Keeping a Healthy Sex Life While Trying to Have a Baby

There are many reasons couples have sex-to feel connected, to have orgasms, to feel confident or sexy. However, one of the most common reasons for couples to have sex is when they are trying to conceive.

While couples are trying to conceive, sex can have some difficulties depending on various steps they have to take. For some couples, trying is very easy and they quickly become pregnant. For other couples, trying to conceive becomes a difficult task that has the potential to harm a couples’ sex life.

How does conception challenge a sex life?  For some couples, the male begins to experience some performance problems. This can occur for many reasons. First, sex has previously been for fun alone. During conception, suddenly there is more pressure to perform and deliver. Anytime sex is pressured, it will have an effect on the performance. This pressure can cause erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation.

Another reason for performance problems is that for a long period the couple might have been in the mindset of avoiding pregnancy. While logically the couple has made the switch to conceive, that does not mean that a man’s body has gotten used to the idea. I have had some clients who stated it took them a while to get used to having sex without condoms or without attempting to pull out.

Another challenge that couples can face is sex feeling routine or even boring. This can happen because couples start performing sex in the same way again and again over a long period of time. The longer a couple takes to conceive, the larger the toll it takes on the relationship.

Not only is there high pressure to perform, but couples forget to incorporate doing fun things such as foreplay or variety. Sex becomes completely about getting to orgasm so they can potentially conceive. At times, couples aren’t even in the mood when they are having sex. Over time, if this pattern repeats often, a couple’s sex life can suffer.
 

How can couples keep a good sex life while trying to conceive?

1)      Take breaks. For many couples, it takes a while to conceive. For example, try to conceive for three months, then take one month off and just have sex for pleasure. Repeat this pattern several times if necessary.

2)      Take time for other kinds of affection daily such as kissing, hugging, cuddling, massages, flirting, etc.

3)      Experiment. Since you know you will be having sex for several days in a row, find ways to vary up each experience. Include toys in one session. Do a little role playing in the next session. Do some oral sex in the third session. Try your best to keep the fun in your sex life.

4)      Have sex when you aren’t ovulating. A good sex life is about both quantity and quality. Keep things going even when there is no potential to conceive.

5)      Get help. If you start to feel as though your relationship is feeling disconnected, seek support from a Marriage Therapist or Sex Therapist.

While having a child is a great goal, keeping a healthy marriage is an important part of the process. I have seen too many couples succeed at having a child only to watch as their marriages crumble. Your future kids learn about relationships by watching how you two work to keep that marriage strong.

 

Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. She also speaks at several businesses and conferences throughout the year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

Sex, Wine and Chocolate Event

The sexual health experts present a night you will not forget! Join three sexual health experts-Cathy Naughton, Urologist and owner of the Center for Sexual Health, Brooke Kalisiak, Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist and owner of Legacy Physical Therapy, and Angela Skurtu, nationally Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.

Each of the speakers discusses important information related to their field of sexual health. Cathy Naughton will present information about medical treatments available to women with sexual problems including pain during sex, low desire, and sexual function.

Brooke Kalisiak will present information about female pelvic floor physical therapy. This specialty specifically helps women who experience pain during sex. She provides muscle training, stretching exercises, and offers advice for how women can improve their sexual health.

Angela Skurtu will present about how to keep the spark in your relationship long term. Various couples and individuals come to see Angela for sexual desire issues, orgasmic issues, sexless marriages, and erection problems. Angela will give couples specific tips for how to improve their sex life.

The event ends with an anonymous question and answer section. Participants are free to ask any questions about sex they are curious about. No topic is off limits!

Ultimately, we want to help men and women experience their most successful sex life possible. Join us on Thursday, September 18, 2014 from 6-7:30pm. The event will take place at the St. Louis Women's Surgery Center, 884 Woods Mill Rd. Suite 100, Ballwin, MO 63011. This event costs $15 per person. To purchase tickets visit the Event Site directly or go to www.therapistinstlouis.com.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy. Her private practice focuses in couples and sex therapy. She is also a speaker and an author. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

What is Healthy Sex-Part 4 (Final)

This will be the conclusion of our discussion about what makes a healthy sex life. Over the last few weeks, we have discussed a model for healthy sexuality created by Barry Metz and Michael McCarthy that explores 12 basic principles for a healthy sexual relationship. Today, we discuss the last three principles or the Good Enough Sex Model.


Principle 10: Gender differences are respectfully valued and mutually accepted (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


Whether we like it or not, there are some clear gender differences couples may experience when navigating their sex life. Men tend to have a higher desire than women. Women tend to want more foreplay or even nonsexual touch. To some degree, everyone has different expectations for how much sex should happen daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and what that sex should look like.


While these gender differences do exist, it is also very important to understand and accept who your own partner uniquely is and how they are designed. For example, the expectation that men should have a higher sex drive leaves men with lower sex drives feeling as though they are broken in some way. The women in relationships with lower desire men tend to question their own beauty or ability to attract their mate. This cycle causes huge problems when it might have been best to just learn to understand each others differences from the beginning.


Another problem is when an individual is expecting their partner to react to things sexually in the same way that "most" women or men have reacted to the same thing. For example, a man may give oral sex to his current partner, she doesn't like it, and he says, "All my other girlfriends liked it. What's wrong with you?" While there are some similarities in gender, each person has their own unique sexual interests. It is important to respect and accept those differences whether or not they fit into the stereotypical gender norm.


Principle 11: Sex is integrated into real life and real life integrated into sex. Partners ensure a regular frequency of sex. Sexuality is developing, growing, and evolving throughout life (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


This principle covers a lot of ground. To start, sex cannot be sectioned off in life to a point that it has no place in life. For example, I have heard of people putting very strict boundaries around sex such as, "It can only happen after 9pm, when kids are asleep or away from the house entirely, on weekends, if I am not too tired." Oh, and also, "No flirting or touching me in between those times."


This type of relationship inevitably will have problems because people need some level of affection and connection whether or not it is perfect. In real life, it is okay to quietly flirt with or kiss your partner even with the kids watching TV in front of you. It is also okay if every once in a while when you are having sex, one of you gets a little distracted because you are worried about work tomorrow.


The key to a successful blend is learning not to take things personally and to be open. Don't take it personally when someone gets a little distracted. Use it as an opportunity to either check in with your partner, "Hey, do you want to talk about it?" or use it as an opportunity to attract your partner's affections in a flirty fun way. "Does your work let you do this?" she says while going down on her partner.


In the next portion of the principle, it states that both partners ensure regular sex. Understand that each of you needs to initiate sex with your partner. It hurts to feel like you are the only one who cares about your sex life. If you haven't initiated in a while, do so tonight. I encourage my couples to each individually try to initiate with their partner once weekly.


Always try to learn and grow sexually with each other. There are so many unique and fun ways to explore sex. If one thing is getting old, try something new and shake things up.


Principle 12: Sexuality is personalized. It can be playful, spiritual, "special." Sex has meaning (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


This is truly my favorite principle. Find a way to make your sex life meaningful to you. There is no right or wrong to this answer. Just find a way to be happy with your partner and make your love life a priority.


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist runs a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

What is Healthy Sex-Part 3

This week, we continue to go over the "Good Enough Sex Model" developed by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. This model gives couple's clear examples for how to create a healthy sex life.


Principle 7: Valuing variable, flexible sexual experiences (the "85 percent approach") and abandoning the "Need" for perfect performance inoculates the couple against sexual dysfunction by reducing performance pressure, fears of failure, and rejection (Metz and McCarty, 2007).


The 85 percent approach refers to what real sex lives normally look like among couples. For starters, 15 percent of a couples sexual encounters tend to be down right dysfunctional. One time someone gets whisky dick. Another time, a kid interrupts by screaming, "I peed the bed!" Another time, someone just can't get an orgasm. The sex is feeling good, they just aren't hitting their peak orgasm. If these interferences are happening 15% of the time or less, you are actually a normal couple.


As for the other 85 percent, sex can be anywhere from a 1 to a 10 on the scale of how awesome the sex turns out. Sometimes you have sex, and it felt more like a 3 or 4. It was good, but it was nothing too memorable. Other times, it hits a 5 or 6 and you say, "Hey, that was pretty nice." Sometimes, you do hit a 10, and it's the best orgasm you could have imagined. Most couples will not hit a 10 every time they have sex.


The key is to bring a good attitude and enjoy whatever sex you end up with. The attitude to bring is, "I am going to have a good time no matter what it turns out to be."


Principle 8: The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple's relationship. Sex for only one purpose for long periods of time undermines flexibility and creates risk of dysfunction and/or stress. The five purposes are pleasure, intimacy, stress reduction, self esteem, and procreation (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


The pleasure purpose includes having sex to feel good and/or to get an orgasm. The intimacy purpose refers to people who just want to feel close and connected to their partner. The stress reduction purpose includes people who feel sex reduces their stress or tension. For example, some couples will have sex after an argument to reduce tension between the two of them.


The self-esteem purpose includes having sex to feel confident, beautiful, desired, or an increased sense of self worth. Of course, the procreation purpose refers to those couples who plan sex strategically to have a baby.


Couples do not need to have sex for the same reason. Tammy may be having sex because she wants to feel close to her partner. While Jesse is having sex because it makes him feel confident as a man to feel desired. As long as both partners are getting what they want, the sex will be enjoyable. It's important to get something out of sex for yourself.


Principle 9: Integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles-partner interaction, self entrancement, and role enactment (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


Partner interaction includes laughing, talking together and interacting during sex. Self entrancement involves going into your head and just enjoying the sensations or touch as you experience them. There is less talking and more focus on the feelings present. Role enactment is the more experimental style. In this style, couples engage in role play, use sex toys, or try new things.


All arousal styles are important and it is good to use them to spice up your love life. You don't have to use all three every time, but is important to have a balance of each in your love life.


Tune in next week for the 3 final principles for a healthy sex life!


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in Couples and Sex Therapy. Angela Skurtu is also writing and will professionally publish a book about Pre-Marital counseling in the next year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

What is healthy sex? Part 2

Today, we will look at the next 4 principles in the "Good Enough Sex" model. For those just joining us, the "Good Enough Sex" model is a model for sexual health created by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. Last week we covered the first two principles. This model consists of 12 healthy sexual principles to guide couples creating their own sex lives.


Principle 3: Accurate, realistic and age appropriate physiological, psychological, relationships and sexual expectations are essential for sexual satisfaction (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


While this principle is a good one, it can be difficult for couples to really understand what is considered accurate and realistic. These days with the internet, a variety of people have opinions about what sex should and should not look like. To be honest, there aren't very accurate representations for healthy sexual models in the media.


First, I think of our sexual health as a building process. For example, the things you did sexually as a teenager can still be very enjoyable as an adult. However, if you are still having sex in the exact same way as you did as a teenager every time, you could probably use some growth.


Sexuality is always moving and growing. It is helpful for individuals to continue to try new things and learn things about each other as a partner team. You may have a typical thing you do in the bedroom that you both enjoy, but every now and then add something new to see what you enjoy. From trying new things, you begin to understand more about yourself as a sexual beings.


As far as being age appropriate, I think it can also be healthy to understand how desire will change for the majority of people over time. For men, they typically experience a sexual peak in their late teens to early twenties, and slowly lose desire over time. For women, there are peaks and valleys. It is very typical for a woman's desire to plummet right after having children.


Understanding these differences can help couples to be more open and respectful of differences when they go through them.


Principle 4: Good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health. Each individual values, respects, and affirms his/her partner's sexual body (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


The healthier you are as a person, the healthier you will be sexually. Sex requires your muscles to be in working order. People who maintain healthy lifestyles and stay in a healthy weight range will be able to enjoy their sexual lives much better than those people who are regular drinkers and smokers, or people who are obese. In general, take care of yourself if you want a good sex life long term.


In addition, it is still important to be respectful and loving towards your partner's body even if they are trying to lose weight. Women need their partner to tell them they are beautiful and men need their partner to find them handsome. You can affirm someone through words and actions. Rude or rough criticism helps no one.


Principle 5: Relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


Relaxation is a primary requirement for individuals to enjoy sex. If you have ever been anxious or uncomfortable during sex, then you already know how difficult this makes it to truly enjoy what you are doing. For couples this involves setting a mood such as lighting candles, getting a babysitter, and just sitting down to talk. For others it may involve getting a couples massage or massaging each other. Whatever helps, take the time to relax.


Principle 6: Pleasure is as important as function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


This final principle for today is an important one that many people struggle with. It you have ever had a function problem such as erectile disorder or orgasmic disorder, it makes it difficult to stay present or enjoy the moment. The challenge is that couples can enjoy sex whether or not they are perfectly functioning.


I encourage couples to make the most of every sexual encounter no matter how perfect or imperfect it turns out. Come into the experience with an attitude of, "I am going to enjoy whatever we do." Focus more on the pleasure and the function tends to come along for the ride.


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

What is healthy sex? Part 1

For the next few weeks, I am going to introduce an old model of sexual health called the Good Enough Sex Model by Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz. This model is extremely valuable in that it helps couples to develop a clearer understanding for what good sex can look like. It involves 12 principles for healthy sex.


Principle 1: Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long term comfort, intimacy, pleasure, and confidence. Eroticism is an intentional feature and the responsibility of each partner (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


For many couples, when their sex life goes, their relationship happiness goes. I have seen countless couples who struggle to find a middle ground regarding good sex. A good sex life does promote a connectedness like no other.


A key piece of information here is the part discussing eroticism. Couples who experience a good sex life intentionally make eroticism a part of their lives. Both parties are responsible for making things happen.


This may look different depending on which partner is trying to create the eroticism. For example, a woman who is trying to be erotic may try on new nighties and dress sexy for her husband. She may also try to come up with new ideas like bringing sex toys into the bedroom. A man may try to be erotic by sharing taboo fantasies, suggesting more oral sex, or just being more crass when he flirts with his partner.


There is not a perfect way to be erotic. It is just important to develop an openness to trying. It helps when couples have an attitude of "I'll try it once and see what happens." That openness to trying new things allows couples to explore a variety of sexual and erotic ideas. It doesn't mean you will continue to do everything you try. In fact, it is good to negotiate with your partner and be honest if something really doesn't work for you. However, that openness helps couples feel valued by their partner and helps couples develop a more interesting and fun sex life.


Principle 2: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an "intimate team" and together promote a vibrant balance of emotional intimacy and eroticism (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).


Couples who have good sex lives also have good relationships. As an "intimate team," couples do need a balance of intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy can include: 1) talking about deep conversations and light conversations; 2) Regularly spending time alone together with dates or hobbies; 3) Affection that is non-sexual or lightly sexual in nature such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Eroticism can include: 1) dirty talk or flirting; 2) Affection that is more sexual in nature such as French kissing or touching genitals; 3) Sex in general.


Couples need a good balance of both eroticism and intimacy. If sex is always erotic with no intimacy, many individuals report it feels like sex is all they are good for. I had one client say, "I feel like a prostitute to him." It is never a good thing for couples to ONLY touch each other when sex is involved. Sometimes, partners need touch for comfort or to feel connected with no strings attached.


At the same time, if the relationship is always focused on the intimacy side of things, couples begin to feel more like friends or roommates. If all touch is non-sexual, it can feel as though your partner is not attracted to you. It's important to create a healthy balance of both eroticism and intimacy.


We will discuss the next 10 principles over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.


Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the owner a private practice St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

How to Give a Girl Oral Sex Part 2

Today, I would like to add a few suggestions to last week's post about giving a girl oral sex. In addition to focusing on a girl's clitoris, there are several ways to spice up oral sex that include other touches, movements or kisses.


Women tend to like to feel connected to their partner. While you are giving oral sex with your mouth, you can use your hands to touch other parts of her. For example, you can be rubbing your hands up and down her legs either softly or roughly depending on what she responds mostly too. Some girls also enjoy when your hands are touching her butt or tickling her butt.


You can also roam your hands up and softly caress her breasts. Some women may enjoy it if you squeeze or pinch the nipples. Other women are sensitive to this type of touch and prefer softer grazing touches. Other women may be initially sensitive, but enjoy getting their nipples squeezed while they orgasm. A unique thing about body parts is that depending on how aroused you are, the way you are touched can feel different. You may want to try a touch again after you have engaged in some foreplay to see if the feeling has changed.


Keep the discussion open with your partner for what she enjoys the most. It helps to discuss after sex what she enjoyed most so you remember it for next time. However, remember to give some time to bask in the moment before discussing the dos and don'ts. The end of sex includes the time it takes to come down from the high or euphoria after sex.


Talking during oral sex can be a real turn on as well. For example, you may take a break every now and then, look up at her with loving eyes, and tell her she is beautiful or sexy. Then go back down on her and start kissing her vagina again.


You can also spice things up by inserting a finger or two or three inside her vagina while licking her clitoris. The come hither motion is the most popular one which involves inserting two fingers with the palm of your hand facing up toward the ceiling. The two fingers move upward at the same time in a circular motion. Other finger movements include one finger in circling to touch different areas inside the vagina.


Feel free to switch up when you are kissing the vagina and when you are using your fingers. It feels good to use a variety of motions. As always, check in with your girl to see if she is enjoying what you are doing. Every woman is different.


Other variations can include the 69 in which each of your genitals are touching each other's mouths. Usually this is done with the girl on top sitting on the other person's face. Some women really enjoy this because they can both give and receive oral pleasure. Other's like it when oral sex is given in turns so each person can feel like the priority. I think it is good to have a combination of both.


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. For more information or to make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

How to Give a Girl Oral Sex

Today, I would like to teach guys and gals how to give oral sex to a woman. To start, you have to get to know your partner and what they like. It helps when couples sit down and actually talk about what has felt good in the past or even what they do to themselves when masturbating.


When some girls masturbate, they touch around the vagina first and then go to the clitoris. Other girls don't even start with the vagina. They may start with a warm bath, thinking of a fantasy, touching other parts of their body to get things going and then head to the vagina.  Whatever the case, ask your girl what she would prefer you to do.


Next, I'll offer a few pointers for your own knowledge. While many guys tend to be okay with someone touching their penis right away. Girls sometimes want there to be a focus on other body parts first. Think of guys being like microwaves and girls being like ovens. For a girl, it helps to preheat the oven.


You can preheat the oven by kissing around her neck and ears, kissing down her belly, over her chest and even on her legs. You can also French kiss each other while touching some of these parts of the body. Spend at least some time making out. For each situation, the amount of time may be different. Girls like variety, so it is good to mix it up. Sometimes spend 20 to 30 minutes making out before going down on her. Other times, if you have already been flirting throughout the day or you can tell she is really in the mood, you can go down after five minutes. Either way, try to mix it up.


When you do go down, you can use a variety of positions. For example, you can be standing up, push her against the wall, and go down on her on your knees. You can also push her onto the edge of the bed and be on your knees leaning over her vagina. Another position is for her to be laid out flat on the bed or with her legs up in a V shape with your face over her vagina. Like I said before, it's good to switch things up.


Once you are down there, start giving a mixture of pecks and French kisses above the pubes around the side of the vagina on the legs while every now and then going straight for the vagina and then moving away again. This technique can cause her to feel some anticipation or longing. If she tries to move your head to her vagina, you can start to kiss her there and then switch it up again by kissing the top, the sides, even into the pubes if you feel up for it.


Let her guide you with her moans, words and or movements. Sometimes girls will try to shift you by shifting their body. This can be a great time to say, "Where do you want me to go next?" For the girls receiving oral sex, gently encourage your partner by praising things that feel good, and guiding them to the areas you want them to spend more time in.


After a little teasing, start licking in the inner labia. This is the wetter, reddish or darker area of the vagina. For some people it is difficult to find the clitoris because the inner labia can have several folds and layers. The clitoris also hides under something called the clitoral hood. Ask your girl to show you where her clitoris is located. You can start by licking the inner labia on either side and then licking the clitoris.


A few different techniques to try: 1) Trace your ABCs across the clitoris. Trace the tongue into an A, a B, etc. This can stimulate the clitoris in a variety of ways and is very sexy. 2) Use your tongue in circles around the clitoris. 3) Flatten your tongue and lick in an upward motion ending with the tip of the tongue. Use long slow strokes. 4) Use quick, short flicks on the clitoris while simultaneously lifting open and releasing the clitoral hood. 5) Use your tongue like a vibrator and try to quickly tap the clitoris. You can also incorporate a variety of the above techniques into one oral sex session.


These are just a few examples of things you may try. For anything you use, check with your girl on what feels good to her. The challenging thing about oral sex is that each person enjoys it differently. Some girls like more of the spontaneity while other girls have specific movements that drive them crazy.


If you are still at a loss, it can also be helpful to have your girl pick out a movie that shows how she likes to receive oral sex. Watch it together and have her point out the specific things she might want you to try. Then try them and see what works. The ultimate goal is to keep learning about each other and to take your cues from her.


Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that focuses on couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

Developing Sexual Confidence

Several clients tell me they lack confidence in general, but more specifically sexual confidence. This can be very challenging because it leads to behaviors that can inhibit sex. Examples include 1) Keeping your clothes on during sex because you are insecure about your looks; 2) Avoiding bringing up a secret fantasy such as an interest in using sex toys; 3) An inability to tell your partner what you like in the moment. These example can lead couples to feel like they don't know their partner very well.


Confidence is a challenging issue because of where confidence comes from. You have to have a combination of internal belief in yourself as a worthy person and external validation from others that you are a worthy person.


First look inward. What self-talk is going on in your head? Are the things you say kind or very mean? My guess is that it is negative self talk such as 1) "You were so stupid just then!" 2) "Why should I even ask? Nobody will listen," 3) "I hate it when he sees my breasts! They are so ugly!"


When you recognize the negative self talk, practice replacing those words with positive or neutral self talk. Practice saying these things even if you don't believe it at first. Over time, you can begin to develop more self confidence. Examples 1) "My breasts are beautiful." 2) "My opinion can be helpful." 3) "I am smart."


Second, change your stance. Typically, people who lack confidence also stand and sit in positions that show powerlessness. You can use Power Poses to help yourself physically feel confident. Standing in very commanding positions that take up space for periods of time throughout the day helps people feel confident over time. Example: Stand like Wonder Woman for 5 minutes daily.


Third, change your appearance. When people feel down, they typically dress the part-wearing sweats, putting hair into a pony tail, etc. When you have your worst days, practice dressing for success. Put your best outfit on. Wear makeup. Every time you look in the mirror, you will feel better because you look good.


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Is it OKAY to Fantasize about Someone Else during Sex with your Partner?

The answer to this question is "sure, to an extent." First off, it is common for people to think about a variety of things during sex. You may think of a sexy video or TV scene you watched. You may think of a recent excerpt of a book that turned you on. You may imagine your partner as the actor in the video doing those sexy things to you or you may close your eyes and imagine the actor/actress is your partner.


In general, fantasies that stay fantasies don't cause any trouble. Use them wisely because they can help you achieve orgasm in an otherwise mundane sexual experience. But understand that just because you have a fantasy, doesn't mean it will come to fruition. For example, many people fantasize about group sex or sex with more than one partner. While this may happen for some polyamorous couples, a good number of people will remain monogamous. It is important to respect and understand your partner's limits.


In order delve further into this topic, let's discuss open communication versus closed communication. Some people are more open about their fantasies than others. For example, if your partner is very reactive to seemingly benign sexual fantasies shared, it may not be a good idea to share that you sometimes fantasize about the actress from True Blood during orgasm. I would take your cues about whether to share from your partner. If they are open to discuss deep fantasies, then it is fine to talk about them. In some cases, it can be a great experience to reassure one another that you both fantasize about dirty perverted things.


One thing I would warn people about is fantasizing too much or too often about the same thing. For example, say you start to fantasize about your neighbor. For a good month, they are the only person you fantasize about during sex. The challenge here is that any time we focus our mind solely on one fantasy, we close ourselves off to the variety of sexual options out there. In some cases, individuals get to a point where they can't even orgasm without that particular situation, fantasy or fetish. This can feel very limiting to both you and your partner.


In addition, thinking solely about that one person who is not your partner opens the door to potential infidelities. It's similar to when an athlete spends a lot of time visualizing the track he is about to run. He goes over the different hurdles, he plans his attack, and he imagines the features of the course. This prepares him to run his race well and is its own form of mental training.


When you keep your mind focused solely on one person that is potentially someone you could cheat on your partner with, in a way, it is training your mind in how you would do that. A good number of people who did cheat reported they had fantasized about the other person before engaging in the relationship.


Does this mean you can never fantasize about another person? No. Like I said before, it is common for people to imagine a variety of people, places and things in fantasy land. What's important it that any fantasy should be a piece of the puzzle, not the entire puzzle.


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focusing in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Sexual Fetishes-Opening Up Ideas with your Partner

A lot of people have fetishes for different things. For example, ever since "50 Shades of Grey," came out, a lot of women have told me they are interested in a man being dominant with them in the bedroom. Now granted, not every woman is interested in dating a jerk like the main character Mr. Grey-how shall I say-serious commitment issues!


So how do you bring up the idea of dominance or any other fetish with your partner in a palatable way? For starters, if you liked a scene in that book or any other book for that matter, ask your partner to read that small clip. Once he or she has read it, have a discussion about what specifically you liked in that segment.


What you will find is that you and your partner will likely be drawn to different segments of the scene. Don't despair! Just learn about your differences and point out the specific things you like about it. Then have a conversation about what pieces you could try in the bedroom. If your partner is willing, that is a great step!


Next, practice it a few times. Do not expect it to go perfectly the first few times you try it! In fact, expect it to go completely different and even screw up a little bit. Be willing to laugh and learn. Just like when you first rode a bicycle, you didn't magically ride it perfectly with no mistakes. You fumbled a little, you might have scraped your knee even. Respect the process and you will get much better at it.


Over time, you will get better at adding this idea and others. And finally, remember that any fetish should be a piece of the sexual cake, not the entire cake. Everyone needs variety and it gets old if every time you have sex there is only one way to do so. Enjoy!


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com to make an appointment.

Sex, Wine and Chocolate Seminar

It's that time again when romance is in the air and you start thinking about how to celebrate the love you have-Valentine's Day! What better way to celebrate this lovely day then by getting a little sex education!


Come to the next Sex, Wine and Chocolate Seminar. This session features 3 very interesting women who know a lot about sex. Our first speaker is Dr. Naughton, a local Urologist with the Center for Sexual Health Metropolitan Urological Specialists. She works with both men and women and is one of the only Urologists in St. Louis who specializes in sexual medicine. She will be speaking about common female sexual dysfunctions and the medical options available to treat these problems.


Second to speak is Brooke Kalisiak, owner of Legacy Physical Therapy. She is a pelvic floor physical therapist who specializes in the physical therapy treatment of women's sexual dysfunction. She helps women who experience pain during sex with specific exercises that help them work through the pain and enjoy sex again. She will speak about helpful physical therapy treatments she offers and educate women about bladder health.


Our final speaker is Angela Skurtu, owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Educator. She works with couples and individuals on creating a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life. Angela will be speaking about sexual health for couples-specifically about how to keep the spark in your relationship long term.


To purchase tickets to this event, please visit http://www.therapistinstlouis.com/pages/Events or call Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997.

Sex Education for Parents with Teens

The most common form of sex education used these days is abstinence only sex education. Several local schools in the St. Louis area tout that they have a great program that encourages teenagers to be abstinent until marriage. The only problem is that research shows that abstinence only programs don't work. Why?


Many teenagers, whether we like it or not, will have sex before getting married. While it is a great ideal to wait until marriage, the vast majority of adults report that they did not wait. The trouble with an abstinence only program is that it doesn't teach kids how to protect themselves from STDs or unwanted pregnancies. It only teaches them to avoid sex.


What this creates is a complete lack of understanding about what factors cause STDs such as oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex without condoms. Many teenagers will not ask their parents for condoms and then engage in these activities without any protection. This has lead to teens in St. Louis having one of the highest rates of STDs in the country. We also have a high number of unwanted teen pregnancies for this reason.


The hard fact is that in addition to encouraging teenagers to wait, we really need to teach them how to be safe as well. Your teens will have sex whether you like or not, and isn't better to prevent unnecessary harm?


To think about this differently, do you remember when you were teaching your child to ride a bicycle? Did you give them a helmet to wear? By giving your child a helmet, you weren't saying to your child, "I support you getting into an accident. Go! Ride recklessly into the night!" Of course you don't support accidents. You still taught your kid how to ride and be safe, but you gave the helmet for just in case something happened.


The same could be said for condoms and birth control. Giving your kids these items does not mean, "Hey, I support you having a bunch of reckless sex. Go forth and enjoy your new found freedom!" No, you are still responsible for teaching your kids how to be safe, how to make the best choice for themselves, and how to decide when the time is right for them. However, you also give them a helmet (or condom) for just in case. Because your teen may not tell you when they do decide to have sex. An wouldn't it be better if they were protected just in case?


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that offers couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Affairs-A Practical Approach

One of the most common issues I deal with in therapy is couples getting over an affair. Affairs have a way of jarring people and shaking them to the core. For those who get involved in the affair, they question their marriage, their happiness, and even their choices overall in life. For people who have been cheated on, they report suffering PTSD like symptoms, they struggle to trust their partner, and suffer trying to put the pieces back together again.

There is no easy way to rebuild after an affair. As a therapist, I try to help people gain closure and figure out whether to stay in their relationships. If they do choose to stay, I help them take steps to rebuild trust and gain confidence in their interpersonal relationship.

My one wish is that it could be avoided for couples. In order to prevent this from occurring in your own relationship, there are a few steps you can take as a couple. Step 1, recognize you are capable of cheating. Anyone is capable. Whether you like it or not, you are a person who will likely find other people outside of your relationship attractive. Just because you find someone attractive, does not mean you need to act on it. It is natural to find others attractive and it is common to find a few people along the way that you could potentially develop a connection with. However, a new connection does not have to sever an old one.

Step 2, take steps to prevent affairs. Since you know it is possible, find ways to remove yourself or reduce contact with people who could pose a threat to your current relationship. For example, if you notice you find someone in your office attractive, avoid situations alone with them. These situations could include going out for cocktails, going on trips, or even just a friendly lunch. All of these situations can be potential starts of extramarital affairs.

Step 3, Invest in your current relationship. Often, people will say things weren't going well in their relationship when they found their affair partner. If you find yourself feeling distant or lonely in your relationship, do something about it. Spend more time together. Actively choose to think positive thoughts about your partner 4 times a day. Practice touching more both sexually and non-sexually. Commit to a daily cuddle time before bed. Explore new sexual horizons.

As always, seek counseling if the problems feel too big to solve on your own or if you are not sure what to do to make things better. Many people are already in decent relationships. We just take for granted what we have and forget to make our relationships a priority. There is always a chance to make a change for the better.

Angela Skurtu owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.