The answer to this question is "sure, to an extent." First off, it is common for people to think about a variety of things during sex. You may think of a sexy video or TV scene you watched. You may think of a recent excerpt of a book that turned you on. You may imagine your partner as the actor in the video doing those sexy things to you or you may close your eyes and imagine the actor/actress is your partner.
In general, fantasies that stay fantasies don't cause any trouble. Use them wisely because they can help you achieve orgasm in an otherwise mundane sexual experience. But understand that just because you have a fantasy, doesn't mean it will come to fruition. For example, many people fantasize about group sex or sex with more than one partner. While this may happen for some polyamorous couples, a good number of people will remain monogamous. It is important to respect and understand your partner's limits.
In order delve further into this topic, let's discuss open communication versus closed communication. Some people are more open about their fantasies than others. For example, if your partner is very reactive to seemingly benign sexual fantasies shared, it may not be a good idea to share that you sometimes fantasize about the actress from True Blood during orgasm. I would take your cues about whether to share from your partner. If they are open to discuss deep fantasies, then it is fine to talk about them. In some cases, it can be a great experience to reassure one another that you both fantasize about dirty perverted things.
One thing I would warn people about is fantasizing too much or too often about the same thing. For example, say you start to fantasize about your neighbor. For a good month, they are the only person you fantasize about during sex. The challenge here is that any time we focus our mind solely on one fantasy, we close ourselves off to the variety of sexual options out there. In some cases, individuals get to a point where they can't even orgasm without that particular situation, fantasy or fetish. This can feel very limiting to both you and your partner.
In addition, thinking solely about that one person who is not your partner opens the door to potential infidelities. It's similar to when an athlete spends a lot of time visualizing the track he is about to run. He goes over the different hurdles, he plans his attack, and he imagines the features of the course. This prepares him to run his race well and is its own form of mental training.
When you keep your mind focused solely on one person that is potentially someone you could cheat on your partner with, in a way, it is training your mind in how you would do that. A good number of people who did cheat reported they had fantasized about the other person before engaging in the relationship.
Does this mean you can never fantasize about another person? No. Like I said before, it is common for people to imagine a variety of people, places and things in fantasy land. What's important it that any fantasy should be a piece of the puzzle, not the entire puzzle.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focusing in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
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