Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 2

In the interest of taking a middle ground approach, I’d like to explore some pros and cons of polyamory as it relates to monogamy. The first pro is that polyamorists are expected to negotiate. Many have long conversations about what their expectations are going into the situation. Often there are agreed upon rules that may change over time. The key is to keep an open dialogue and be willing to work through jealousy or hurt feelings. A good resource for doing this is the 12 Pillars of Polyamory.

Several monogamists struggle with negotiation or even setting clear expectations with one another. Monogamists often feel caught between not wanting to appear jealous, and feeling madly jealous when their partner crosses some unspoken line such as flirting with another girl even if “nothing happened.” For monogamists, it could be helpful to have more spoken rules about where the boundaries lie.

I once had a client who switched from an open relationship to a closed relationship say to me, “At least in the open relationship, we openly discussed boundaries with outside relationships. Now, there is just tension when someone does it but no one says anything.”

To be clearer, a good start is to have a dialogue about boundaries in relationships whether you are in an open or closed relationship. Discuss what touch is okay such as hugs, kisses on the cheek, etc. Also discuss what types of touch are not okay such as lingering touch at the small of the back or a hand on a leg. Other boundaries to discuss include the difference between what is playful flirting, and when it feels like flirting crosses the line.

In an open relationship, when someone finds another person attractive, they discuss it and whether or not to pursue a relationship. In a closed relationship, it may be helpful to discuss how to handle a situation like this appropriately. It is natural to find others attractive. However, your partner may wish for you to avoid a person who you are attracted to in order to build trust. Contrarily, some other monogamous partner might say, you don’t need to avoid them, but make it clear to the other party that nothing will happen. 

Tune in next week for Part 3 of the Polyamory series.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist working in the St. Louis area. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com. 

Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 1.

With the expectations that everyone is telling the truth and sticking to set boundaries, polyamory could in fact be an ideal situation. Partners are both encouraged to explore their sexual interests and to even pursue other relationships. For couples who feel the spark is missing, but still feel a real close connection as parents, or family, this can seem like one viable route to taking care of the need for new and interesting sexual experiences.

In an ideal polyamory setting, the couple is completely honest with each other and set clear boundaries for what is acceptable and unacceptable in their relationship. This includes being clear about who they are dating, when they are feeling the outside relationship is becoming more than play partners, but lovers, and being clear about when they have conflicting needs. The idea is that when you are jealous or hurt by something from your partner, you work it out. You sort out differences, listen, respect each other, and find ways to compromise.

The ultimate goal would be to work through jealousy, keep an open contract, and be willing to negotiate throughout the relationship to take care of all parties. One example of a time to negotiate would be when adding in a new partner. Perhaps the couple already sees couples together, but would like the opportunity to have an individual relationship that is not shared. In a situation like this, the couple would discuss both sides, possibly try it out, but be willing to make compromises if it caused some difficulty in the relationship.

While polyamory seems to be the perfect solution, trouble does occur. I have seen countless couples who angrily discuss how their needs are not met, their partner doesn't show love or respect, and they never compromise about anything. Sometimes, a polyamorous relationship makes this more difficult as now you are expected to consider those same emotional needs from a whole new set of parties. Thus divided loyalties ensue, and what is meant to be a helpful solution can sometimes turn into a much more complicated mess.

In the next couple of blogs, I will present a few pros and cons of each life style-monogamy and polyamory with the hope that couples can make the best decision for themselves. 

To make an appointment, please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

What does healthy sex look like? Part 2.

To continue, another factor in healthy sexuality is shared values. Both people involved have discussed what they enjoy and have agreed upon what sexual acts they will engage in as a group. This is often a work in progress as people change across time. Sexual interests and desires change. The expectation is that couples bring up these changes and discuss ways they can either incorporate new sexual ideas or compromises they are willing to make.

Another important factor is non-exploitation. Sex should not be used as a punishment or means for manipulation. For example, if one person is not in the mood, they can ask to wait for sex, and their partner will not punish them by being mean, ignoring them, or basically making life miserable. However, it is common for people to feel rejected, and it is okay to express hurt or disappointment. The key idea here is that being hurt is NOT a justification for rude behavior.

Other factors to consider with sexual exploitation include prison populations or people in one-down relationships. A prisoner cannot consent to sex with a prison guard because the nature of the relationship is exploitative. In a similar vein, therapists are not to have sex with clients and teachers are not supposed to have sex with students because there is a power dynamic that prevents clear consent. 

Another important factor in healthy sexuality is mutual pleasure. Both parties are enjoying the act even if their goals are different. For example, a woman may have sex to feel close to her partner, while her partner may be having sex because he likes the feeling of orgasm. Both goals are fine as long as each person is enjoying the experience.

Finally, both parties are protected from any unwanted pregnancy or STDs. Other than these above factors, most sex acts in between are perfectly fine. Sexuality is a gift that can be embraced and enjoyed. It does not matter whether a person has a strange fetish, or weird sexual interest. These days, the internet is providing a great opportunity for people with unique sexual interests to find one another. Ultimately, do what makes you happy within the context of healthy sexuality. If you are not sure, do some research or talk to a sex therapist to learn more about healthy sex.

To make an appointment, contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.