Your Ultimate Guide to Sex Toys

Have you ever struggles with how to purchase a sex toy? Many people go into a sex store feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the variety. In this video, I cover different types of sex toys you can purchase to learn more about what would fit your needs. Please subscribe, share and comment if you find this helpful!

Communication Styles In Relationships

For anyone who has ever struggled to have a successful conversation with their partner, you are not alone. In this video, I cover a few specific challenges that couples have when they try to talk through a conflict. It may be the way you each process information that affects your ability to hear and understand each other. Subscribe to my youtube channel for weekly relationship tips.

Can couples survive infidelity?

The big news of this week is about Mohammad Ali’s death on June 3, 2016. It was a well known fact about Ali that he cheated multiple times on his wives. He was very famous, had many women interested in him, and often engaged in one night stands with these women.

However, infidelity is not solely a challenge for very successful men and women. While it is understood in our culture that people in positions of high power, high wealth, or high popularity will likely cheat, the infidelity rates for the common person are also staggering. 57% of men and 54% of women admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they have had. Researchers know that people are not always honest about their actions so the numbers may be higher.
 

Why do so many people cheat? Is it possible to be fully monogamous in a relationship or are we kidding ourselves? What is it that couples are doing to prevent cheating in their relationships? As a Couples Therapist, I find myself in the trenches daily helping couples work through the aftermath of an affair. It is long, excruciating, and painful work for the couple to do and yet half of my practice is focused on guiding couples through this crisis.
 

Right after a person finds out about their partner’s infidelity, they experience a wide range of emotions-pain, anger, fear of losing their partner, confusion, jealousy, shock and even numbness. They feel lost, deceived, and alone.
 

The unfaithful partner experiences a similar range of emotions. They sometimes feel confused, anxious they could lose their partner, ashamed and guilty for the choices they made, angry, bitter, and disillusioned. I tell all my clients to expect to feel like they are riding a roller coaster of emotion over the next several months with extreme highs and extreme lows.
 

The difficulty is that many people feel as though they need to take action when they feel these extreme emotions. In response to anxiety about losing their partner, they may find themselves spending every minute they can together. In response to feeling confused, they may find themselves questioning the actions taken during the affair relentlessly. In response to anger, they may find themselves seeking revenge. Who hasn’t heard a story of someone who violently assaulted the lover of a partner at some point?
 

Why are couples choosing to work at it? Somewhere deep down, I think many people understand that an affair is not a full relationship. You only get the good parts-great sex, positive time together, and no responsibilities. In an affair, you don’t see how the other person handles chores or child rearing. You don’t really have to engage much in the day to day grind or as I refer to it in my book Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians, “The Business of Relationships.”
 

When the infidelity is found out, many unfaithful partners reevaluate the choice they made and often decide to stay and work on their marriage. According to Peggy Vaughan, a San Diego researcher, 67% of people whose spouses committed an affair were still married and living together. This is a stark contrast to the old belief that if someone has an affair, it means the end of the relationship.

If your relationship has recently suffered from an affair, you are not alone, but the road to recovery is a long and difficult one. Many of the couples I help work for years to rebuild the trust lost from the infidelity. That’s only one part of the rebuilding process. Couples also have to rebuild their sex lives, improve the quality of their relationship, and sort through the various mixed emotions without making the situation worse for each other.
 

If you are trying to figure out whether to work through an affair with you partner, a good first step is to seek help from a counselor in your area. It is not an easy task, but many couples who work through infidelity can find a way to improve their relationship.

Angela Skurtu is the author of the book, Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians. She is a speaker, author, couples and sex therapist. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit angelaskurtu@gmail.com.

Power Dynamics in Sexual Relationships

One part of our sex life is power roles. If you take a closer look at your relationship to sex, you will likely recognize that you tend to play a certain role in the power structure of sex. At the very basic level there is the dominant role and the submissive role. To be clear, I am not referring to Kink lifestyles here. In basic vanilla relationships, you can see a basic power dynamic of some partners who tend to be more submissive and some who tend to be more dominant. You can also find people who are comfortable in both roles.

People who prefer the dominant role tend to call more of the shots during the sexual interactions. These people tend to initiate sex more and generally lead the show while sex occurs. This person will suggest different positions, guide their partner through the kissing and touching, and be more assertive about what steps they will take to move through the sexual act. A person who is dominant in the bedroom does not necessarily have to be dominant life.
 

People who take more of a submissive role will usually not initiate sex as much as a dominant partner would. They will respond to their partner’s advances for sex, but they generally don’t prefer to take the lead. They take a “go with the flow” approach to sex. They are generally open to their partner’s suggestions and like to be guided along. Just as in the case with the dominants, a person who is submissive in the bedroom does not necessarily have to be submissive in life.
 

Also, in each case, a person can move out of either a submissive or dominant role at times. For example, a submissive may initiate sex with their partner and even suggest a few ideas here and there. The same is true for a dominant. They may go along for the ride with their partner at times. To be titled the submissive or the dominant simply means that as a sexual person, you tend to prefer one or the other more. There are also plenty of people who might identify as right in the middle-equally enjoying both the dominant and submissive roles.
 

Typically, if you have one dominant and one submissive, things tend to run smoothly as long as each partner is happy with the frequency and quality of their sex life. The same is true for 2 submissives or 2 dominants—so long as they can be flexible and practice regularly stepping out of their typical role.

How do these roles negatively affect a person’s sex life? Consider two submissives in a relationship. If both people prefer the other person to initiate more and take the lead, a variety of things can happen. In one common example, couples stop having sex altogether. They both keep waiting for the other person to try, nothing happens, and they feel rejected.
 

In another example, one submissive may take on more of the dominant role, but feel very bitter about it. They feel bitter because it’s not easy for them to take on the dominant role and they feel like they are the only one putting effort into the sexual relationship. The other submissive will usually go along with the sex they have, but will not understand why their partner gets so angry about initiating all the time.
 

In yet another example, sometimes a person has mainly been in relationships with dominants and their current partner is a submissive. I have talked to many couples in this situation. Often they describe their partner as weird or “not normal.” The reality is that both roles are very normal and both roles are not gender specific. While males may typically play the dominant role, there are plenty of men who prefer the submissive role. While females may typically play the submissive role, plenty of women enjoy taking a more dominant role as well.
 

There can sometimes be problems with two dominants in a relationship, but this depends on each of their flexibility as people. For example, if they are both willing to flexibly move in and out of dominant and submissive roles, they’ll find ways to take turns and probably still get along. However, if they are stubborn, then it may feel uncomfortable to not be in control. They may struggle to let the other person take the lead.
 

In any case, knowing your typical sexual power role can be helpful in determining whether you are sexually compatible with your partner. In cases where couples can’t seem to put their finger on the problem, when I discuss power dynamics, there is often mismatched power roles at play. Which power role do you feel most comfortable in?

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is author of the book "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." She is also a speaker, couples therapist and sex therapist. To make an appointment, visit www.Therapistinstlouis.com or call 314-973-7997.

Why Sex is a Difficult Topic for People

Many American adults do NOT know how to talk about sex in a productive way. I think this happens for a variety of reasons. One, Americans are often educated using abstinence only education or consequence only education.

Abstinence only education encourages individuals to wait to have sex until marriage. It often does not cover the use of condoms or birth control. Abstinence Plus education may still encourage people to wait for marriage, but it at least covers the use of condoms and birth control. It gives very little information about what to do if you are interested in having sex such as how to consent to sex, how to negotiate for your needs, or how to enjoy sex.
 

I consider both forms of education to be “consequence only” education because it only covers the negative consequences people will experience should they have sex before marriage. While comprehensive sex education does exist, this is not the most commonly used education across the country.
 

Another reason Americans struggle to talk about sex is that their primary educators tend to be friends or porn. While some people did have parents who tried to educate them about sex, the vast majority of my clients had to learn by picking up pieces here and there. So friends and porn helped them learn how to have sex, but it still didn’t teach them how to have a healthy conversation.

Just think about one common theme in porn-the girl who doesn’t want to have sex initially but then gives in. If you learned about sex by watching this type of porn, you may have the assumption that if you pressure a girl enough, she will want to have sex with you. If you look at my clients who have sex starved marriages, the one statement every female in the relationship says is that she feels “pressured” to have sex by her partner.
 

America does not even rank in the top 12 countries for sexual satisfaction rates. We also have high rates of STDs and high rates of teenage pregnancy compared to other first world countries.

If we want to learn how to talk about sex, we need to start talking about sex comfortably at younger ages. We, as a country, need to offer more comprehensive sex education to children so they learn how to talk about sex in more effective ways. Even if your school system doesn’t offer this education, you need to talk more directly with your kids about sex so they learn how to understand and respect it.
 

If you are an adult who has yet to learn what you need to know about sex, you are not alone. Many of the adults I see in sex therapy struggle to feel confident about who they are as a sexual person. When I run my adult sex education seminars, one of the most common questions I hear tends to be, “Am I normal?” Individuals will state some unique desire or sexual interest they have, and then ask if that is normal.
 

Often, the answer is yes. For example: 1) if you like to masturbate, you are normal; 2) if you fantasize while having sex, you are normal; 3) if you like having sex in various positions, you are normal; 4) if you want to try using a sex toy, you are normal; 5) if you have ever thought getting a spanking might be sexy, you are normal. I can’t answer every question here, but the answer is often NORMAL!
 

If you care about this topic or just want to get more comfortable talking about sex, here are a few books that can help you as an adult learn and grow. “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Robie Harris; “The Guide to Getting it On,” by Paul Joannides; “Sexual Intelligence,” by Marti Klein. If these books start you on a long journey to educate yourself, visit the AASECT website for other suggested books and materials. You deserve to be a confident and healthy sexual individual regardless of how you were raised!

Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of "Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians." To contact her, call 314-973-7997 or email her at angelaskurtu@gmail.com.

How to talk about sex

A big part of my job as a sex therapist is to teach couples how to talk about sex. The couples I typically see either fight with each other about sex, criticize each other about sex, or avoid talking about sex. Each of these methods has a similar outcome-the couples are unhappy with their sex life. Couples need to learn how to negotiate to get their needs and desires met with one another in a positive and respectful way.  

To better understand how to talk about sex, couples can learn about the 5 negotiation styles-competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. The competing style involves winning at all costs. A person who takes a “my way or the highway” approach is using this style. The problem with using this style in sex is that only one person may end up happy at the expense of the other. Over time, this will lead to either lower sexual desire or resentment in the person who constantly feels like they are losing.

The avoiding style of negotiation can also be difficult, because no one brings up the problem. Couples in this situation either stay unhappy with their sex life for long periods of time or find ways to resolve the problem on their own for good or bad. An affair is one example of how a person may try to resolve the issue on their own, but this “resolution” obviously comes with some very challenging consequences.

The other three negotiation styles accommodating, compromising, and collaborative can be more helpful styles to use when negotiating for a more positive sex life depending on the situation.

For example, an accommodating style of negotiation is when one partner will give a win to the other person. In the movie Star Wars, R2D2 is playing a game with Chewbacca. Chewbacca gets angry when R2D2 makes a winning move. After further discussion with Han Solo, C3PO advises R2D2 to, “Let the wookie win.”

Sometimes in sex, it can also be helpful to “let the wookie win” especially if you don’t care much about the outcome. For example, one partner may say, “It would be nice if we could make out for a bit before getting into sex.” If making out sounds like a fun start or it doesn’t bother you, go along with it. “Sounds good! Whatever makes you happy!” In another example, one person may prefer to be on top during sex. If you really don’t care whether you are on top or bottom (or in some other unique position), then go with it.

The compromising style of negotiation can also be a very effective way to address sexual needs especially if you are not on the same page with your partner. The compromising style involves a half-win and a half-lose. Each person gets a little and gives a little. One example of how this works is if one partner is interested in sex while the other partner is not. “I am not feeling it tonight, babe, but what do you say we start tomorrow with a romp in the sheets. I’ll be well rested and ready to go!” In this situation, both have to give a little to make things work. In another example, one partner wants to have sex every day while the other partner wants to have sex once weekly. The compromise may involve 2 sex days and one wild card day or 3 sex days with the higher desire partner masturbating more on off days. Either way, the couple will need to come up with a middle ground that they each can live with.

The final negotiation style that is my personal favorite is the collaborative approach. In the collaborative approach, the couple is working on finding win/win solutions. “How can we both be happy at the end of this sexual encounter?” For example, one partner may be interested in sex while the other is not. If you are taking a collaborative approach you may say, “I am not ready for sex now, but I could be with a little work. How about we  . . .” insert what thing might help you to get in the mood. Both partners win because they both get a happy ending.

In an ideal world, couples would always use the collaborative negotiation style and have many, many happy endings. The reality is that nobody has a perfect sex life. Rather than putting a lot of pressure on your relationship, it is better to learn when and how to use the different negotiation tactics so that you can still be mostly happy. Hopefully, you can learn to negotiate your needs and desires in a fun, respectful way.

           

 

How often should a couple have sex monthly?

The answer to this question can be somewhat complex. It depends on each individual's desire level, the couple's agreed upon frequency, and if both partners feel sexually fulfilled with the frequency they have agreed upon.

Each individual's desire is very different depending on a variety of factors: hormonal levels, health and energy, age, illness and disability. In addition to these individual factors, relational factors can affect frequency as well. Relational factors can include how often each partner initiates, levels of romantic connection, flirtations, relationship satisfaction, and a couple's ability to negotiate for their needs and desires in a positive way.

There can be outside factors that affect frequency as well. Some of these factors include general level of stress, work loads, having young children in the home, having parents or roommates living in the home, and any other outside factors that sometimes get in the way of a frequent sex life.

With all of these factors in mind, here is the answer. Some couples are having sex once a day. Some couples are having sex 3 to 4 times a week. Some couples are having sex 1 to 2 times a week. Some couples have sex 1 or 2 times every 2 weeks. Some couples have sex once a month. Some couples have sex 6 times a year or less.

With these various numbers in mind, what you personally need to do is identify how often you prefer to have sex so you at least have an idea of what would make you happy. After identifying your baseline, then talk to your partner about what their frequency would be.

If you both are at a similar frequency, then the next step is to come up with some ideas for how to initiate sex more frequently with each other. For example, one person can dress really sexy and dance for their partner. In another example, couples can say something suggestive like, "You want to head upstairs? You might get lucky!"

If you both are at a different frequency, then it is a good idea to discuss what compromise might make you both happy. For example, If one person likes sex once weekly while the other person likes it every day, maybe you can compromise with 3 times weekly, or 2 times weekly with one wild card activity such as making out, oral sex, etc.

If you are compromising down for your partner, then in between in those times, find ways to please yourself through masturbation. Not all sex is meant to be between a couple. There will be different times in your life where you are not on the same page about frequency of sex. This does not mean you cannot enjoy sex at a frequency you desire as long as you are willing to fulfill your own needs in addition.

Ultimately, the frequency of sex doesn't matter as long as both partners are both happy and committed to fulfilling each other's sexual needs and desires within reason.

Angela Skurtu is the author of Pre-Marital Counseling: A Guide for Clinicians. She is also the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that focuses on adults, couples and sex therapy. For more information call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.