Today, we will look at the next 4 principles in the "Good Enough Sex" model. For those just joining us, the "Good Enough Sex" model is a model for sexual health created by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. Last week we covered the first two principles. This model consists of 12 healthy sexual principles to guide couples creating their own sex lives.
Principle 3: Accurate, realistic and age appropriate physiological, psychological, relationships and sexual expectations are essential for sexual satisfaction (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
While this principle is a good one, it can be difficult for couples to really understand what is considered accurate and realistic. These days with the internet, a variety of people have opinions about what sex should and should not look like. To be honest, there aren't very accurate representations for healthy sexual models in the media.
First, I think of our sexual health as a building process. For example, the things you did sexually as a teenager can still be very enjoyable as an adult. However, if you are still having sex in the exact same way as you did as a teenager every time, you could probably use some growth.
Sexuality is always moving and growing. It is helpful for individuals to continue to try new things and learn things about each other as a partner team. You may have a typical thing you do in the bedroom that you both enjoy, but every now and then add something new to see what you enjoy. From trying new things, you begin to understand more about yourself as a sexual beings.
As far as being age appropriate, I think it can also be healthy to understand how desire will change for the majority of people over time. For men, they typically experience a sexual peak in their late teens to early twenties, and slowly lose desire over time. For women, there are peaks and valleys. It is very typical for a woman's desire to plummet right after having children.
Understanding these differences can help couples to be more open and respectful of differences when they go through them.
Principle 4: Good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health. Each individual values, respects, and affirms his/her partner's sexual body (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The healthier you are as a person, the healthier you will be sexually. Sex requires your muscles to be in working order. People who maintain healthy lifestyles and stay in a healthy weight range will be able to enjoy their sexual lives much better than those people who are regular drinkers and smokers, or people who are obese. In general, take care of yourself if you want a good sex life long term.
In addition, it is still important to be respectful and loving towards your partner's body even if they are trying to lose weight. Women need their partner to tell them they are beautiful and men need their partner to find them handsome. You can affirm someone through words and actions. Rude or rough criticism helps no one.
Principle 5: Relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Relaxation is a primary requirement for individuals to enjoy sex. If you have ever been anxious or uncomfortable during sex, then you already know how difficult this makes it to truly enjoy what you are doing. For couples this involves setting a mood such as lighting candles, getting a babysitter, and just sitting down to talk. For others it may involve getting a couples massage or massaging each other. Whatever helps, take the time to relax.
Principle 6: Pleasure is as important as function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This final principle for today is an important one that many people struggle with. It you have ever had a function problem such as erectile disorder or orgasmic disorder, it makes it difficult to stay present or enjoy the moment. The challenge is that couples can enjoy sex whether or not they are perfectly functioning.
I encourage couples to make the most of every sexual encounter no matter how perfect or imperfect it turns out. Come into the experience with an attitude of, "I am going to enjoy whatever we do." Focus more on the pleasure and the function tends to come along for the ride.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
What is healthy sex? Part 1
For the next few weeks, I am going to introduce an old model of sexual health called the Good Enough Sex Model by Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz. This model is extremely valuable in that it helps couples to develop a clearer understanding for what good sex can look like. It involves 12 principles for healthy sex.
Principle 1: Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long term comfort, intimacy, pleasure, and confidence. Eroticism is an intentional feature and the responsibility of each partner (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
For many couples, when their sex life goes, their relationship happiness goes. I have seen countless couples who struggle to find a middle ground regarding good sex. A good sex life does promote a connectedness like no other.
A key piece of information here is the part discussing eroticism. Couples who experience a good sex life intentionally make eroticism a part of their lives. Both parties are responsible for making things happen.
This may look different depending on which partner is trying to create the eroticism. For example, a woman who is trying to be erotic may try on new nighties and dress sexy for her husband. She may also try to come up with new ideas like bringing sex toys into the bedroom. A man may try to be erotic by sharing taboo fantasies, suggesting more oral sex, or just being more crass when he flirts with his partner.
There is not a perfect way to be erotic. It is just important to develop an openness to trying. It helps when couples have an attitude of "I'll try it once and see what happens." That openness to trying new things allows couples to explore a variety of sexual and erotic ideas. It doesn't mean you will continue to do everything you try. In fact, it is good to negotiate with your partner and be honest if something really doesn't work for you. However, that openness helps couples feel valued by their partner and helps couples develop a more interesting and fun sex life.
Principle 2: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an "intimate team" and together promote a vibrant balance of emotional intimacy and eroticism (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Couples who have good sex lives also have good relationships. As an "intimate team," couples do need a balance of intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy can include: 1) talking about deep conversations and light conversations; 2) Regularly spending time alone together with dates or hobbies; 3) Affection that is non-sexual or lightly sexual in nature such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Eroticism can include: 1) dirty talk or flirting; 2) Affection that is more sexual in nature such as French kissing or touching genitals; 3) Sex in general.
Couples need a good balance of both eroticism and intimacy. If sex is always erotic with no intimacy, many individuals report it feels like sex is all they are good for. I had one client say, "I feel like a prostitute to him." It is never a good thing for couples to ONLY touch each other when sex is involved. Sometimes, partners need touch for comfort or to feel connected with no strings attached.
At the same time, if the relationship is always focused on the intimacy side of things, couples begin to feel more like friends or roommates. If all touch is non-sexual, it can feel as though your partner is not attracted to you. It's important to create a healthy balance of both eroticism and intimacy.
We will discuss the next 10 principles over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.
Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the owner a private practice St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 1: Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long term comfort, intimacy, pleasure, and confidence. Eroticism is an intentional feature and the responsibility of each partner (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
For many couples, when their sex life goes, their relationship happiness goes. I have seen countless couples who struggle to find a middle ground regarding good sex. A good sex life does promote a connectedness like no other.
A key piece of information here is the part discussing eroticism. Couples who experience a good sex life intentionally make eroticism a part of their lives. Both parties are responsible for making things happen.
This may look different depending on which partner is trying to create the eroticism. For example, a woman who is trying to be erotic may try on new nighties and dress sexy for her husband. She may also try to come up with new ideas like bringing sex toys into the bedroom. A man may try to be erotic by sharing taboo fantasies, suggesting more oral sex, or just being more crass when he flirts with his partner.
There is not a perfect way to be erotic. It is just important to develop an openness to trying. It helps when couples have an attitude of "I'll try it once and see what happens." That openness to trying new things allows couples to explore a variety of sexual and erotic ideas. It doesn't mean you will continue to do everything you try. In fact, it is good to negotiate with your partner and be honest if something really doesn't work for you. However, that openness helps couples feel valued by their partner and helps couples develop a more interesting and fun sex life.
Principle 2: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an "intimate team" and together promote a vibrant balance of emotional intimacy and eroticism (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Couples who have good sex lives also have good relationships. As an "intimate team," couples do need a balance of intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy can include: 1) talking about deep conversations and light conversations; 2) Regularly spending time alone together with dates or hobbies; 3) Affection that is non-sexual or lightly sexual in nature such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Eroticism can include: 1) dirty talk or flirting; 2) Affection that is more sexual in nature such as French kissing or touching genitals; 3) Sex in general.
Couples need a good balance of both eroticism and intimacy. If sex is always erotic with no intimacy, many individuals report it feels like sex is all they are good for. I had one client say, "I feel like a prostitute to him." It is never a good thing for couples to ONLY touch each other when sex is involved. Sometimes, partners need touch for comfort or to feel connected with no strings attached.
At the same time, if the relationship is always focused on the intimacy side of things, couples begin to feel more like friends or roommates. If all touch is non-sexual, it can feel as though your partner is not attracted to you. It's important to create a healthy balance of both eroticism and intimacy.
We will discuss the next 10 principles over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.
Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the owner a private practice St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, April 4, 2014
How to Give a Girl Oral Sex Part 2
Today, I would like to add a few suggestions to last week's post about giving a girl oral sex. In addition to focusing on a girl's clitoris, there are several ways to spice up oral sex that include other touches, movements or kisses.
Women tend to like to feel connected to their partner. While you are giving oral sex with your mouth, you can use your hands to touch other parts of her. For example, you can be rubbing your hands up and down her legs either softly or roughly depending on what she responds mostly too. Some girls also enjoy when your hands are touching her butt or tickling her butt.
You can also roam your hands up and softly caress her breasts. Some women may enjoy it if you squeeze or pinch the nipples. Other women are sensitive to this type of touch and prefer softer grazing touches. Other women may be initially sensitive, but enjoy getting their nipples squeezed while they orgasm. A unique thing about body parts is that depending on how aroused you are, the way you are touched can feel different. You may want to try a touch again after you have engaged in some foreplay to see if the feeling has changed.
Keep the discussion open with your partner for what she enjoys the most. It helps to discuss after sex what she enjoyed most so you remember it for next time. However, remember to give some time to bask in the moment before discussing the dos and don'ts. The end of sex includes the time it takes to come down from the high or euphoria after sex.
Talking during oral sex can be a real turn on as well. For example, you may take a break every now and then, look up at her with loving eyes, and tell her she is beautiful or sexy. Then go back down on her and start kissing her vagina again.
You can also spice things up by inserting a finger or two or three inside her vagina while licking her clitoris. The come hither motion is the most popular one which involves inserting two fingers with the palm of your hand facing up toward the ceiling. The two fingers move upward at the same time in a circular motion. Other finger movements include one finger in circling to touch different areas inside the vagina.
Feel free to switch up when you are kissing the vagina and when you are using your fingers. It feels good to use a variety of motions. As always, check in with your girl to see if she is enjoying what you are doing. Every woman is different.
Other variations can include the 69 in which each of your genitals are touching each other's mouths. Usually this is done with the girl on top sitting on the other person's face. Some women really enjoy this because they can both give and receive oral pleasure. Other's like it when oral sex is given in turns so each person can feel like the priority. I think it is good to have a combination of both.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. For more information or to make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Women tend to like to feel connected to their partner. While you are giving oral sex with your mouth, you can use your hands to touch other parts of her. For example, you can be rubbing your hands up and down her legs either softly or roughly depending on what she responds mostly too. Some girls also enjoy when your hands are touching her butt or tickling her butt.
You can also roam your hands up and softly caress her breasts. Some women may enjoy it if you squeeze or pinch the nipples. Other women are sensitive to this type of touch and prefer softer grazing touches. Other women may be initially sensitive, but enjoy getting their nipples squeezed while they orgasm. A unique thing about body parts is that depending on how aroused you are, the way you are touched can feel different. You may want to try a touch again after you have engaged in some foreplay to see if the feeling has changed.
Keep the discussion open with your partner for what she enjoys the most. It helps to discuss after sex what she enjoyed most so you remember it for next time. However, remember to give some time to bask in the moment before discussing the dos and don'ts. The end of sex includes the time it takes to come down from the high or euphoria after sex.
Talking during oral sex can be a real turn on as well. For example, you may take a break every now and then, look up at her with loving eyes, and tell her she is beautiful or sexy. Then go back down on her and start kissing her vagina again.
You can also spice things up by inserting a finger or two or three inside her vagina while licking her clitoris. The come hither motion is the most popular one which involves inserting two fingers with the palm of your hand facing up toward the ceiling. The two fingers move upward at the same time in a circular motion. Other finger movements include one finger in circling to touch different areas inside the vagina.
Feel free to switch up when you are kissing the vagina and when you are using your fingers. It feels good to use a variety of motions. As always, check in with your girl to see if she is enjoying what you are doing. Every woman is different.
Other variations can include the 69 in which each of your genitals are touching each other's mouths. Usually this is done with the girl on top sitting on the other person's face. Some women really enjoy this because they can both give and receive oral pleasure. Other's like it when oral sex is given in turns so each person can feel like the priority. I think it is good to have a combination of both.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. For more information or to make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
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