Several clients tell me they lack confidence in general, but more specifically sexual confidence. This can be very challenging because it leads to behaviors that can inhibit sex. Examples include 1) Keeping your clothes on during sex because you are insecure about your looks; 2) Avoiding bringing up a secret fantasy such as an interest in using sex toys; 3) An inability to tell your partner what you like in the moment. These example can lead couples to feel like they don't know their partner very well.
Confidence is a challenging issue because of where confidence comes from. You have to have a combination of internal belief in yourself as a worthy person and external validation from others that you are a worthy person.
First look inward. What self-talk is going on in your head? Are the things you say kind or very mean? My guess is that it is negative self talk such as 1) "You were so stupid just then!" 2) "Why should I even ask? Nobody will listen," 3) "I hate it when he sees my breasts! They are so ugly!"
When you recognize the negative self talk, practice replacing those words with positive or neutral self talk. Practice saying these things even if you don't believe it at first. Over time, you can begin to develop more self confidence. Examples 1) "My breasts are beautiful." 2) "My opinion can be helpful." 3) "I am smart."
Second, change your stance. Typically, people who lack confidence also stand and sit in positions that show powerlessness. You can use Power Poses to help yourself physically feel confident. Standing in very commanding positions that take up space for periods of time throughout the day helps people feel confident over time. Example: Stand like Wonder Woman for 5 minutes daily.
Third, change your appearance. When people feel down, they typically dress the part-wearing sweats, putting hair into a pony tail, etc. When you have your worst days, practice dressing for success. Put your best outfit on. Wear makeup. Every time you look in the mirror, you will feel better because you look good.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Is it OKAY to Fantasize about Someone Else during Sex with your Partner?
The answer to this question is "sure, to an extent." First off, it is common for people to think about a variety of things during sex. You may think of a sexy video or TV scene you watched. You may think of a recent excerpt of a book that turned you on. You may imagine your partner as the actor in the video doing those sexy things to you or you may close your eyes and imagine the actor/actress is your partner.
In general, fantasies that stay fantasies don't cause any trouble. Use them wisely because they can help you achieve orgasm in an otherwise mundane sexual experience. But understand that just because you have a fantasy, doesn't mean it will come to fruition. For example, many people fantasize about group sex or sex with more than one partner. While this may happen for some polyamorous couples, a good number of people will remain monogamous. It is important to respect and understand your partner's limits.
In order delve further into this topic, let's discuss open communication versus closed communication. Some people are more open about their fantasies than others. For example, if your partner is very reactive to seemingly benign sexual fantasies shared, it may not be a good idea to share that you sometimes fantasize about the actress from True Blood during orgasm. I would take your cues about whether to share from your partner. If they are open to discuss deep fantasies, then it is fine to talk about them. In some cases, it can be a great experience to reassure one another that you both fantasize about dirty perverted things.
One thing I would warn people about is fantasizing too much or too often about the same thing. For example, say you start to fantasize about your neighbor. For a good month, they are the only person you fantasize about during sex. The challenge here is that any time we focus our mind solely on one fantasy, we close ourselves off to the variety of sexual options out there. In some cases, individuals get to a point where they can't even orgasm without that particular situation, fantasy or fetish. This can feel very limiting to both you and your partner.
In addition, thinking solely about that one person who is not your partner opens the door to potential infidelities. It's similar to when an athlete spends a lot of time visualizing the track he is about to run. He goes over the different hurdles, he plans his attack, and he imagines the features of the course. This prepares him to run his race well and is its own form of mental training.
When you keep your mind focused solely on one person that is potentially someone you could cheat on your partner with, in a way, it is training your mind in how you would do that. A good number of people who did cheat reported they had fantasized about the other person before engaging in the relationship.
Does this mean you can never fantasize about another person? No. Like I said before, it is common for people to imagine a variety of people, places and things in fantasy land. What's important it that any fantasy should be a piece of the puzzle, not the entire puzzle.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focusing in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
In general, fantasies that stay fantasies don't cause any trouble. Use them wisely because they can help you achieve orgasm in an otherwise mundane sexual experience. But understand that just because you have a fantasy, doesn't mean it will come to fruition. For example, many people fantasize about group sex or sex with more than one partner. While this may happen for some polyamorous couples, a good number of people will remain monogamous. It is important to respect and understand your partner's limits.
In order delve further into this topic, let's discuss open communication versus closed communication. Some people are more open about their fantasies than others. For example, if your partner is very reactive to seemingly benign sexual fantasies shared, it may not be a good idea to share that you sometimes fantasize about the actress from True Blood during orgasm. I would take your cues about whether to share from your partner. If they are open to discuss deep fantasies, then it is fine to talk about them. In some cases, it can be a great experience to reassure one another that you both fantasize about dirty perverted things.
One thing I would warn people about is fantasizing too much or too often about the same thing. For example, say you start to fantasize about your neighbor. For a good month, they are the only person you fantasize about during sex. The challenge here is that any time we focus our mind solely on one fantasy, we close ourselves off to the variety of sexual options out there. In some cases, individuals get to a point where they can't even orgasm without that particular situation, fantasy or fetish. This can feel very limiting to both you and your partner.
In addition, thinking solely about that one person who is not your partner opens the door to potential infidelities. It's similar to when an athlete spends a lot of time visualizing the track he is about to run. He goes over the different hurdles, he plans his attack, and he imagines the features of the course. This prepares him to run his race well and is its own form of mental training.
When you keep your mind focused solely on one person that is potentially someone you could cheat on your partner with, in a way, it is training your mind in how you would do that. A good number of people who did cheat reported they had fantasized about the other person before engaging in the relationship.
Does this mean you can never fantasize about another person? No. Like I said before, it is common for people to imagine a variety of people, places and things in fantasy land. What's important it that any fantasy should be a piece of the puzzle, not the entire puzzle.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focusing in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Sexual Fetishes-Opening Up Ideas with your Partner
A lot of people have fetishes for different things. For example, ever since "50 Shades of Grey," came out, a lot of women have told me they are interested in a man being dominant with them in the bedroom. Now granted, not every woman is interested in dating a jerk like the main character Mr. Grey-how shall I say-serious commitment issues!
So how do you bring up the idea of dominance or any other fetish with your partner in a palatable way? For starters, if you liked a scene in that book or any other book for that matter, ask your partner to read that small clip. Once he or she has read it, have a discussion about what specifically you liked in that segment.
What you will find is that you and your partner will likely be drawn to different segments of the scene. Don't despair! Just learn about your differences and point out the specific things you like about it. Then have a conversation about what pieces you could try in the bedroom. If your partner is willing, that is a great step!
Next, practice it a few times. Do not expect it to go perfectly the first few times you try it! In fact, expect it to go completely different and even screw up a little bit. Be willing to laugh and learn. Just like when you first rode a bicycle, you didn't magically ride it perfectly with no mistakes. You fumbled a little, you might have scraped your knee even. Respect the process and you will get much better at it.
Over time, you will get better at adding this idea and others. And finally, remember that any fetish should be a piece of the sexual cake, not the entire cake. Everyone needs variety and it gets old if every time you have sex there is only one way to do so. Enjoy!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com to make an appointment.
So how do you bring up the idea of dominance or any other fetish with your partner in a palatable way? For starters, if you liked a scene in that book or any other book for that matter, ask your partner to read that small clip. Once he or she has read it, have a discussion about what specifically you liked in that segment.
What you will find is that you and your partner will likely be drawn to different segments of the scene. Don't despair! Just learn about your differences and point out the specific things you like about it. Then have a conversation about what pieces you could try in the bedroom. If your partner is willing, that is a great step!
Next, practice it a few times. Do not expect it to go perfectly the first few times you try it! In fact, expect it to go completely different and even screw up a little bit. Be willing to laugh and learn. Just like when you first rode a bicycle, you didn't magically ride it perfectly with no mistakes. You fumbled a little, you might have scraped your knee even. Respect the process and you will get much better at it.
Over time, you will get better at adding this idea and others. And finally, remember that any fetish should be a piece of the sexual cake, not the entire cake. Everyone needs variety and it gets old if every time you have sex there is only one way to do so. Enjoy!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com to make an appointment.
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