Desire is a very tricky problem for people. There are some women and men who have always had a low desire throughout their lives. When asked about how their desire looked as teenagers, they will explain that they never felt the crazy surge of hormones like their peers felt. Sometimes, they would feel weird because everyone around them talked about sex while they had other more important things on their minds.
People in this category are often considered asexual. They rarely have feelings of attraction, and have little to no interest in sexual activities (even during times when everyone is supposed to be hypersexual, such as in adolescence).
Not everyone with low desire is considered asexual. There is a second category of people that did experience desire like everyone else. They went through the crazy teenage hormones and may even have had a good start sexually with their romantic partner. Somehow, along the way, they lost their desire for sex.
A first step for understanding this type of desire is to find out if the person has lost their desire for sex entirely or if it is specific to their current partner. Sometimes a person will still think about sex here and there, but either due to relationship trouble or boredom, they have lost interest sexually in their current partner.
Other times, a person finds themselves completely lacking any desire for sex with any partner. They rarely think about sex day to day. When they are trying to be sexual, they just aren't getting into the mood, and don't initiate sex very often.
There are many reasons why a person can lose interest in sex. They may be so busy with kids, work, and life's responsibilities that it literally is the last thing on their minds. They may be in a relationship for a long time and just feel like the routine doesn't spark their interest anymore. They may even have hormonal changes as they get older that affect their ability to experience desire.
Whatever the reason, it is important for couples to seek help and to actively address the problem as a team if they are unhappy about their desire levels. In our Sex, Wine, and Chocolate seminar, our speakers discuss some of the different ways couples can address desire as a team. The most important thing couples need to know is that they don't just have to accept low desire as a lifetime problem.
There are ways that couples learn to improve their desire and create compromises that help each of them to be more happy with their sex life.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She also wrote the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians," and runs a seminar that teaches couples how to bring the spark back into the relationship called, "Sex, Wine, and Chocolate." To make an appointment visit www.therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.
