Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 4 (Final)

Over the last few weeks I have discussed some of the pros of poly to some degree. I think it is just as important to hit some of the cons.

The question must be asked as to whether or not it is truly possible to get over jealousy. As a therapist, I am sometimes biased because I will usually see people struggling with polyamory in therapy. (It is rare for content people to pop into the office just to say hello and pay me for how well they are doing).

With that being said, I have had some pretty tough cases where polyamory had nearly wrecked or completely destroyed the original relationship. In one example, a couple had set one boundary for their outside sex lives-to not have sex in their home. The rule was to always go to someone else's home or to a hotel. It went wrong when one of the couple dated someone who lived by themselves, while the other person dated someone who lived with family. This imbalance made it so the one partner always had to pay for a hotel while the other person had a free ride.

Thus the boundary was broken and all chaos ensued. The one partner felt it was a breech of their trust. The other person felt justified in doing so because no negotiation had taken place after the new relationships existed. In some ways you could argue that both sides were understandable.

Couples get jealous in other ways too. I have heard couples fight about not getting enough time with their spouse because they are always out on dates. If you have children, it is already difficult to get in date nights, let alone dates with several people. In one case, the excitement of the new relationships made the old relationship pale in comparison. The couple craved more time away.

It's not only jealousy, but a lack of balance that I see couples fighting about. In monogamous relationships, it is a bit easier to try to be fair because you only have two people to consider. When trying to come up with fair guidelines for poly couples, you have a lot of people and feelings to consider. What is fair for the primary couple is not always fair to the others in the mix, and vice versus.

If you do want to consider polyamory, it could be helpful to go to a support group where other polyamorous couples meet. While talking in theory about what will work best for you is a start, it is very helpful to hear stories from people actually living open relationships. There are good stories and bad stories. The greatest benefit of a support group is seeing examples for what situations you may encounter going forward and learning from their mistakes.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that provides couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment, please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

Sex, Wine, and Chocolate-Upcoming Event!

Today I am promoting my upcoming event called Sex, Wine and Chocolate. This event will be held on October 24, 2013 from 6-8pm at the Center for Sexual Health. Tickets at $15 per person.

This event is something very unique. As a therapist, I noticed several of my clients seemed to ask the same questions about their sex lives. It boils down to "Am I normal?" Sex is a very special thing. People enjoy sex in a variety of ways, and it is a hard question to answer.

What I say in my seminars is that sex is perverted in nature. This is part of what makes it fun. It's not perfect. It's not rocket science. It's the joining of two or more people who would like to live out a fantasy together. However they want to do that is fine and their business.

If you want to give each other spankings, then give each other spankings and don't worry about being normal. If you want to try out bondage by tying someone up, then try it. Talk about it first. Make sure everyone is cool with what is going down, but then enjoy it.

If there are more specific questions you have about sex and relationships, then come to my seminar. Sex, Wine and Chocolate focuses on common problems women experience, helpful treatments, and helpful tips for keeping the spark in your relationship long term. One other feature of the night is an anonymous Q and A session. Participants are given index cards they can write their questions on. I will answer these questions as plainly and honestly as I can.

For more information or to sign up for the seminar, please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com. Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in the St. Louis area. She provides couples and sex therapy.

Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 3

Another pro for polyamory is something called new relationship energy. This is the excitement that one experiences when starting a new relationship. It is hard to mimic this energy in old long standing relationships. In some ways, monogamists can create moments or times when it feels like that old spark is back, but if not constantly worked on, most relationships will go back to status quo or worse start heading down hill.

A great number of couples are in sexless marriages. Newsweek reports that anywhere from 15-20% of couples are living in sexless marriages. (It is important to note that some couples are happy living in sexless marriages). For those couples who are seeking a romance or the excitement that came towards the beginning of their relationship, polyamory could feel like a good option. 

In some ways, polys are doing what the rest of the population is doing. In her article from “Promise to Promiscuity,” by Hara Marano, she cites that over 50% of people are cheating throughout their lifetimes. While we monogamists tout that this is the best way to go, in some ways, our actions do not follow our words. Polys believe that interest in other partners is a normal variation to relationships. They unmask some of these behaviors by taking an honest approach about alternate relationships. They would rather be open with each other than to lie and cheat behind each other’s backs. 

For those considering polyamory as an option, first decide whether or not you are trying to fix a relationship that may be close to divorce. Polyamory is pretty complicated at times. If you really were ready for a divorce, I am not sure if polyamory is the magic cure that will change things. You may also try it for a short period with the understanding that if things get worse, you will cease and desist. However, if you do so, understand that this could be the final step in your divorce. 

If the relationship is relatively stable, and you both have open minds to this style of relationship, then educate yourselves before moving forward. The book the Ethical Slut, Polyamory Many Loves, and What does Polyamory look Like can be helpful books. You can also address some of these issues in therapy.

For those people who prefer to be monogamous, you can work on creating the old spark. However, it does take intentional work on your part. Plenty of couples re-create the old feelings at times by doing some of the very things that couples do at the beginning of a relationship. For example, going out on dates, thinking about your partner through the week, dressing up just for them, and putting your best foot forward. When we dated, we did these things naturally. Sometimes married couples forget how important the basics really are. 

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist (Expected November 2013). She runs St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice focused in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.