For the next few weeks, I am going to introduce an old model of sexual health called the Good Enough Sex Model by Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz. This model is extremely valuable in that it helps couples to develop a clearer understanding for what good sex can look like. It involves 12 principles for healthy sex.
Principle 1: Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long term comfort, intimacy, pleasure, and confidence. Eroticism is an intentional feature and the responsibility of each partner (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
For many couples, when their sex life goes, their relationship happiness goes. I have seen countless couples who struggle to find a middle ground regarding good sex. A good sex life does promote a connectedness like no other.
A key piece of information here is the part discussing eroticism. Couples who experience a good sex life intentionally make eroticism a part of their lives. Both parties are responsible for making things happen.
This may look different depending on which partner is trying to create the eroticism. For example, a woman who is trying to be erotic may try on new nighties and dress sexy for her husband. She may also try to come up with new ideas like bringing sex toys into the bedroom. A man may try to be erotic by sharing taboo fantasies, suggesting more oral sex, or just being more crass when he flirts with his partner.
There is not a perfect way to be erotic. It is just important to develop an openness to trying. It helps when couples have an attitude of "I'll try it once and see what happens." That openness to trying new things allows couples to explore a variety of sexual and erotic ideas. It doesn't mean you will continue to do everything you try. In fact, it is good to negotiate with your partner and be honest if something really doesn't work for you. However, that openness helps couples feel valued by their partner and helps couples develop a more interesting and fun sex life.
Principle 2: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an "intimate team" and together promote a vibrant balance of emotional intimacy and eroticism (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Couples who have good sex lives also have good relationships. As an "intimate team," couples do need a balance of intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy can include: 1) talking about deep conversations and light conversations; 2) Regularly spending time alone together with dates or hobbies; 3) Affection that is non-sexual or lightly sexual in nature such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Eroticism can include: 1) dirty talk or flirting; 2) Affection that is more sexual in nature such as French kissing or touching genitals; 3) Sex in general.
Couples need a good balance of both eroticism and intimacy. If sex is always erotic with no intimacy, many individuals report it feels like sex is all they are good for. I had one client say, "I feel like a prostitute to him." It is never a good thing for couples to ONLY touch each other when sex is involved. Sometimes, partners need touch for comfort or to feel connected with no strings attached.
At the same time, if the relationship is always focused on the intimacy side of things, couples begin to feel more like friends or roommates. If all touch is non-sexual, it can feel as though your partner is not attracted to you. It's important to create a healthy balance of both eroticism and intimacy.
We will discuss the next 10 principles over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.
Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the owner a private practice St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
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