Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 4 (Final)

Over the last few weeks I have discussed some of the pros of poly to some degree. I think it is just as important to hit some of the cons.

The question must be asked as to whether or not it is truly possible to get over jealousy. As a therapist, I am sometimes biased because I will usually see people struggling with polyamory in therapy. (It is rare for content people to pop into the office just to say hello and pay me for how well they are doing).

With that being said, I have had some pretty tough cases where polyamory had nearly wrecked or completely destroyed the original relationship. In one example, a couple had set one boundary for their outside sex lives-to not have sex in their home. The rule was to always go to someone else's home or to a hotel. It went wrong when one of the couple dated someone who lived by themselves, while the other person dated someone who lived with family. This imbalance made it so the one partner always had to pay for a hotel while the other person had a free ride.

Thus the boundary was broken and all chaos ensued. The one partner felt it was a breech of their trust. The other person felt justified in doing so because no negotiation had taken place after the new relationships existed. In some ways you could argue that both sides were understandable.

Couples get jealous in other ways too. I have heard couples fight about not getting enough time with their spouse because they are always out on dates. If you have children, it is already difficult to get in date nights, let alone dates with several people. In one case, the excitement of the new relationships made the old relationship pale in comparison. The couple craved more time away.

It's not only jealousy, but a lack of balance that I see couples fighting about. In monogamous relationships, it is a bit easier to try to be fair because you only have two people to consider. When trying to come up with fair guidelines for poly couples, you have a lot of people and feelings to consider. What is fair for the primary couple is not always fair to the others in the mix, and vice versus.

If you do want to consider polyamory, it could be helpful to go to a support group where other polyamorous couples meet. While talking in theory about what will work best for you is a start, it is very helpful to hear stories from people actually living open relationships. There are good stories and bad stories. The greatest benefit of a support group is seeing examples for what situations you may encounter going forward and learning from their mistakes.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that provides couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment, please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.