Desire is a very tricky problem for people. There are some women and men who have always had a low desire throughout their lives. When asked about how their desire looked as teenagers, they will explain that they never felt the crazy surge of hormones like their peers felt. Sometimes, they would feel weird because everyone around them talked about sex while they had other more important things on their minds.
People in this category are often considered asexual. They rarely have feelings of attraction, and have little to no interest in sexual activities (even during times when everyone is supposed to be hypersexual, such as in adolescence).
Not everyone with low desire is considered asexual. There is a second category of people that did experience desire like everyone else. They went through the crazy teenage hormones and may even have had a good start sexually with their romantic partner. Somehow, along the way, they lost their desire for sex.
A first step for understanding this type of desire is to find out if the person has lost their desire for sex entirely or if it is specific to their current partner. Sometimes a person will still think about sex here and there, but either due to relationship trouble or boredom, they have lost interest sexually in their current partner.
Other times, a person finds themselves completely lacking any desire for sex with any partner. They rarely think about sex day to day. When they are trying to be sexual, they just aren't getting into the mood, and don't initiate sex very often.
There are many reasons why a person can lose interest in sex. They may be so busy with kids, work, and life's responsibilities that it literally is the last thing on their minds. They may be in a relationship for a long time and just feel like the routine doesn't spark their interest anymore. They may even have hormonal changes as they get older that affect their ability to experience desire.
Whatever the reason, it is important for couples to seek help and to actively address the problem as a team if they are unhappy about their desire levels. In our Sex, Wine, and Chocolate seminar, our speakers discuss some of the different ways couples can address desire as a team. The most important thing couples need to know is that they don't just have to accept low desire as a lifetime problem.
There are ways that couples learn to improve their desire and create compromises that help each of them to be more happy with their sex life.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She also wrote the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians," and runs a seminar that teaches couples how to bring the spark back into the relationship called, "Sex, Wine, and Chocolate." To make an appointment visit www.therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.
Monday, December 28, 2015
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Why does therapy sometimes NOT work?
If you ask anyone you know about therapy, you will receive a wide variety of responses, pros and cons, and either successes or horror stories. Why do people have such varying outcomes when it comes to therapy? Below is a the top 5 list for why therapy is unsuccessful.
1) One or both parties are not committed to making a change in the relationship.
I'm a therapist, not a miracle worker. Sometimes, a couple comes in and one or more persons involved really is done with the relationship. They are tired of trying. They don't really like their partner anymore. They are already making plans to divorce. The sad thing is that many couples see therapy as a last resort when their marriage is ready to fall apart. What they need to do is come about 2 or 3 years earlier when they are still trying and still care about one another.
2) Clients expect all the work to be done in the therapy session.
Most therapy sessions last anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours per session once weekly or every other week. Clients live most of their lives outside of the therapy session. So while it is helpful to have a therapist guide you through some tough topics, therapy is very limited in what can be accomplished. The people who are getting the most help are using therapy as a catalyst to start longer conversations in their every day lives. They are putting effort into date nights, and spending time alone talking and really trying to understand each other. All of this effort takes place in their day to day lives.
3) Clients are expecting a quick fix.
The hard reality of therapy is that sometimes things get worse before they get better. Usually the first few weeks of therapy can be very intense. Why? People are great at compartmentalizing their problems. It is highly likely that they have avoided bringing up certain conversations because they either start a fight or they go nowhere. In therapy, my job is to bring up tough issues. Essentially, I am stirring the pot. In the beginning, clients will see more arguments and they will sometimes withdraw. They will ask themselves: Why am I in therapy if things are getting worse? If you can just hang in there, after some initial pot stirring, things start to improve. Clients learn skills for how to listen and to be more respectful. Over time, they get better at communicating about tough topics. Finally, therapy is over and has been a success.
4) Clients are with the wrong therapist.
Therapists come with many different backgrounds and trainings. Some therapists are great with kids but hate working with couples. Some therapists love new age, holistic treatments, while others prefer reality checks that get you thinking. There's a therapist for every couple. Ask questions and interview potential therapists. If it feels like you get a good connection with the therapist over the phone, try a session out to see if both of you connect with the therapist. You just need to find the one that is right for you!
5) Clients don't make therapy a priority.
When a couple is in crisis, they need to make their relationship the primary goal. Too often, a couple will schedule one session a month and expect this will somehow magically alter their relationship. The reality is that many couples take this approach with their marriage. They put every other priority before it and expect it to stay healthy. A relationship needs constant work to maintain its strength. If you are expecting to keep your relationship on the back burner, at some point, it will burn out.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Her practice offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling." This book is written for both clients and clinicians. It covers the 5 habits of successful relationships. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
1) One or both parties are not committed to making a change in the relationship.
I'm a therapist, not a miracle worker. Sometimes, a couple comes in and one or more persons involved really is done with the relationship. They are tired of trying. They don't really like their partner anymore. They are already making plans to divorce. The sad thing is that many couples see therapy as a last resort when their marriage is ready to fall apart. What they need to do is come about 2 or 3 years earlier when they are still trying and still care about one another.
2) Clients expect all the work to be done in the therapy session.
Most therapy sessions last anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours per session once weekly or every other week. Clients live most of their lives outside of the therapy session. So while it is helpful to have a therapist guide you through some tough topics, therapy is very limited in what can be accomplished. The people who are getting the most help are using therapy as a catalyst to start longer conversations in their every day lives. They are putting effort into date nights, and spending time alone talking and really trying to understand each other. All of this effort takes place in their day to day lives.
3) Clients are expecting a quick fix.
The hard reality of therapy is that sometimes things get worse before they get better. Usually the first few weeks of therapy can be very intense. Why? People are great at compartmentalizing their problems. It is highly likely that they have avoided bringing up certain conversations because they either start a fight or they go nowhere. In therapy, my job is to bring up tough issues. Essentially, I am stirring the pot. In the beginning, clients will see more arguments and they will sometimes withdraw. They will ask themselves: Why am I in therapy if things are getting worse? If you can just hang in there, after some initial pot stirring, things start to improve. Clients learn skills for how to listen and to be more respectful. Over time, they get better at communicating about tough topics. Finally, therapy is over and has been a success.
4) Clients are with the wrong therapist.
Therapists come with many different backgrounds and trainings. Some therapists are great with kids but hate working with couples. Some therapists love new age, holistic treatments, while others prefer reality checks that get you thinking. There's a therapist for every couple. Ask questions and interview potential therapists. If it feels like you get a good connection with the therapist over the phone, try a session out to see if both of you connect with the therapist. You just need to find the one that is right for you!
5) Clients don't make therapy a priority.
When a couple is in crisis, they need to make their relationship the primary goal. Too often, a couple will schedule one session a month and expect this will somehow magically alter their relationship. The reality is that many couples take this approach with their marriage. They put every other priority before it and expect it to stay healthy. A relationship needs constant work to maintain its strength. If you are expecting to keep your relationship on the back burner, at some point, it will burn out.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Her practice offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling." This book is written for both clients and clinicians. It covers the 5 habits of successful relationships. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
How can I add Kink to my Marriage?
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