Back to Basics Part 3-Investing in Your Relationship

It's always surprising to me how many married couples say to me, "I feel like we are roommates." What causes this feeling? Part of it has to do with feeling like you have a balance of three different types of love within your relationship-friendship, lust, and family/commitment.

First let's describe these types of love in more detail. Friendship-this involves spending time together and wanting to have fun together. Think of any friendship you have that is good. Usually it is good because you invest time and energy into it. Now guys and girls are different in friendships. Often men will spend time doing things such as a project, a game, etc. Guys often seem a bit more hobby oriented.

When women spend time together, there may be something done, but they can also just sit together and talk. With women, you'll here them gossip, share deep secrets, talk about their stressors, and many more topics. They don't usually put as much emphasis on the doing as guys do.

When you are in a relationship, it is important to invest in your friendship. Since guys and girls do this very differently, it is important to remember that neither one is more effective than the other. Both ways are valid. It is helpful to take turns-sometimes spend time talking, and other times do a project together. That way each of you feels what you want is important. Make sure to do this regularly just as you would a friendship.

The second type of love is commitment love or a familial love. Often people who have been married for a very long time will feel very competent in this area. There are many ways to invest in a relationship and show your commitment to one another.

When you think of an example of family, consider a brother, sister, mother, father, etc. What do families do for each other? In healthy families, you are there for each other. There is an understanding that no matter what, you can count on the others. You may get into fights, but ultimately you will get over it and you will still be family.

Getting married is one way to show this. The act of standing in front of your friends and promising to be there for each other through thick and thin can feel very committing. However, there are other day to day things you can do to show commitment to one another. For example, checking in and asking your partner what they are doing before making your plans for the day. This can make your partner feel as though they are your first priority.

Other ways to show commitment are by being there for a person during rough times. A person who is non-committal usually leaves when times get rough. They don't stick it out. You can be there for a person after an argument by offering a hug or an apology. The very act of someone sticking around during and after a fight shows a great deal of commitment, because it could be just as easy to run out the door.

The third type of love is lust. Now lust seems to get a bad reputation in our world. Truth is, a great number of relationships in our culture are founded on a good deal of lust. Lust provides that sexy spark that is thrilling, exciting, enjoyable and just plain fun. Without lust, a friendship remains a friendship.

How does one invest in the lust in their relationship? You can do so by flirting, showing affection, talking about sex and what turns you on, dressing up and going out together, putting your best foot forward and trying to be a gentlemen or a lady, and many more ways. You can also do so by putting effort into keeping a healthy body-exercise, eating right, etc. The ultimate word to keep in mind it try. You may not always win when you try, but the very act of trying shows that you care.

In order to work on your own relationship, take a look at what makes you feel loved and what may be missing in your relationship. If there is an area that could use improvement, take initiative. Plan a date night is you need a little more lust. That includes getting the babysitter for the night. If you miss your friendship, find a hobby and spend some time on it together. Finally, if you need help, seek it. Everyone goes through rough times and it's better to do something about it than to see your relationship die.

Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focused in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, contact Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Back to Basics-Part II Kissing

Kissing is truly an art form. There are a variety of ways to kiss that can be both enticing, encouraging, loving, and connecting. Yet I repeatedly hear that my clients either barely kiss at all or if they do it is usually a only quick pecks. What is even more surprising is how many clients say they avoid kissing during sex. When I think about what gets people into the mood for sex, my automatic thought is foreplay. Kissing is a major aspect of foreplay.

What are the benefits of kissing? First off, there are not many people we are allowed to kiss in general. It is a special gift you share between the most intimate people in your life. Some people only will kiss their partners. So, if you have a person you can kiss, take advantage of it.

Secondly, kissing releases chemicals in the body (oxytocin) that help us to feel close and connected. There are nerve endings in the lips that fire when we kiss, especially when we kiss passionately. If you want more sex, you need more passionate kissing. Thirdly from a biological perspective, kissing may provide some protection against bacteria and infection. Your body develops immunity through exposure to each other’s germs.

How do you vamp up your kissing? Start by researching the types of kissing out there. There are different ways to vary things up. You can vary the pace, wetness, pressure, location (meaning both where in your environment and where on your body), and length of time.

Some people prefer long wet kisses with lots of tongue curling while other s prefer softer, delicate kisses with just a hint of tongue. There is no perfect way to kiss, but it is important to learn how to kiss in different ways that make both you and your partner feel good.

A fun game to learn with a partner is to play “Kiss me the way you like to be kissed.” In this game the first player kisses the second exactly how player one would prefer to be kissed. Player two will then mimic this kiss on their partner. Next you switch roles and repeat the exercise learning about player two’s favorite style of kiss.

If neither you, nor your partner knows what types of kisses you like, then do some experimentation. Start with a long peck while embracing. Next, try short, quick pecks around the neck or on the lips. Notice the difference and make a note of what you like.

When the tongue is added, start with a slow exploration of your partner’s mouth. Start out shallow and see how your partner responds. Explore their lips with your tongue. Some people bite very lightly on the bottom lip. If you choose to use your teeth, be careful and stick with nibbles rather than hard bites-unless your partner requests it or shows interest.

You can also explore their mouth deeper as the kissing progresses. Be careful not probe the mouth uncomfortably deep and leave room for breathing every now and again. About halfway into the mouth can be a pretty good depth. The tongues can roll across each other, or take on a light sucking. The best part is to mix things up-you don’t have to stay on one motion for the entire time.

Finally, find a way kiss daily whether or not sex is involved. Kissing improves intimacy and helps get the juices flowing. It also shows your partner you desire them.  

Angela Skurtu owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, contact 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

 

 

Back to Basics-Part 1 FLIRTING

After speaking with a number of couples about their mating rituals, I have decided it is important to discuss some of the very basics of seduction. Today, we focus on the art of flirting.
 
What have I noticed is that a great deal of long term couples neglect flirting, which is a very important aspect keeping to the spark alive. When sex begins to fall of the table, couples will argue with each other, avoid each other, blame each other, and even look for medical problems. I have said it before, no one wants to have sex with someone who is mean or bullying them.

Now granted, it is good to find out if you have medical problems, so I will encourage clients to check out hormone levels, dietary deficiencies, or medications that could be preventing desire.

Back to my original point, I find many couples will say they stopped flirting long ago-either because they don't need to, don't know how, or just expect that being married means you don't have to work for sex. This ideology is false and a contributor to sexless marriages.

What is flirting? Wikipedia explains that flirting involves verbal, written or body language that suggests a deeper interest in the other person. It goes on to say that most cultures do not find it socially acceptable to make sexual advances explicitly, so flirting is a means to indirectly make said advances.

Think about what makes flirting sexy. You are indirect. You are hinting at what you are thinking, but leaving the other person to guess and anticipate what may follow. I watch this terrible teenager show called Awkward. In a recent episode, a boy puts his hand on her arm. In her inner monologue, she asks all kinds of questions about his intentions. Does he like me? Is this me being silly? This is completely inappropriate-he knows I have a boyfriend. All the while, she is getting more and more turned on and having fantasies about him.

What makes flirting so exciting is the “not” knowing-The banter back and forth; the idea that sex is an option, but not necessarily going to happen. “I wasn’t trying to do anything.” Wink. This is why dating can be so thrilling. You have just met. Sex is not expectation necessarily, and you are free to be playful, sexy, and wild. 

If you and your partner have stopped flirting or if you never knew how, take some time to learn and practice together as a couple. You can do an internet search to find out about different flirting styles, you can watch movies to see how the actors do it, and you can watch people around you, strangers or friends, in your local bar, restaurant, or on your favorite date night.

Some more concrete examples of flirting include touch such as holding an embrace for a little longer than you would usually; placing a hand at the small of your partner’s back and moving your fingers in a delicate massage; pulling an eyelash off their face and staring deeply into their eyes. Other non-touch flirts include innuendo, playful banter, flirty texts that suggest sexual interests, compliments, etc. An example of a compliment that can also be suggestive might be, “That dress is driving me wild for you.”

Experiment with different styles until you get confident with your own flirting ability. There is no perfect way to flirt, but a lack of flirting is definitely a problem. It’s hard to go from the days responsibilities to jumping into bed naturally. Flirting is a means to create that natural progression and to get the juices flowing. So flirt away!


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist (Expected Dec. 2013). She owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that counsels couples and individuals. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.