex. If you really don’t care whether you are on top or bottom (or in some other unique position), then go with it.
The compromising style of negotiation can also be a very effective way to address sexual needs especially if you are not on the same page with your partner. The compromising style involves a half-win and a half-lose. Each person gets a little and gives a little. One example of how this works is if one partner is interested in sex while the other partner is not. “I am not feeling it tonight, babe, but what do you say we start tomorrow with a romp in the sheets. I’ll be well rested and ready to go!” In this situation, both have to give a little to make things work. In another example, one partner wants to have sex every day while the other partner wants to have sex once weekly. The compromise may involve 2 sex days and one wild card day or 3 sex days with the higher desire partner masturbating more on off days. Either way, the couple will need to come up with a middle ground that they each can live with.
The final
negotiation style that is my personal favorite is the collaborative approach.
In the collaborative
approach, the couple is working on finding win/win solutions. “How can we
both be happy at the end of this sexual encounter?” For example, one partner
may be interested in sex while the other is not. If you are taking a
collaborative approach you may say, “I am not ready for sex now, but I could be
with a little work. How about we . . .”
insert what thing might help you to get in the mood. Both partners win because
they both get a happy ending.
In an ideal world, couples would always use the collaborative negotiation style and have many, many happy endings. The reality is that nobody has a perfect sex life. Rather than putting a lot of pressure on your relationship, it is better to learn when and how to use the different negotiation tactics so that you can still be mostly happy. Hopefully, you can learn to negotiate your needs and desires in a fun, respectful way.
Friday, March 4, 2016
How often should a couple have sex monthly?
The answer to this question can be somewhat complex. It depends on each individual's desire level, the couple's agreed upon frequency, and if both partners feel sexually fulfilled with the frequency they have agreed upon.
Each individual's desire is very different depending on a variety of factors: hormonal levels, health and energy, age, illness and disability. In addition to these individual factors, relational factors can affect frequency as well. Relational factors can include how often each partner initiates, levels of romantic connection, flirtations, relationship satisfaction, and a couple's ability to negotiate for their needs and desires in a positive way.
There can be outside factors that affect frequency as well. Some of these factors include general level of stress, work loads, having young children in the home, having parents or roommates living in the home, and any other outside factors that sometimes get in the way of a frequent sex life.
With all of these factors in mind, here is the answer. Some couples are having sex once a day. Some couples are having sex 3 to 4 times a week. Some couples are having sex 1 to 2 times a week. Some couples have sex 1 or 2 times every 2 weeks. Some couples have sex once a month. Some couples have sex 6 times a year or less.
With these various numbers in mind, what you personally need to do is identify how often you prefer to have sex so you at least have an idea of what would make you happy. After identifying your baseline, then talk to your partner about what their frequency would be.
If you both are at a similar frequency, then the next step is to come up with some ideas for how to initiate sex more frequently with each other. For example, one person can dress really sexy and dance for their partner. In another example, couples can say something suggestive like, "You want to head upstairs? You might get lucky!"
If you both are at a different frequency, then it is a good idea to discuss what compromise might make you both happy. For example, If one person likes sex once weekly while the other person likes it every day, maybe you can compromise with 3 times weekly, or 2 times weekly with one wild card activity such as making out, oral sex, etc.
If you are compromising down for your partner, then in between in those times, find ways to please yourself through masturbation. Not all sex is meant to be between a couple. There will be different times in your life where you are not on the same page about frequency of sex. This does not mean you cannot enjoy sex at a frequency you desire as long as you are willing to fulfill your own needs in addition.
Ultimately, the frequency of sex doesn't matter as long as both partners are both happy and committed to fulfilling each other's sexual needs and desires within reason.
Angela Skurtu is the author of Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians. She is also the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that focuses on adults, couples and sex therapy. For more information call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Each individual's desire is very different depending on a variety of factors: hormonal levels, health and energy, age, illness and disability. In addition to these individual factors, relational factors can affect frequency as well. Relational factors can include how often each partner initiates, levels of romantic connection, flirtations, relationship satisfaction, and a couple's ability to negotiate for their needs and desires in a positive way.
There can be outside factors that affect frequency as well. Some of these factors include general level of stress, work loads, having young children in the home, having parents or roommates living in the home, and any other outside factors that sometimes get in the way of a frequent sex life.
With all of these factors in mind, here is the answer. Some couples are having sex once a day. Some couples are having sex 3 to 4 times a week. Some couples are having sex 1 to 2 times a week. Some couples have sex 1 or 2 times every 2 weeks. Some couples have sex once a month. Some couples have sex 6 times a year or less.
With these various numbers in mind, what you personally need to do is identify how often you prefer to have sex so you at least have an idea of what would make you happy. After identifying your baseline, then talk to your partner about what their frequency would be.
If you both are at a similar frequency, then the next step is to come up with some ideas for how to initiate sex more frequently with each other. For example, one person can dress really sexy and dance for their partner. In another example, couples can say something suggestive like, "You want to head upstairs? You might get lucky!"
If you both are at a different frequency, then it is a good idea to discuss what compromise might make you both happy. For example, If one person likes sex once weekly while the other person likes it every day, maybe you can compromise with 3 times weekly, or 2 times weekly with one wild card activity such as making out, oral sex, etc.
If you are compromising down for your partner, then in between in those times, find ways to please yourself through masturbation. Not all sex is meant to be between a couple. There will be different times in your life where you are not on the same page about frequency of sex. This does not mean you cannot enjoy sex at a frequency you desire as long as you are willing to fulfill your own needs in addition.
Ultimately, the frequency of sex doesn't matter as long as both partners are both happy and committed to fulfilling each other's sexual needs and desires within reason.
Angela Skurtu is the author of Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians. She is also the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that focuses on adults, couples and sex therapy. For more information call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Monday, December 28, 2015
Why do some people have low desire?
Desire is a very tricky problem for people. There are some women and men who have always had a low desire throughout their lives. When asked about how their desire looked as teenagers, they will explain that they never felt the crazy surge of hormones like their peers felt. Sometimes, they would feel weird because everyone around them talked about sex while they had other more important things on their minds.
People in this category are often considered asexual. They rarely have feelings of attraction, and have little to no interest in sexual activities (even during times when everyone is supposed to be hypersexual, such as in adolescence).
Not everyone with low desire is considered asexual. There is a second category of people that did experience desire like everyone else. They went through the crazy teenage hormones and may even have had a good start sexually with their romantic partner. Somehow, along the way, they lost their desire for sex.
A first step for understanding this type of desire is to find out if the person has lost their desire for sex entirely or if it is specific to their current partner. Sometimes a person will still think about sex here and there, but either due to relationship trouble or boredom, they have lost interest sexually in their current partner.
Other times, a person finds themselves completely lacking any desire for sex with any partner. They rarely think about sex day to day. When they are trying to be sexual, they just aren't getting into the mood, and don't initiate sex very often.
There are many reasons why a person can lose interest in sex. They may be so busy with kids, work, and life's responsibilities that it literally is the last thing on their minds. They may be in a relationship for a long time and just feel like the routine doesn't spark their interest anymore. They may even have hormonal changes as they get older that affect their ability to experience desire.
Whatever the reason, it is important for couples to seek help and to actively address the problem as a team if they are unhappy about their desire levels. In our Sex, Wine, and Chocolate seminar, our speakers discuss some of the different ways couples can address desire as a team. The most important thing couples need to know is that they don't just have to accept low desire as a lifetime problem.
There are ways that couples learn to improve their desire and create compromises that help each of them to be more happy with their sex life.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She also wrote the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians," and runs a seminar that teaches couples how to bring the spark back into the relationship called, "Sex, Wine, and Chocolate." To make an appointment visit www.therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.
People in this category are often considered asexual. They rarely have feelings of attraction, and have little to no interest in sexual activities (even during times when everyone is supposed to be hypersexual, such as in adolescence).
Not everyone with low desire is considered asexual. There is a second category of people that did experience desire like everyone else. They went through the crazy teenage hormones and may even have had a good start sexually with their romantic partner. Somehow, along the way, they lost their desire for sex.
A first step for understanding this type of desire is to find out if the person has lost their desire for sex entirely or if it is specific to their current partner. Sometimes a person will still think about sex here and there, but either due to relationship trouble or boredom, they have lost interest sexually in their current partner.
Other times, a person finds themselves completely lacking any desire for sex with any partner. They rarely think about sex day to day. When they are trying to be sexual, they just aren't getting into the mood, and don't initiate sex very often.
There are many reasons why a person can lose interest in sex. They may be so busy with kids, work, and life's responsibilities that it literally is the last thing on their minds. They may be in a relationship for a long time and just feel like the routine doesn't spark their interest anymore. They may even have hormonal changes as they get older that affect their ability to experience desire.
Whatever the reason, it is important for couples to seek help and to actively address the problem as a team if they are unhappy about their desire levels. In our Sex, Wine, and Chocolate seminar, our speakers discuss some of the different ways couples can address desire as a team. The most important thing couples need to know is that they don't just have to accept low desire as a lifetime problem.
There are ways that couples learn to improve their desire and create compromises that help each of them to be more happy with their sex life.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She also wrote the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians," and runs a seminar that teaches couples how to bring the spark back into the relationship called, "Sex, Wine, and Chocolate." To make an appointment visit www.therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Why does therapy sometimes NOT work?
If you ask anyone you know about therapy, you will receive a wide variety of responses, pros and cons, and either successes or horror stories. Why do people have such varying outcomes when it comes to therapy? Below is a the top 5 list for why therapy is unsuccessful.
1) One or both parties are not committed to making a change in the relationship.
I'm a therapist, not a miracle worker. Sometimes, a couple comes in and one or more persons involved really is done with the relationship. They are tired of trying. They don't really like their partner anymore. They are already making plans to divorce. The sad thing is that many couples see therapy as a last resort when their marriage is ready to fall apart. What they need to do is come about 2 or 3 years earlier when they are still trying and still care about one another.
2) Clients expect all the work to be done in the therapy session.
Most therapy sessions last anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours per session once weekly or every other week. Clients live most of their lives outside of the therapy session. So while it is helpful to have a therapist guide you through some tough topics, therapy is very limited in what can be accomplished. The people who are getting the most help are using therapy as a catalyst to start longer conversations in their every day lives. They are putting effort into date nights, and spending time alone talking and really trying to understand each other. All of this effort takes place in their day to day lives.
3) Clients are expecting a quick fix.
The hard reality of therapy is that sometimes things get worse before they get better. Usually the first few weeks of therapy can be very intense. Why? People are great at compartmentalizing their problems. It is highly likely that they have avoided bringing up certain conversations because they either start a fight or they go nowhere. In therapy, my job is to bring up tough issues. Essentially, I am stirring the pot. In the beginning, clients will see more arguments and they will sometimes withdraw. They will ask themselves: Why am I in therapy if things are getting worse? If you can just hang in there, after some initial pot stirring, things start to improve. Clients learn skills for how to listen and to be more respectful. Over time, they get better at communicating about tough topics. Finally, therapy is over and has been a success.
4) Clients are with the wrong therapist.
Therapists come with many different backgrounds and trainings. Some therapists are great with kids but hate working with couples. Some therapists love new age, holistic treatments, while others prefer reality checks that get you thinking. There's a therapist for every couple. Ask questions and interview potential therapists. If it feels like you get a good connection with the therapist over the phone, try a session out to see if both of you connect with the therapist. You just need to find the one that is right for you!
5) Clients don't make therapy a priority.
When a couple is in crisis, they need to make their relationship the primary goal. Too often, a couple will schedule one session a month and expect this will somehow magically alter their relationship. The reality is that many couples take this approach with their marriage. They put every other priority before it and expect it to stay healthy. A relationship needs constant work to maintain its strength. If you are expecting to keep your relationship on the back burner, at some point, it will burn out.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Her practice offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling." This book is written for both clients and clinicians. It covers the 5 habits of successful relationships. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
1) One or both parties are not committed to making a change in the relationship.
I'm a therapist, not a miracle worker. Sometimes, a couple comes in and one or more persons involved really is done with the relationship. They are tired of trying. They don't really like their partner anymore. They are already making plans to divorce. The sad thing is that many couples see therapy as a last resort when their marriage is ready to fall apart. What they need to do is come about 2 or 3 years earlier when they are still trying and still care about one another.
2) Clients expect all the work to be done in the therapy session.
Most therapy sessions last anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours per session once weekly or every other week. Clients live most of their lives outside of the therapy session. So while it is helpful to have a therapist guide you through some tough topics, therapy is very limited in what can be accomplished. The people who are getting the most help are using therapy as a catalyst to start longer conversations in their every day lives. They are putting effort into date nights, and spending time alone talking and really trying to understand each other. All of this effort takes place in their day to day lives.
3) Clients are expecting a quick fix.
The hard reality of therapy is that sometimes things get worse before they get better. Usually the first few weeks of therapy can be very intense. Why? People are great at compartmentalizing their problems. It is highly likely that they have avoided bringing up certain conversations because they either start a fight or they go nowhere. In therapy, my job is to bring up tough issues. Essentially, I am stirring the pot. In the beginning, clients will see more arguments and they will sometimes withdraw. They will ask themselves: Why am I in therapy if things are getting worse? If you can just hang in there, after some initial pot stirring, things start to improve. Clients learn skills for how to listen and to be more respectful. Over time, they get better at communicating about tough topics. Finally, therapy is over and has been a success.
4) Clients are with the wrong therapist.
Therapists come with many different backgrounds and trainings. Some therapists are great with kids but hate working with couples. Some therapists love new age, holistic treatments, while others prefer reality checks that get you thinking. There's a therapist for every couple. Ask questions and interview potential therapists. If it feels like you get a good connection with the therapist over the phone, try a session out to see if both of you connect with the therapist. You just need to find the one that is right for you!
5) Clients don't make therapy a priority.
When a couple is in crisis, they need to make their relationship the primary goal. Too often, a couple will schedule one session a month and expect this will somehow magically alter their relationship. The reality is that many couples take this approach with their marriage. They put every other priority before it and expect it to stay healthy. A relationship needs constant work to maintain its strength. If you are expecting to keep your relationship on the back burner, at some point, it will burn out.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Her practice offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling." This book is written for both clients and clinicians. It covers the 5 habits of successful relationships. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
How can I add Kink to my Marriage?
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Thursday, December 18, 2014
Keeping a Healthy Sex Life While Trying to Have a Baby
There are
many reasons couples have sex-to feel connected, to have orgasms, to feel
confident or sexy. However, one of the most common reasons for couples to have
sex is when they are trying to conceive.
While couples are trying to conceive, sex can have some difficulties depending on various steps they have to take. For some couples, trying is very easy and they quickly become pregnant. For other couples, trying to conceive becomes a difficult task that has the potential to harm a couples’ sex life.
Another reason for performance problems is that for a long period the couple might have been in the mindset of avoiding pregnancy. While logically the couple has made the switch to conceive, that does not mean that a man’s body has gotten used to the idea. I have had some clients who stated it took them a while to get used to having sex without condoms or without attempting to pull out.
Another challenge that couples can face is sex feeling routine or even boring. This can happen because couples start performing sex in the same way again and again over a long period of time. The longer a couple takes to conceive, the larger the toll it takes on the relationship.
Not only is there high pressure to perform, but couples forget to incorporate doing fun things such as foreplay or variety. Sex becomes completely about getting to orgasm so they can potentially conceive. At times, couples aren’t even in the mood when they are having sex. Over time, if this pattern repeats often, a couple’s sex life can suffer.
While couples are trying to conceive, sex can have some difficulties depending on various steps they have to take. For some couples, trying is very easy and they quickly become pregnant. For other couples, trying to conceive becomes a difficult task that has the potential to harm a couples’ sex life.
How does conception challenge a sex life? For some couples, the male begins to
experience some performance problems.
This can occur for many reasons. First, sex has previously been for fun alone.
During conception, suddenly there is more pressure to perform and deliver.
Anytime sex is pressured, it will have an effect on the performance. This pressure
can cause erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation.
Another reason for performance problems is that for a long period the couple might have been in the mindset of avoiding pregnancy. While logically the couple has made the switch to conceive, that does not mean that a man’s body has gotten used to the idea. I have had some clients who stated it took them a while to get used to having sex without condoms or without attempting to pull out.
Another challenge that couples can face is sex feeling routine or even boring. This can happen because couples start performing sex in the same way again and again over a long period of time. The longer a couple takes to conceive, the larger the toll it takes on the relationship.
Not only is there high pressure to perform, but couples forget to incorporate doing fun things such as foreplay or variety. Sex becomes completely about getting to orgasm so they can potentially conceive. At times, couples aren’t even in the mood when they are having sex. Over time, if this pattern repeats often, a couple’s sex life can suffer.
How can couples keep
a good sex life while trying to conceive?
1) Take
breaks. For many couples, it takes a while to conceive. For example, try to
conceive for three months, then take one month off and just have sex for
pleasure. Repeat this pattern several times if necessary.
2) Take
time for other kinds of affection daily such as kissing, hugging, cuddling,
massages, flirting, etc.
3) Experiment.
Since you know you will be having sex for several days in a row, find ways to
vary up each experience. Include toys in one session. Do a little role playing
in the next session. Do some oral sex in the third session. Try your best to
keep the fun in your sex life.
4) Have
sex when you aren’t ovulating. A good sex life is about both quantity and
quality. Keep things going even when there is no potential to conceive.
5) Get
help. If you start to feel as though your relationship is feeling disconnected,
seek support from a Marriage Therapist or Sex Therapist.
While having a child is a great goal, keeping a healthy marriage is an
important part of the process. I have seen too many couples succeed at having a
child only to watch as their marriages crumble. Your future kids learn about
relationships by watching how you two work to keep that marriage strong.
Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. She also speaks at several businesses and conferences throughout the year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Sex, Wine and Chocolate Event
The sexual health experts present a night you will not forget! Join three sexual health experts-Cathy Naughton, Urologist and owner of the Center for Sexual Health, Brooke Kalisiak, Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist and owner of Legacy Physical Therapy, and Angela Skurtu, nationally Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.
Each of the speakers discusses important information related to their field of sexual health. Cathy Naughton will present information about medical treatments available to women with sexual problems including pain during sex, low desire, and sexual function.
Brooke Kalisiak will present information about female pelvic floor physical therapy. This specialty specifically helps women who experience pain during sex. She provides muscle training, stretching exercises, and offers advice for how women can improve their sexual health.
Angela Skurtu will present about how to keep the spark in your relationship long term. Various couples and individuals come to see Angela for sexual desire issues, orgasmic issues, sexless marriages, and erection problems. Angela will give couples specific tips for how to improve their sex life.
The event ends with an anonymous question and answer section. Participants are free to ask any questions about sex they are curious about. No topic is off limits!
Ultimately, we want to help men and women experience their most successful sex life possible. Join us on Thursday, September 18, 2014 from 6-7:30pm. The event will take place at the St. Louis Women's Surgery Center, 884 Woods Mill Rd. Suite 100, Ballwin, MO 63011. This event costs $15 per person. To purchase tickets visit the Event Site directly or go to www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy. Her private practice focuses in couples and sex therapy. She is also a speaker and an author. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Each of the speakers discusses important information related to their field of sexual health. Cathy Naughton will present information about medical treatments available to women with sexual problems including pain during sex, low desire, and sexual function.
Brooke Kalisiak will present information about female pelvic floor physical therapy. This specialty specifically helps women who experience pain during sex. She provides muscle training, stretching exercises, and offers advice for how women can improve their sexual health.
Angela Skurtu will present about how to keep the spark in your relationship long term. Various couples and individuals come to see Angela for sexual desire issues, orgasmic issues, sexless marriages, and erection problems. Angela will give couples specific tips for how to improve their sex life.
The event ends with an anonymous question and answer section. Participants are free to ask any questions about sex they are curious about. No topic is off limits!
Ultimately, we want to help men and women experience their most successful sex life possible. Join us on Thursday, September 18, 2014 from 6-7:30pm. The event will take place at the St. Louis Women's Surgery Center, 884 Woods Mill Rd. Suite 100, Ballwin, MO 63011. This event costs $15 per person. To purchase tickets visit the Event Site directly or go to www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy. Her private practice focuses in couples and sex therapy. She is also a speaker and an author. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, May 23, 2014
What is Healthy Sex-Part 4 (Final)
This will be the conclusion of our discussion about what makes a healthy sex life. Over the last few weeks, we have discussed a model for healthy sexuality created by Barry Metz and Michael McCarthy that explores 12 basic principles for a healthy sexual relationship. Today, we discuss the last three principles or the Good Enough Sex Model.
Principle 10: Gender differences are respectfully valued and mutually accepted (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Whether we like it or not, there are some clear gender differences couples may experience when navigating their sex life. Men tend to have a higher desire than women. Women tend to want more foreplay or even nonsexual touch. To some degree, everyone has different expectations for how much sex should happen daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and what that sex should look like.
While these gender differences do exist, it is also very important to understand and accept who your own partner uniquely is and how they are designed. For example, the expectation that men should have a higher sex drive leaves men with lower sex drives feeling as though they are broken in some way. The women in relationships with lower desire men tend to question their own beauty or ability to attract their mate. This cycle causes huge problems when it might have been best to just learn to understand each others differences from the beginning.
Another problem is when an individual is expecting their partner to react to things sexually in the same way that "most" women or men have reacted to the same thing. For example, a man may give oral sex to his current partner, she doesn't like it, and he says, "All my other girlfriends liked it. What's wrong with you?" While there are some similarities in gender, each person has their own unique sexual interests. It is important to respect and accept those differences whether or not they fit into the stereotypical gender norm.
Principle 11: Sex is integrated into real life and real life integrated into sex. Partners ensure a regular frequency of sex. Sexuality is developing, growing, and evolving throughout life (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This principle covers a lot of ground. To start, sex cannot be sectioned off in life to a point that it has no place in life. For example, I have heard of people putting very strict boundaries around sex such as, "It can only happen after 9pm, when kids are asleep or away from the house entirely, on weekends, if I am not too tired." Oh, and also, "No flirting or touching me in between those times."
This type of relationship inevitably will have problems because people need some level of affection and connection whether or not it is perfect. In real life, it is okay to quietly flirt with or kiss your partner even with the kids watching TV in front of you. It is also okay if every once in a while when you are having sex, one of you gets a little distracted because you are worried about work tomorrow.
The key to a successful blend is learning not to take things personally and to be open. Don't take it personally when someone gets a little distracted. Use it as an opportunity to either check in with your partner, "Hey, do you want to talk about it?" or use it as an opportunity to attract your partner's affections in a flirty fun way. "Does your work let you do this?" she says while going down on her partner.
In the next portion of the principle, it states that both partners ensure regular sex. Understand that each of you needs to initiate sex with your partner. It hurts to feel like you are the only one who cares about your sex life. If you haven't initiated in a while, do so tonight. I encourage my couples to each individually try to initiate with their partner once weekly.
Always try to learn and grow sexually with each other. There are so many unique and fun ways to explore sex. If one thing is getting old, try something new and shake things up.
Principle 12: Sexuality is personalized. It can be playful, spiritual, "special." Sex has meaning (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This is truly my favorite principle. Find a way to make your sex life meaningful to you. There is no right or wrong to this answer. Just find a way to be happy with your partner and make your love life a priority.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist runs a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 10: Gender differences are respectfully valued and mutually accepted (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Whether we like it or not, there are some clear gender differences couples may experience when navigating their sex life. Men tend to have a higher desire than women. Women tend to want more foreplay or even nonsexual touch. To some degree, everyone has different expectations for how much sex should happen daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and what that sex should look like.
While these gender differences do exist, it is also very important to understand and accept who your own partner uniquely is and how they are designed. For example, the expectation that men should have a higher sex drive leaves men with lower sex drives feeling as though they are broken in some way. The women in relationships with lower desire men tend to question their own beauty or ability to attract their mate. This cycle causes huge problems when it might have been best to just learn to understand each others differences from the beginning.
Another problem is when an individual is expecting their partner to react to things sexually in the same way that "most" women or men have reacted to the same thing. For example, a man may give oral sex to his current partner, she doesn't like it, and he says, "All my other girlfriends liked it. What's wrong with you?" While there are some similarities in gender, each person has their own unique sexual interests. It is important to respect and accept those differences whether or not they fit into the stereotypical gender norm.
Principle 11: Sex is integrated into real life and real life integrated into sex. Partners ensure a regular frequency of sex. Sexuality is developing, growing, and evolving throughout life (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This principle covers a lot of ground. To start, sex cannot be sectioned off in life to a point that it has no place in life. For example, I have heard of people putting very strict boundaries around sex such as, "It can only happen after 9pm, when kids are asleep or away from the house entirely, on weekends, if I am not too tired." Oh, and also, "No flirting or touching me in between those times."
This type of relationship inevitably will have problems because people need some level of affection and connection whether or not it is perfect. In real life, it is okay to quietly flirt with or kiss your partner even with the kids watching TV in front of you. It is also okay if every once in a while when you are having sex, one of you gets a little distracted because you are worried about work tomorrow.
The key to a successful blend is learning not to take things personally and to be open. Don't take it personally when someone gets a little distracted. Use it as an opportunity to either check in with your partner, "Hey, do you want to talk about it?" or use it as an opportunity to attract your partner's affections in a flirty fun way. "Does your work let you do this?" she says while going down on her partner.
In the next portion of the principle, it states that both partners ensure regular sex. Understand that each of you needs to initiate sex with your partner. It hurts to feel like you are the only one who cares about your sex life. If you haven't initiated in a while, do so tonight. I encourage my couples to each individually try to initiate with their partner once weekly.
Always try to learn and grow sexually with each other. There are so many unique and fun ways to explore sex. If one thing is getting old, try something new and shake things up.
Principle 12: Sexuality is personalized. It can be playful, spiritual, "special." Sex has meaning (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This is truly my favorite principle. Find a way to make your sex life meaningful to you. There is no right or wrong to this answer. Just find a way to be happy with your partner and make your love life a priority.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist runs a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, May 9, 2014
What is Healthy Sex-Part 3
This week, we continue to go over the "Good Enough Sex Model" developed by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. This model gives couple's clear examples for how to create a healthy sex life.
Principle 7: Valuing variable, flexible sexual experiences (the "85 percent approach") and abandoning the "Need" for perfect performance inoculates the couple against sexual dysfunction by reducing performance pressure, fears of failure, and rejection (Metz and McCarty, 2007).
The 85 percent approach refers to what real sex lives normally look like among couples. For starters, 15 percent of a couples sexual encounters tend to be down right dysfunctional. One time someone gets whisky dick. Another time, a kid interrupts by screaming, "I peed the bed!" Another time, someone just can't get an orgasm. The sex is feeling good, they just aren't hitting their peak orgasm. If these interferences are happening 15% of the time or less, you are actually a normal couple.
As for the other 85 percent, sex can be anywhere from a 1 to a 10 on the scale of how awesome the sex turns out. Sometimes you have sex, and it felt more like a 3 or 4. It was good, but it was nothing too memorable. Other times, it hits a 5 or 6 and you say, "Hey, that was pretty nice." Sometimes, you do hit a 10, and it's the best orgasm you could have imagined. Most couples will not hit a 10 every time they have sex.
The key is to bring a good attitude and enjoy whatever sex you end up with. The attitude to bring is, "I am going to have a good time no matter what it turns out to be."
Principle 8: The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple's relationship. Sex for only one purpose for long periods of time undermines flexibility and creates risk of dysfunction and/or stress. The five purposes are pleasure, intimacy, stress reduction, self esteem, and procreation (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The pleasure purpose includes having sex to feel good and/or to get an orgasm. The intimacy purpose refers to people who just want to feel close and connected to their partner. The stress reduction purpose includes people who feel sex reduces their stress or tension. For example, some couples will have sex after an argument to reduce tension between the two of them.
The self-esteem purpose includes having sex to feel confident, beautiful, desired, or an increased sense of self worth. Of course, the procreation purpose refers to those couples who plan sex strategically to have a baby.
Couples do not need to have sex for the same reason. Tammy may be having sex because she wants to feel close to her partner. While Jesse is having sex because it makes him feel confident as a man to feel desired. As long as both partners are getting what they want, the sex will be enjoyable. It's important to get something out of sex for yourself.
Principle 9: Integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles-partner interaction, self entrancement, and role enactment (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Partner interaction includes laughing, talking together and interacting during sex. Self entrancement involves going into your head and just enjoying the sensations or touch as you experience them. There is less talking and more focus on the feelings present. Role enactment is the more experimental style. In this style, couples engage in role play, use sex toys, or try new things.
All arousal styles are important and it is good to use them to spice up your love life. You don't have to use all three every time, but is important to have a balance of each in your love life.
Tune in next week for the 3 final principles for a healthy sex life!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in Couples and Sex Therapy. Angela Skurtu is also writing and will professionally publish a book about Pre-Marital counseling in the next year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 7: Valuing variable, flexible sexual experiences (the "85 percent approach") and abandoning the "Need" for perfect performance inoculates the couple against sexual dysfunction by reducing performance pressure, fears of failure, and rejection (Metz and McCarty, 2007).
The 85 percent approach refers to what real sex lives normally look like among couples. For starters, 15 percent of a couples sexual encounters tend to be down right dysfunctional. One time someone gets whisky dick. Another time, a kid interrupts by screaming, "I peed the bed!" Another time, someone just can't get an orgasm. The sex is feeling good, they just aren't hitting their peak orgasm. If these interferences are happening 15% of the time or less, you are actually a normal couple.
As for the other 85 percent, sex can be anywhere from a 1 to a 10 on the scale of how awesome the sex turns out. Sometimes you have sex, and it felt more like a 3 or 4. It was good, but it was nothing too memorable. Other times, it hits a 5 or 6 and you say, "Hey, that was pretty nice." Sometimes, you do hit a 10, and it's the best orgasm you could have imagined. Most couples will not hit a 10 every time they have sex.
The key is to bring a good attitude and enjoy whatever sex you end up with. The attitude to bring is, "I am going to have a good time no matter what it turns out to be."
Principle 8: The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple's relationship. Sex for only one purpose for long periods of time undermines flexibility and creates risk of dysfunction and/or stress. The five purposes are pleasure, intimacy, stress reduction, self esteem, and procreation (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The pleasure purpose includes having sex to feel good and/or to get an orgasm. The intimacy purpose refers to people who just want to feel close and connected to their partner. The stress reduction purpose includes people who feel sex reduces their stress or tension. For example, some couples will have sex after an argument to reduce tension between the two of them.
The self-esteem purpose includes having sex to feel confident, beautiful, desired, or an increased sense of self worth. Of course, the procreation purpose refers to those couples who plan sex strategically to have a baby.
Couples do not need to have sex for the same reason. Tammy may be having sex because she wants to feel close to her partner. While Jesse is having sex because it makes him feel confident as a man to feel desired. As long as both partners are getting what they want, the sex will be enjoyable. It's important to get something out of sex for yourself.
Principle 9: Integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles-partner interaction, self entrancement, and role enactment (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Partner interaction includes laughing, talking together and interacting during sex. Self entrancement involves going into your head and just enjoying the sensations or touch as you experience them. There is less talking and more focus on the feelings present. Role enactment is the more experimental style. In this style, couples engage in role play, use sex toys, or try new things.
All arousal styles are important and it is good to use them to spice up your love life. You don't have to use all three every time, but is important to have a balance of each in your love life.
Tune in next week for the 3 final principles for a healthy sex life!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in Couples and Sex Therapy. Angela Skurtu is also writing and will professionally publish a book about Pre-Marital counseling in the next year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, April 25, 2014
What is healthy sex? Part 2
Today, we will look at the next 4 principles in the "Good Enough Sex" model. For those just joining us, the "Good Enough Sex" model is a model for sexual health created by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. Last week we covered the first two principles. This model consists of 12 healthy sexual principles to guide couples creating their own sex lives.
Principle 3: Accurate, realistic and age appropriate physiological, psychological, relationships and sexual expectations are essential for sexual satisfaction (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
While this principle is a good one, it can be difficult for couples to really understand what is considered accurate and realistic. These days with the internet, a variety of people have opinions about what sex should and should not look like. To be honest, there aren't very accurate representations for healthy sexual models in the media.
First, I think of our sexual health as a building process. For example, the things you did sexually as a teenager can still be very enjoyable as an adult. However, if you are still having sex in the exact same way as you did as a teenager every time, you could probably use some growth.
Sexuality is always moving and growing. It is helpful for individuals to continue to try new things and learn things about each other as a partner team. You may have a typical thing you do in the bedroom that you both enjoy, but every now and then add something new to see what you enjoy. From trying new things, you begin to understand more about yourself as a sexual beings.
As far as being age appropriate, I think it can also be healthy to understand how desire will change for the majority of people over time. For men, they typically experience a sexual peak in their late teens to early twenties, and slowly lose desire over time. For women, there are peaks and valleys. It is very typical for a woman's desire to plummet right after having children.
Understanding these differences can help couples to be more open and respectful of differences when they go through them.
Principle 4: Good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health. Each individual values, respects, and affirms his/her partner's sexual body (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The healthier you are as a person, the healthier you will be sexually. Sex requires your muscles to be in working order. People who maintain healthy lifestyles and stay in a healthy weight range will be able to enjoy their sexual lives much better than those people who are regular drinkers and smokers, or people who are obese. In general, take care of yourself if you want a good sex life long term.
In addition, it is still important to be respectful and loving towards your partner's body even if they are trying to lose weight. Women need their partner to tell them they are beautiful and men need their partner to find them handsome. You can affirm someone through words and actions. Rude or rough criticism helps no one.
Principle 5: Relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Relaxation is a primary requirement for individuals to enjoy sex. If you have ever been anxious or uncomfortable during sex, then you already know how difficult this makes it to truly enjoy what you are doing. For couples this involves setting a mood such as lighting candles, getting a babysitter, and just sitting down to talk. For others it may involve getting a couples massage or massaging each other. Whatever helps, take the time to relax.
Principle 6: Pleasure is as important as function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This final principle for today is an important one that many people struggle with. It you have ever had a function problem such as erectile disorder or orgasmic disorder, it makes it difficult to stay present or enjoy the moment. The challenge is that couples can enjoy sex whether or not they are perfectly functioning.
I encourage couples to make the most of every sexual encounter no matter how perfect or imperfect it turns out. Come into the experience with an attitude of, "I am going to enjoy whatever we do." Focus more on the pleasure and the function tends to come along for the ride.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 3: Accurate, realistic and age appropriate physiological, psychological, relationships and sexual expectations are essential for sexual satisfaction (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
While this principle is a good one, it can be difficult for couples to really understand what is considered accurate and realistic. These days with the internet, a variety of people have opinions about what sex should and should not look like. To be honest, there aren't very accurate representations for healthy sexual models in the media.
First, I think of our sexual health as a building process. For example, the things you did sexually as a teenager can still be very enjoyable as an adult. However, if you are still having sex in the exact same way as you did as a teenager every time, you could probably use some growth.
Sexuality is always moving and growing. It is helpful for individuals to continue to try new things and learn things about each other as a partner team. You may have a typical thing you do in the bedroom that you both enjoy, but every now and then add something new to see what you enjoy. From trying new things, you begin to understand more about yourself as a sexual beings.
As far as being age appropriate, I think it can also be healthy to understand how desire will change for the majority of people over time. For men, they typically experience a sexual peak in their late teens to early twenties, and slowly lose desire over time. For women, there are peaks and valleys. It is very typical for a woman's desire to plummet right after having children.
Understanding these differences can help couples to be more open and respectful of differences when they go through them.
Principle 4: Good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health. Each individual values, respects, and affirms his/her partner's sexual body (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The healthier you are as a person, the healthier you will be sexually. Sex requires your muscles to be in working order. People who maintain healthy lifestyles and stay in a healthy weight range will be able to enjoy their sexual lives much better than those people who are regular drinkers and smokers, or people who are obese. In general, take care of yourself if you want a good sex life long term.
In addition, it is still important to be respectful and loving towards your partner's body even if they are trying to lose weight. Women need their partner to tell them they are beautiful and men need their partner to find them handsome. You can affirm someone through words and actions. Rude or rough criticism helps no one.
Principle 5: Relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Relaxation is a primary requirement for individuals to enjoy sex. If you have ever been anxious or uncomfortable during sex, then you already know how difficult this makes it to truly enjoy what you are doing. For couples this involves setting a mood such as lighting candles, getting a babysitter, and just sitting down to talk. For others it may involve getting a couples massage or massaging each other. Whatever helps, take the time to relax.
Principle 6: Pleasure is as important as function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This final principle for today is an important one that many people struggle with. It you have ever had a function problem such as erectile disorder or orgasmic disorder, it makes it difficult to stay present or enjoy the moment. The challenge is that couples can enjoy sex whether or not they are perfectly functioning.
I encourage couples to make the most of every sexual encounter no matter how perfect or imperfect it turns out. Come into the experience with an attitude of, "I am going to enjoy whatever we do." Focus more on the pleasure and the function tends to come along for the ride.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
What is healthy sex? Part 1
For the next few weeks, I am going to introduce an old model of sexual health called the Good Enough Sex Model by Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz. This model is extremely valuable in that it helps couples to develop a clearer understanding for what good sex can look like. It involves 12 principles for healthy sex.
Principle 1: Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long term comfort, intimacy, pleasure, and confidence. Eroticism is an intentional feature and the responsibility of each partner (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
For many couples, when their sex life goes, their relationship happiness goes. I have seen countless couples who struggle to find a middle ground regarding good sex. A good sex life does promote a connectedness like no other.
A key piece of information here is the part discussing eroticism. Couples who experience a good sex life intentionally make eroticism a part of their lives. Both parties are responsible for making things happen.
This may look different depending on which partner is trying to create the eroticism. For example, a woman who is trying to be erotic may try on new nighties and dress sexy for her husband. She may also try to come up with new ideas like bringing sex toys into the bedroom. A man may try to be erotic by sharing taboo fantasies, suggesting more oral sex, or just being more crass when he flirts with his partner.
There is not a perfect way to be erotic. It is just important to develop an openness to trying. It helps when couples have an attitude of "I'll try it once and see what happens." That openness to trying new things allows couples to explore a variety of sexual and erotic ideas. It doesn't mean you will continue to do everything you try. In fact, it is good to negotiate with your partner and be honest if something really doesn't work for you. However, that openness helps couples feel valued by their partner and helps couples develop a more interesting and fun sex life.
Principle 2: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an "intimate team" and together promote a vibrant balance of emotional intimacy and eroticism (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Couples who have good sex lives also have good relationships. As an "intimate team," couples do need a balance of intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy can include: 1) talking about deep conversations and light conversations; 2) Regularly spending time alone together with dates or hobbies; 3) Affection that is non-sexual or lightly sexual in nature such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Eroticism can include: 1) dirty talk or flirting; 2) Affection that is more sexual in nature such as French kissing or touching genitals; 3) Sex in general.
Couples need a good balance of both eroticism and intimacy. If sex is always erotic with no intimacy, many individuals report it feels like sex is all they are good for. I had one client say, "I feel like a prostitute to him." It is never a good thing for couples to ONLY touch each other when sex is involved. Sometimes, partners need touch for comfort or to feel connected with no strings attached.
At the same time, if the relationship is always focused on the intimacy side of things, couples begin to feel more like friends or roommates. If all touch is non-sexual, it can feel as though your partner is not attracted to you. It's important to create a healthy balance of both eroticism and intimacy.
We will discuss the next 10 principles over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.
Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the owner a private practice St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 1: Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long term comfort, intimacy, pleasure, and confidence. Eroticism is an intentional feature and the responsibility of each partner (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
For many couples, when their sex life goes, their relationship happiness goes. I have seen countless couples who struggle to find a middle ground regarding good sex. A good sex life does promote a connectedness like no other.
A key piece of information here is the part discussing eroticism. Couples who experience a good sex life intentionally make eroticism a part of their lives. Both parties are responsible for making things happen.
This may look different depending on which partner is trying to create the eroticism. For example, a woman who is trying to be erotic may try on new nighties and dress sexy for her husband. She may also try to come up with new ideas like bringing sex toys into the bedroom. A man may try to be erotic by sharing taboo fantasies, suggesting more oral sex, or just being more crass when he flirts with his partner.
There is not a perfect way to be erotic. It is just important to develop an openness to trying. It helps when couples have an attitude of "I'll try it once and see what happens." That openness to trying new things allows couples to explore a variety of sexual and erotic ideas. It doesn't mean you will continue to do everything you try. In fact, it is good to negotiate with your partner and be honest if something really doesn't work for you. However, that openness helps couples feel valued by their partner and helps couples develop a more interesting and fun sex life.
Principle 2: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an "intimate team" and together promote a vibrant balance of emotional intimacy and eroticism (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Couples who have good sex lives also have good relationships. As an "intimate team," couples do need a balance of intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy can include: 1) talking about deep conversations and light conversations; 2) Regularly spending time alone together with dates or hobbies; 3) Affection that is non-sexual or lightly sexual in nature such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Eroticism can include: 1) dirty talk or flirting; 2) Affection that is more sexual in nature such as French kissing or touching genitals; 3) Sex in general.
Couples need a good balance of both eroticism and intimacy. If sex is always erotic with no intimacy, many individuals report it feels like sex is all they are good for. I had one client say, "I feel like a prostitute to him." It is never a good thing for couples to ONLY touch each other when sex is involved. Sometimes, partners need touch for comfort or to feel connected with no strings attached.
At the same time, if the relationship is always focused on the intimacy side of things, couples begin to feel more like friends or roommates. If all touch is non-sexual, it can feel as though your partner is not attracted to you. It's important to create a healthy balance of both eroticism and intimacy.
We will discuss the next 10 principles over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.
Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the owner a private practice St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, April 4, 2014
How to Give a Girl Oral Sex Part 2
Today, I would like to add a few suggestions to last week's post about giving a girl oral sex. In addition to focusing on a girl's clitoris, there are several ways to spice up oral sex that include other touches, movements or kisses.
Women tend to like to feel connected to their partner. While you are giving oral sex with your mouth, you can use your hands to touch other parts of her. For example, you can be rubbing your hands up and down her legs either softly or roughly depending on what she responds mostly too. Some girls also enjoy when your hands are touching her butt or tickling her butt.
You can also roam your hands up and softly caress her breasts. Some women may enjoy it if you squeeze or pinch the nipples. Other women are sensitive to this type of touch and prefer softer grazing touches. Other women may be initially sensitive, but enjoy getting their nipples squeezed while they orgasm. A unique thing about body parts is that depending on how aroused you are, the way you are touched can feel different. You may want to try a touch again after you have engaged in some foreplay to see if the feeling has changed.
Keep the discussion open with your partner for what she enjoys the most. It helps to discuss after sex what she enjoyed most so you remember it for next time. However, remember to give some time to bask in the moment before discussing the dos and don'ts. The end of sex includes the time it takes to come down from the high or euphoria after sex.
Talking during oral sex can be a real turn on as well. For example, you may take a break every now and then, look up at her with loving eyes, and tell her she is beautiful or sexy. Then go back down on her and start kissing her vagina again.
You can also spice things up by inserting a finger or two or three inside her vagina while licking her clitoris. The come hither motion is the most popular one which involves inserting two fingers with the palm of your hand facing up toward the ceiling. The two fingers move upward at the same time in a circular motion. Other finger movements include one finger in circling to touch different areas inside the vagina.
Feel free to switch up when you are kissing the vagina and when you are using your fingers. It feels good to use a variety of motions. As always, check in with your girl to see if she is enjoying what you are doing. Every woman is different.
Other variations can include the 69 in which each of your genitals are touching each other's mouths. Usually this is done with the girl on top sitting on the other person's face. Some women really enjoy this because they can both give and receive oral pleasure. Other's like it when oral sex is given in turns so each person can feel like the priority. I think it is good to have a combination of both.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. For more information or to make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Women tend to like to feel connected to their partner. While you are giving oral sex with your mouth, you can use your hands to touch other parts of her. For example, you can be rubbing your hands up and down her legs either softly or roughly depending on what she responds mostly too. Some girls also enjoy when your hands are touching her butt or tickling her butt.
You can also roam your hands up and softly caress her breasts. Some women may enjoy it if you squeeze or pinch the nipples. Other women are sensitive to this type of touch and prefer softer grazing touches. Other women may be initially sensitive, but enjoy getting their nipples squeezed while they orgasm. A unique thing about body parts is that depending on how aroused you are, the way you are touched can feel different. You may want to try a touch again after you have engaged in some foreplay to see if the feeling has changed.
Keep the discussion open with your partner for what she enjoys the most. It helps to discuss after sex what she enjoyed most so you remember it for next time. However, remember to give some time to bask in the moment before discussing the dos and don'ts. The end of sex includes the time it takes to come down from the high or euphoria after sex.
Talking during oral sex can be a real turn on as well. For example, you may take a break every now and then, look up at her with loving eyes, and tell her she is beautiful or sexy. Then go back down on her and start kissing her vagina again.
You can also spice things up by inserting a finger or two or three inside her vagina while licking her clitoris. The come hither motion is the most popular one which involves inserting two fingers with the palm of your hand facing up toward the ceiling. The two fingers move upward at the same time in a circular motion. Other finger movements include one finger in circling to touch different areas inside the vagina.
Feel free to switch up when you are kissing the vagina and when you are using your fingers. It feels good to use a variety of motions. As always, check in with your girl to see if she is enjoying what you are doing. Every woman is different.
Other variations can include the 69 in which each of your genitals are touching each other's mouths. Usually this is done with the girl on top sitting on the other person's face. Some women really enjoy this because they can both give and receive oral pleasure. Other's like it when oral sex is given in turns so each person can feel like the priority. I think it is good to have a combination of both.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. For more information or to make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
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