Back to Basics Part 3-Investing in Your Relationship

It's always surprising to me how many married couples say to me, "I feel like we are roommates." What causes this feeling? Part of it has to do with feeling like you have a balance of three different types of love within your relationship-friendship, lust, and family/commitment.

First let's describe these types of love in more detail. Friendship-this involves spending time together and wanting to have fun together. Think of any friendship you have that is good. Usually it is good because you invest time and energy into it. Now guys and girls are different in friendships. Often men will spend time doing things such as a project, a game, etc. Guys often seem a bit more hobby oriented.

When women spend time together, there may be something done, but they can also just sit together and talk. With women, you'll here them gossip, share deep secrets, talk about their stressors, and many more topics. They don't usually put as much emphasis on the doing as guys do.

When you are in a relationship, it is important to invest in your friendship. Since guys and girls do this very differently, it is important to remember that neither one is more effective than the other. Both ways are valid. It is helpful to take turns-sometimes spend time talking, and other times do a project together. That way each of you feels what you want is important. Make sure to do this regularly just as you would a friendship.

The second type of love is commitment love or a familial love. Often people who have been married for a very long time will feel very competent in this area. There are many ways to invest in a relationship and show your commitment to one another.

When you think of an example of family, consider a brother, sister, mother, father, etc. What do families do for each other? In healthy families, you are there for each other. There is an understanding that no matter what, you can count on the others. You may get into fights, but ultimately you will get over it and you will still be family.

Getting married is one way to show this. The act of standing in front of your friends and promising to be there for each other through thick and thin can feel very committing. However, there are other day to day things you can do to show commitment to one another. For example, checking in and asking your partner what they are doing before making your plans for the day. This can make your partner feel as though they are your first priority.

Other ways to show commitment are by being there for a person during rough times. A person who is non-committal usually leaves when times get rough. They don't stick it out. You can be there for a person after an argument by offering a hug or an apology. The very act of someone sticking around during and after a fight shows a great deal of commitment, because it could be just as easy to run out the door.

The third type of love is lust. Now lust seems to get a bad reputation in our world. Truth is, a great number of relationships in our culture are founded on a good deal of lust. Lust provides that sexy spark that is thrilling, exciting, enjoyable and just plain fun. Without lust, a friendship remains a friendship.

How does one invest in the lust in their relationship? You can do so by flirting, showing affection, talking about sex and what turns you on, dressing up and going out together, putting your best foot forward and trying to be a gentlemen or a lady, and many more ways. You can also do so by putting effort into keeping a healthy body-exercise, eating right, etc. The ultimate word to keep in mind it try. You may not always win when you try, but the very act of trying shows that you care.

In order to work on your own relationship, take a look at what makes you feel loved and what may be missing in your relationship. If there is an area that could use improvement, take initiative. Plan a date night is you need a little more lust. That includes getting the babysitter for the night. If you miss your friendship, find a hobby and spend some time on it together. Finally, if you need help, seek it. Everyone goes through rough times and it's better to do something about it than to see your relationship die.

Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focused in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, contact Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Back to Basics-Part II Kissing

Kissing is truly an art form. There are a variety of ways to kiss that can be both enticing, encouraging, loving, and connecting. Yet I repeatedly hear that my clients either barely kiss at all or if they do it is usually a only quick pecks. What is even more surprising is how many clients say they avoid kissing during sex. When I think about what gets people into the mood for sex, my automatic thought is foreplay. Kissing is a major aspect of foreplay.

What are the benefits of kissing? First off, there are not many people we are allowed to kiss in general. It is a special gift you share between the most intimate people in your life. Some people only will kiss their partners. So, if you have a person you can kiss, take advantage of it.

Secondly, kissing releases chemicals in the body (oxytocin) that help us to feel close and connected. There are nerve endings in the lips that fire when we kiss, especially when we kiss passionately. If you want more sex, you need more passionate kissing. Thirdly from a biological perspective, kissing may provide some protection against bacteria and infection. Your body develops immunity through exposure to each other’s germs.

How do you vamp up your kissing? Start by researching the types of kissing out there. There are different ways to vary things up. You can vary the pace, wetness, pressure, location (meaning both where in your environment and where on your body), and length of time.

Some people prefer long wet kisses with lots of tongue curling while other s prefer softer, delicate kisses with just a hint of tongue. There is no perfect way to kiss, but it is important to learn how to kiss in different ways that make both you and your partner feel good.

A fun game to learn with a partner is to play “Kiss me the way you like to be kissed.” In this game the first player kisses the second exactly how player one would prefer to be kissed. Player two will then mimic this kiss on their partner. Next you switch roles and repeat the exercise learning about player two’s favorite style of kiss.

If neither you, nor your partner knows what types of kisses you like, then do some experimentation. Start with a long peck while embracing. Next, try short, quick pecks around the neck or on the lips. Notice the difference and make a note of what you like.

When the tongue is added, start with a slow exploration of your partner’s mouth. Start out shallow and see how your partner responds. Explore their lips with your tongue. Some people bite very lightly on the bottom lip. If you choose to use your teeth, be careful and stick with nibbles rather than hard bites-unless your partner requests it or shows interest.

You can also explore their mouth deeper as the kissing progresses. Be careful not probe the mouth uncomfortably deep and leave room for breathing every now and again. About halfway into the mouth can be a pretty good depth. The tongues can roll across each other, or take on a light sucking. The best part is to mix things up-you don’t have to stay on one motion for the entire time.

Finally, find a way kiss daily whether or not sex is involved. Kissing improves intimacy and helps get the juices flowing. It also shows your partner you desire them.  

Angela Skurtu owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, contact 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

 

 

Back to Basics-Part 1 FLIRTING

After speaking with a number of couples about their mating rituals, I have decided it is important to discuss some of the very basics of seduction. Today, we focus on the art of flirting.
 
What have I noticed is that a great deal of long term couples neglect flirting, which is a very important aspect keeping to the spark alive. When sex begins to fall of the table, couples will argue with each other, avoid each other, blame each other, and even look for medical problems. I have said it before, no one wants to have sex with someone who is mean or bullying them.

Now granted, it is good to find out if you have medical problems, so I will encourage clients to check out hormone levels, dietary deficiencies, or medications that could be preventing desire.

Back to my original point, I find many couples will say they stopped flirting long ago-either because they don't need to, don't know how, or just expect that being married means you don't have to work for sex. This ideology is false and a contributor to sexless marriages.

What is flirting? Wikipedia explains that flirting involves verbal, written or body language that suggests a deeper interest in the other person. It goes on to say that most cultures do not find it socially acceptable to make sexual advances explicitly, so flirting is a means to indirectly make said advances.

Think about what makes flirting sexy. You are indirect. You are hinting at what you are thinking, but leaving the other person to guess and anticipate what may follow. I watch this terrible teenager show called Awkward. In a recent episode, a boy puts his hand on her arm. In her inner monologue, she asks all kinds of questions about his intentions. Does he like me? Is this me being silly? This is completely inappropriate-he knows I have a boyfriend. All the while, she is getting more and more turned on and having fantasies about him.

What makes flirting so exciting is the “not” knowing-The banter back and forth; the idea that sex is an option, but not necessarily going to happen. “I wasn’t trying to do anything.” Wink. This is why dating can be so thrilling. You have just met. Sex is not expectation necessarily, and you are free to be playful, sexy, and wild. 

If you and your partner have stopped flirting or if you never knew how, take some time to learn and practice together as a couple. You can do an internet search to find out about different flirting styles, you can watch movies to see how the actors do it, and you can watch people around you, strangers or friends, in your local bar, restaurant, or on your favorite date night.

Some more concrete examples of flirting include touch such as holding an embrace for a little longer than you would usually; placing a hand at the small of your partner’s back and moving your fingers in a delicate massage; pulling an eyelash off their face and staring deeply into their eyes. Other non-touch flirts include innuendo, playful banter, flirty texts that suggest sexual interests, compliments, etc. An example of a compliment that can also be suggestive might be, “That dress is driving me wild for you.”

Experiment with different styles until you get confident with your own flirting ability. There is no perfect way to flirt, but a lack of flirting is definitely a problem. It’s hard to go from the days responsibilities to jumping into bed naturally. Flirting is a means to create that natural progression and to get the juices flowing. So flirt away!


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist (Expected Dec. 2013). She owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that counsels couples and individuals. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

 

Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 4 (Final)

Over the last few weeks I have discussed some of the pros of poly to some degree. I think it is just as important to hit some of the cons.

The question must be asked as to whether or not it is truly possible to get over jealousy. As a therapist, I am sometimes biased because I will usually see people struggling with polyamory in therapy. (It is rare for content people to pop into the office just to say hello and pay me for how well they are doing).

With that being said, I have had some pretty tough cases where polyamory had nearly wrecked or completely destroyed the original relationship. In one example, a couple had set one boundary for their outside sex lives-to not have sex in their home. The rule was to always go to someone else's home or to a hotel. It went wrong when one of the couple dated someone who lived by themselves, while the other person dated someone who lived with family. This imbalance made it so the one partner always had to pay for a hotel while the other person had a free ride.

Thus the boundary was broken and all chaos ensued. The one partner felt it was a breech of their trust. The other person felt justified in doing so because no negotiation had taken place after the new relationships existed. In some ways you could argue that both sides were understandable.

Couples get jealous in other ways too. I have heard couples fight about not getting enough time with their spouse because they are always out on dates. If you have children, it is already difficult to get in date nights, let alone dates with several people. In one case, the excitement of the new relationships made the old relationship pale in comparison. The couple craved more time away.

It's not only jealousy, but a lack of balance that I see couples fighting about. In monogamous relationships, it is a bit easier to try to be fair because you only have two people to consider. When trying to come up with fair guidelines for poly couples, you have a lot of people and feelings to consider. What is fair for the primary couple is not always fair to the others in the mix, and vice versus.

If you do want to consider polyamory, it could be helpful to go to a support group where other polyamorous couples meet. While talking in theory about what will work best for you is a start, it is very helpful to hear stories from people actually living open relationships. There are good stories and bad stories. The greatest benefit of a support group is seeing examples for what situations you may encounter going forward and learning from their mistakes.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that provides couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment, please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.

Sex, Wine, and Chocolate-Upcoming Event!

Today I am promoting my upcoming event called Sex, Wine and Chocolate. This event will be held on October 24, 2013 from 6-8pm at the Center for Sexual Health. Tickets at $15 per person.

This event is something very unique. As a therapist, I noticed several of my clients seemed to ask the same questions about their sex lives. It boils down to "Am I normal?" Sex is a very special thing. People enjoy sex in a variety of ways, and it is a hard question to answer.

What I say in my seminars is that sex is perverted in nature. This is part of what makes it fun. It's not perfect. It's not rocket science. It's the joining of two or more people who would like to live out a fantasy together. However they want to do that is fine and their business.

If you want to give each other spankings, then give each other spankings and don't worry about being normal. If you want to try out bondage by tying someone up, then try it. Talk about it first. Make sure everyone is cool with what is going down, but then enjoy it.

If there are more specific questions you have about sex and relationships, then come to my seminar. Sex, Wine and Chocolate focuses on common problems women experience, helpful treatments, and helpful tips for keeping the spark in your relationship long term. One other feature of the night is an anonymous Q and A session. Participants are given index cards they can write their questions on. I will answer these questions as plainly and honestly as I can.

For more information or to sign up for the seminar, please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com. Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in the St. Louis area. She provides couples and sex therapy.

Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 3

Another pro for polyamory is something called new relationship energy. This is the excitement that one experiences when starting a new relationship. It is hard to mimic this energy in old long standing relationships. In some ways, monogamists can create moments or times when it feels like that old spark is back, but if not constantly worked on, most relationships will go back to status quo or worse start heading down hill.

A great number of couples are in sexless marriages. Newsweek reports that anywhere from 15-20% of couples are living in sexless marriages. (It is important to note that some couples are happy living in sexless marriages). For those couples who are seeking a romance or the excitement that came towards the beginning of their relationship, polyamory could feel like a good option. 

In some ways, polys are doing what the rest of the population is doing. In her article from “Promise to Promiscuity,” by Hara Marano, she cites that over 50% of people are cheating throughout their lifetimes. While we monogamists tout that this is the best way to go, in some ways, our actions do not follow our words. Polys believe that interest in other partners is a normal variation to relationships. They unmask some of these behaviors by taking an honest approach about alternate relationships. They would rather be open with each other than to lie and cheat behind each other’s backs. 

For those considering polyamory as an option, first decide whether or not you are trying to fix a relationship that may be close to divorce. Polyamory is pretty complicated at times. If you really were ready for a divorce, I am not sure if polyamory is the magic cure that will change things. You may also try it for a short period with the understanding that if things get worse, you will cease and desist. However, if you do so, understand that this could be the final step in your divorce. 

If the relationship is relatively stable, and you both have open minds to this style of relationship, then educate yourselves before moving forward. The book the Ethical Slut, Polyamory Many Loves, and What does Polyamory look Like can be helpful books. You can also address some of these issues in therapy.

For those people who prefer to be monogamous, you can work on creating the old spark. However, it does take intentional work on your part. Plenty of couples re-create the old feelings at times by doing some of the very things that couples do at the beginning of a relationship. For example, going out on dates, thinking about your partner through the week, dressing up just for them, and putting your best foot forward. When we dated, we did these things naturally. Sometimes married couples forget how important the basics really are. 

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist (Expected November 2013). She runs St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice focused in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 2

In the interest of taking a middle ground approach, I’d like to explore some pros and cons of polyamory as it relates to monogamy. The first pro is that polyamorists are expected to negotiate. Many have long conversations about what their expectations are going into the situation. Often there are agreed upon rules that may change over time. The key is to keep an open dialogue and be willing to work through jealousy or hurt feelings. A good resource for doing this is the 12 Pillars of Polyamory.

Several monogamists struggle with negotiation or even setting clear expectations with one another. Monogamists often feel caught between not wanting to appear jealous, and feeling madly jealous when their partner crosses some unspoken line such as flirting with another girl even if “nothing happened.” For monogamists, it could be helpful to have more spoken rules about where the boundaries lie.

I once had a client who switched from an open relationship to a closed relationship say to me, “At least in the open relationship, we openly discussed boundaries with outside relationships. Now, there is just tension when someone does it but no one says anything.”

To be clearer, a good start is to have a dialogue about boundaries in relationships whether you are in an open or closed relationship. Discuss what touch is okay such as hugs, kisses on the cheek, etc. Also discuss what types of touch are not okay such as lingering touch at the small of the back or a hand on a leg. Other boundaries to discuss include the difference between what is playful flirting, and when it feels like flirting crosses the line.

In an open relationship, when someone finds another person attractive, they discuss it and whether or not to pursue a relationship. In a closed relationship, it may be helpful to discuss how to handle a situation like this appropriately. It is natural to find others attractive. However, your partner may wish for you to avoid a person who you are attracted to in order to build trust. Contrarily, some other monogamous partner might say, you don’t need to avoid them, but make it clear to the other party that nothing will happen. 

Tune in next week for Part 3 of the Polyamory series.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist working in the St. Louis area. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com. 

Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 1.

With the expectations that everyone is telling the truth and sticking to set boundaries, polyamory could in fact be an ideal situation. Partners are both encouraged to explore their sexual interests and to even pursue other relationships. For couples who feel the spark is missing, but still feel a real close connection as parents, or family, this can seem like one viable route to taking care of the need for new and interesting sexual experiences.

In an ideal polyamory setting, the couple is completely honest with each other and set clear boundaries for what is acceptable and unacceptable in their relationship. This includes being clear about who they are dating, when they are feeling the outside relationship is becoming more than play partners, but lovers, and being clear about when they have conflicting needs. The idea is that when you are jealous or hurt by something from your partner, you work it out. You sort out differences, listen, respect each other, and find ways to compromise.

The ultimate goal would be to work through jealousy, keep an open contract, and be willing to negotiate throughout the relationship to take care of all parties. One example of a time to negotiate would be when adding in a new partner. Perhaps the couple already sees couples together, but would like the opportunity to have an individual relationship that is not shared. In a situation like this, the couple would discuss both sides, possibly try it out, but be willing to make compromises if it caused some difficulty in the relationship.

While polyamory seems to be the perfect solution, trouble does occur. I have seen countless couples who angrily discuss how their needs are not met, their partner doesn't show love or respect, and they never compromise about anything. Sometimes, a polyamorous relationship makes this more difficult as now you are expected to consider those same emotional needs from a whole new set of parties. Thus divided loyalties ensue, and what is meant to be a helpful solution can sometimes turn into a much more complicated mess.

In the next couple of blogs, I will present a few pros and cons of each life style-monogamy and polyamory with the hope that couples can make the best decision for themselves. 

To make an appointment, please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

What does healthy sex look like? Part 2.

To continue, another factor in healthy sexuality is shared values. Both people involved have discussed what they enjoy and have agreed upon what sexual acts they will engage in as a group. This is often a work in progress as people change across time. Sexual interests and desires change. The expectation is that couples bring up these changes and discuss ways they can either incorporate new sexual ideas or compromises they are willing to make.

Another important factor is non-exploitation. Sex should not be used as a punishment or means for manipulation. For example, if one person is not in the mood, they can ask to wait for sex, and their partner will not punish them by being mean, ignoring them, or basically making life miserable. However, it is common for people to feel rejected, and it is okay to express hurt or disappointment. The key idea here is that being hurt is NOT a justification for rude behavior.

Other factors to consider with sexual exploitation include prison populations or people in one-down relationships. A prisoner cannot consent to sex with a prison guard because the nature of the relationship is exploitative. In a similar vein, therapists are not to have sex with clients and teachers are not supposed to have sex with students because there is a power dynamic that prevents clear consent. 

Another important factor in healthy sexuality is mutual pleasure. Both parties are enjoying the act even if their goals are different. For example, a woman may have sex to feel close to her partner, while her partner may be having sex because he likes the feeling of orgasm. Both goals are fine as long as each person is enjoying the experience.

Finally, both parties are protected from any unwanted pregnancy or STDs. Other than these above factors, most sex acts in between are perfectly fine. Sexuality is a gift that can be embraced and enjoyed. It does not matter whether a person has a strange fetish, or weird sexual interest. These days, the internet is providing a great opportunity for people with unique sexual interests to find one another. Ultimately, do what makes you happy within the context of healthy sexuality. If you are not sure, do some research or talk to a sex therapist to learn more about healthy sex.

To make an appointment, contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

What does healthy sexuality look like? What is normal? Part 1.

This is difficult question. Due to the nature of our society and the way we view sex, there tends to be several definitions of what is unhealthy sexually, but very few healthy definitions. The DSM is a basic tool that sex therapists use to define unhealthy behaviors. However, even within the DSM, there are varying beliefs about what is acceptable and not acceptable. For example, BDSM is a life style for some people, but Sadism and Masochism is included as a mental health diagnosis.

To start, anything listed in the DSM as a sexual deviance, is only considered a problem if it is negatively affecting your relationship, your school functioning, your job functioning, or your mental well being. If you are engaging in Sadism, and it has no negative effects, you may just be a normal human being enjoying a unique and erotic sexual experience.

There are a couple of helpful rules to consider about what healthy sexuality looks like. These rules include: consent, honesty, mutual pleasure, shared values, non-exploitation, and protection against unwanted pregnancy or STDs (Adapted from Michael Vigorito and Doug Braun Harvey's Sexual Health Model).

To break these down, first look at consent. All people involved in the sexual act must be of age and legal capability to consent to the act. This is defined by your state. In Missouri, the age of consent is 17. In other states it may be different. Check with your state and understand that not following these rules can result in jail time. Other factors to consider with consent include mental capacity, and being alert and awake during the act (a person cannot consent if they are sleeping or unconscious).

Second, let’s look at honesty. The partners involved are very clear about what is happening or not happening sexually. If you are in an open relationship, you are clear with the other person that the sexual relationship is shared and non exclusive. If you are only planning to have a one night stand, you are honest about that and not putting up a charade about expecting a long term relationship.

Factors to consider include: Affairs (dishonest) or hiding of sexual behaviors that could affect your partner. An example of this is porn. Many individuals watch porn together and individually. However, if one partner hides this from the other partner, they feel betrayed. In a healthy relationship, you are honest with each other about your sexual interests, and you both agree to what is acceptable or not acceptable in the relationship. If one person is too strict for the other, then it can be a viable option to find another partner to share your sexual interests with.

The second part of this article will be published next Friday, September 6, 2013. Tune in next week!

To make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

I’ve never tried anal sex. What is a good way to start?

First, decide whether or not you truly want to try this. Not every relationship requires this to have a good sex life. Make sure you’re doing it because you want to try it not because you feel like you have to. The best way to try this out is to first have a conversation with your partner about what you want to do, how you would like to try it, and what you need from them to feel safe and taken care of. It can also be helpful if you experiment by yourself before trying this out with a partner.

Before starting anal sex it is important to be very horny. Don’t go straight into anal. This will make the experience more enjoyable. You should spend plenty of time on foreplay such as kissing, touching, oral sex, possibly vaginal sex to start, sharing fantasies, and other types that really get you in the mood. Make sure the anus is clean before getting started.

When you are very horny and ready to try out some anal play, start by touching softly around that area on the outside of the anus with a finger, tongue, or a very small butt plug. This will help you get comfortable and get the nerve endings in the anus firing. Be very direct with your partner, let them know how fast to go, when it’s okay to insert something, and remember to relax.

Next, insert either a pinky finger or a small butt plug. Be sure the finger or butt plug is well lubricated as the anus does not have its own lubrication system. Silicone lubricant can be very helpful as it lasts longer. However, use water based lubricant if using silicone toys.

If it gets painful, it’s perfectly fine to ask to stop and do something else. You may also ask your partner to slow down so you can relax, or even to stimulate another area during anal penetration to make it feel better. It can be very sexy to stimulate the clitoris or the penis at the same time you are engaging in anal play.

If you had fun with the smaller object, you can slowly work towards bigger objects, but not in the same session. It is good to get used to the smallest object and slowly work your way up to bigger objects such as a penis. When you do start using a penis, it can be helpful to start out on top. This way you can control the intensity of the movements, how quickly the penis is inserted, and it helps open up the rectum more naturally.

Remember that while anal sex can be a fun piece of your sex relationship, you should still have a wide variety of other options.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

I found porn on my 11 year old son’s computer. How should parents handle this?

Every kid experiments with sex at different ages. It is typical for boys and girls to get curious about sex around the ages of puberty which can range from ages 10 to 11 for girls and 11 to 12 for boys. Long ago, kids had to work a little harder to find pornographic images. They might find a magazine under a dad’s bed or have an older teenage friend or brother who passed down a magazine. These days, porn is much easier to track down and find online, often for free.

The important thing to remember is that porn by itself is not necessarily harmful. Plenty of men and women of a variety of ages have looked at porn with little to no consequences. Some people even report they learned a few things about how to give oral sex or how to try new sexy things with their partner. I even know couples who watch porn together before sex to get in the mood.

With that being said, parents should talk to their kids when they find out about porn usage or if they catch their kids masturbating. These are considered teachable moments. Be very neutral and if you can muster it, try to be positive about sex. Your child is developing their views and values at this time, and you don’t want them to see sex as shameful or dirty.

Parents who take a very reactive or punishing approach to sex typically get kids who won’t talk to them again. These kids find ways to hide their actions or get information from less accurate sources such as teenage friends, porn, or even guessing.

Opportunities like this can be a great way to teach our kids about important sexual concepts. You may discuss some of your values regarding sex or ask your child what they have learned about sex either from the videos or from friends. Typically, kids have some gaps in knowledge, and this can be a helpful step in addressing those gaps. For example, porn often shows people who get right to the point, whereas real sex is much better when you take your time with foreplay and romance.

Some important questions you may ask include: What have you learned about sex? What do other kids say about it? Have you ever tried anything with yourself? With another person? What was it like? What do you want to know more about? Again, remain neutral and take a positive approach. The point is not to try to catch them and punish them for doing something wrong. Sexual exploration is normal and common.

Once you have a dialogue, you can begin to explain boundaries you would like to see your child follow. For example, if they are masturbating, you can suggest they do so in the privacy of their bedroom or the bathroom shower. Depending on how you feel about porn, you may either suggest they limit their time using it or that they don’t show those images to other siblings. You may also suggest they wait to look at porn again until they are older, but then get them an educational book about sex such as “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Harris and Emberley.

Kids who are educated about sex by their parents often make better decisions regarding their relationships and love lives. Providing a neutral and positive atmosphere helps kids feel safe to bring up topics with you when they have bigger issues to work through such as deciding to have sex for the first time. After having such a conversation, you can even say, “we know that you will have more decisions to make about sex in the future. We ask that when the time comes, you discuss it with us. We want to help you figure things out.”

You may be surprised by how much your kid already knows. If your child initially reacts fearfully or tries to avoid the conversation, you can still open the door to having future conversations by saying, “It’s okay if you are not ready to discuss this now. However, we would like to have more conversations with you in the future. We care about you and we are here if you have any questions.”

If you would like to make an appointment please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

What are the causes and treatments for vaginal dryness?

There are a variety of causes for vaginal dryness. Some of the causes could include differing estrogen levels after menopause, cancer treatments, child birth, certain medications and even a lack of foreplay. If you are experiencing vaginal dryness, here are a few tips for how to treat this problem.

1)      Use a lubricant daily to soften the vaginal walls. This can be inserted with your fingers or with the help of a baster. Rub the lubricants around the first 2 to 3 inches of the vaginal entrance (avoiding the urethra). Lubricants that can be used include olive oil, cold pressed coconut oil, or a water based lubricant such as Astroglide or ID.

2)      During sex, use a water based lubricant to make sure the penis is easily inserted. Rub the lubricant around your partner’s penis and around the opening to the vagina. 

3)      If you use these lubricants, and you are still experiencing problems, you can ask your doctor for a prescription. The most common prescriptions prescribed include: Vaginal Estrogen Ring (Estring), Vaginal Estrogen Tablet (Vagifem), and Vaginal Estrogen Cream (Estrace, Premarin).

4)      A helpful resource for learning more about pain during sex is the book “When Sex Hurts,” by Goldstein and Pukol.

5)  Finally, getting a combination of treatment from a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist, a Sex Therapist, and a Urologist/Gynecologist is the most effective course of treatment for pain during sex.

To make an appointment, call Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or www.therapistinstlouis.com.

Can you overuse a vibrator?

Vibrators alone cannot become addictive. However, if used consistently in place of a romantic relationship, one could be accused of vibrator overuse. In these cases, a partner is usually asking for more physical intimacy to be shared rather than relying on solo-sex with a vibrator.

Vibrators can be an excellent enhancement to your love making. For many women, the vibrator can allow orgasm to happen when it previously was not occurring. It is important to find ways to incorporate your partner in the use of a vibrator. 

If you would like to introduce vibrators, talk to your partner about what he/she would be interested in. Next, stop by a sex store or visit a website and research some of the possible tools available. For people who are confused by the whole process, host a pure romance party to learn about different vibrators and how they are used.

Finally, make a plan to introduce the vibrator into your next sexual experience. Be clear with your partner about what feels good and what does not. Try it out on yourself and on your partner as well. After the experience, communicate about what you would like to see happen again and things that felt uncomfortable.  Adjust your use the next time based on what you discussed.

The important thing is to use a vibrator as a piece of your sex life rather than the primary tool you rely on to use. It is important to find a variety of ways to use your bodies and your fantasies as a means for achieving pleasure and possible orgasm.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Sometimes I don’t get orgasms with my partner, is this normal?

Yes, it is normal. It is not necessary to have an orgasm in order to have good sex. It is necessary to have the ability to accept differences in you and your partner’s sexual response. Both males and females experience sex in different ways. You can enjoy sex by being present and enjoying the moment whether or not either of you has an orgasm.

It is important to have a dialogue about what is going on when you are not having an orgasm. Many individuals find it helpful to say directly, “Let’s make tonight about you,” when they know they aren't going to have an orgasm. Other things to say can include, “I want to enjoy the sex for what it is and it’s okay if I don’t get to orgasm this time.” In the first scenario, the person is not interested in being the focus of attention and may just not be in the mood to do all the work to get an orgasm. In the second scenario, someone may be enjoying the act of sex but not able to get to the next level during this sexual experience.  Both options are fine as long as both partners are happy with what they are doing. Talking about it ahead of time can also be helpful. In a less stressful time couples can discuss sex more directly.

If you never feel like you are getting orgasms with your partner, this is likely going to be a problem long term. In order to get better orgasms: experiment with yourself. Learn what it takes to make you have an orgasm. Try this with your hand first instead of a vibrator because it is difficult to mimic the movements of a vibrator with a hand or tongue.

Then invite your partner in. Show your partner how you like to be touched by having them watch first. Then, have him/her put their hand over your hand as you explore yourself. This gives them an idea of how to practice touching you. Remember to be direct with them and tell them exactly what feels good. After some practice, your partner should be able to give you some orgasms.

Some helpful books to reference about getting orgasms include Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman, For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach, and The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.

Is it strange to have a higher sex drive than your guy?

In any relationship, each partner will have different desire levels. Some people desire sex once a month, once a week, or three times a week, while others desire it once a year. Clearly, there is a large variety of sex drives.

When in a relationship with someone whose drive is lower than yours, it is important to come up with options to make sure each person feels satisfied. Couples need to discuss this openly and directly to come up with the best options for themselves.

One idea may be to cuddle and kiss your partner while the other person self-pleasures. Another idea could be that one partner is willing to provide oral or manual stimulation to help their partner feel sexual. This not only satisfies the high desire partner but can also give you a sense of fulfillment by being able to provide pleasure to your partner. Another option is for couples to come up with trade-offs. For example, one night, you ask your partner to give you a full body massage in exchange for a blow job.

It is very important to feel as though there is a good balance between sexual and non-sexual intimacy. If you feel pressured by the higher desire partner, find a positive way to explain that you need some nights to be focused on non-sexual touch such as kissing, cuddling on the couch or in bed, or just holding hands. When a high desire partner is willing to engage in “no-pressure for sex” nights, it is an important way for them to show respect and love.

Another important tip is to schedule specific times for sex. Some couples don’t like this idea because they believe it takes the spontaneity out of sex. However, in our busy worlds of kids, jobs, and everything else, if you don’t schedule it, it may not happen. Try to schedule a least one date night every other week where you know sex will be involved. That day before the sex date, get thinking about sexy thoughts and flirting with each other to set the mood. This can also be a great way to introduce a new sexy idea, because in the planning you can talk about things you would like to try with each other. Planning can still be sexy!

Finally, seek help if you are struggling. This is a common problem and a Sex Therapist can help couples to find that balance so that both partners feel happy, healthy, and loved.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or to purchase tickets to one of her seminars visit her website at St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.

Sometimes sex hurts because my boyfriend's penis is too big. What positions or strategies can work with this?

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How do you get your man to be more romantic?

When it comes to romance, it is clear that women tend to complain they don't get enough in their relationships. I hear time and again from the women I speak with that their guys either aren't interested in being romantic or just don't know how to do it. Here are a few tips for how to get more romance from your partner.

1) Praise him when he takes any small steps towards being romantic. Most women I know take more of a critical approach to getting their needs and wants met. They will tell their partner what he is doing wrong rather than encourage what he is doing right. This leaves guys (and gals) feeling like they can't win even when they are trying. So when you see him make an effort towards being romantic, acknowledge it by being thankful. Control your urge to say "I wish you would do this more often," which is a complaint. Instead say, "I love that you arranged this romantic dinner." When you encourage small efforts, you will get more over time.

2) Recognize that guys show romance differently than girls. I have had couples in my office who both reported they were trying to be romantic. However, since they did it differently, they did not recognize their partner's efforts. Each of you can make a list of things you find romantic and compare them. Then pick things from each list to do for each other. The key to this exercise is it do things on your partner's list to show romance and vice versus. You be responsible for trying things on your partner's list, and have your partner be responsible for trying things on your list.

3) Take initiative to create the romance you desire. Too many women get caught up in the idea that it is the man's job to romance the woman. Romance is a two way street. If you want want more romance, you can put the effort in as well. Light candles when you have dinner together. Put on some music and ask to dance in the kitchen. Set up a date night where you both get to dress up and have a night on the town. When he participates in the romance, thank him for spending the time with you.

4) Make it a priority. In the end, romance is a habit like any other habit. You can make a schedule for date nights, come up with daily rituals or even pick out a book that you try new things from weekly. It doesn't matter how you do it as long as you each feel taken care of.

To make an appointment, contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com. To purchase tickets to an event, Angela is hosting Sex, Wine and Chocolate on June 28, 2013.

Marriage Therapist to Host Interactive Event “Sex, Wine, and Chocolate: Every Taboo in One Night!”

Marriage Therapist Angela Skurtu invites St. Louis singles and couples to the event “Sex, Wine, and Chocolate: Every Taboo in One Night!” Learn tips and tricks to keep the spark alive in your romantic relationships.

ST. LOUIS, MO, (May 1, 2013)—Ever wonder how to bring up new ideas in the bedroom?  St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC announces “Sex, Wine, and Chocolate,” on June 28, 2013, a fun, interactive event that delves into conversation about getting the sex you want! Tickets can be purchased at http://sexwineandchocolate.eventbrite.com/.

“Sex may only be 10% of your relationship,” says Angela Skurtu, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, “but if it’s not good, it can become 90% of the problems in a relationship.” Skurtu’s current research focuses on sexless marriages, which are defined as ones in which a couple has sex less than 10 times a year. To understand the complexity of a sexless marriage, it is important to first address what makes for a healthy sex life in a long-term relationship. A whole array of life circumstances, including children, moving, grief, illness, weight gain, and medication can all impact desire or performance.

“Good sex long term involves a variety of factors: playfulness, eroticism, excitement, adventure, closeness, love, and respect,” says Skurtu. But difficulties in sexual desire or performance can lead to tiptoeing around delicate subjects, leaving one or both partners feeling shame, frustration, and eventually withdrawing. We know that being fully engaged with the occasional mind blowing orgasm creates a good sexual experience for either party. So where do couples go wrong?

“One of the factors I have seen in my practice is a breakdown in communication-either lack of a sexual language entirely or a sexual language that is critical rather than encouraging. When communication difficulties are connected with shame, I see relationships that lead toward sexless marriages,” says Skurtu.

Sometimes shame enters the relationship because people have been given very shameful messages about sex from an early age. This leads to difficulty creating a positive relationship with sex later in life. Another factor that contributes to a lack of communication and shame is when one of the partners struggles with a personal problem that is linked to sex. These problems may include erection problems, pain during sex, problems achieving orgasm, a disability that affects sexual function, or a life event.

“For a couple struggling with one of these events,” says Skurtu, “Not only will they avoid sex, they will avoid talking about the issue or feel extreme shame when their partner finds out about the problem.” This leads into an avoidance pattern where each partner keeps information to themselves, rather than bringing up a topic that is completely embarrassing. When sex becomes a problem in a relationship, it is often a complex problem for couples to resolve on their own.

Skurtu created the event Sex, Wine, and Chocolate http://sexwineandchocolate.eventbrite.com/ for a date night or a girls’ night out. Individuals who attend will learn valuable tips for how to keep the romance in their relationship long term. The highlight of the night is the anonymous question and answer section. Individuals are given index cards where they can write anonymous questions for Skurtu to answer as a part of her presentation. No subject is too taboo!

“I am always surprised at how detailed the questions get. It is a great opportunity to get answers about sex without worrying about what other people will think of you,” says Skurtu.  “If you want a better sex life, don’t just wait: do something about it. Everyone deserves a happy, healthy sex life.”  And what better way to rekindle your romance than with a little wine and chocolate?

For more information about this event or to purchase tickets, contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit St. Louis Marriage Therapy at www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

How does alcohol affect sex?

Alcohol has varying effects depending on the amount, frequency and gender of the person drinking. With small portions of alcohol (1-3 beers, glasses of wine, etc.), men and women alike have reported feeling more sexy or interested in sex. However, with increased consumption of alcohol (3 to 4+), people report it has negative affects on performance. For example, some men report getting "whiskey dick" when they drink too much.

Other couples have struggled with connecting intimately without alcohol if they used alcohol in the beginning to connect sexually. Since alcohol reduces inhibitions, some couples who are very shy about sex struggle to find ways to initiate when alcohol is not involved. This can lead to resentments long term.

The best case scenario is to limit your drinking and to vary your sexual experiences so that they do not all happen during alcohol consumption. This way, a couple can feel connected but not have to worry too much about lack of ability or feeling like "we only have sex when we drink." If you are concerned that your partner may have a drinking problem, it is best to seek help from a professional.

To make an appointment, please call 314-973-7997 or visit St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.

Do most people with abnormal sexual behaviors have obsessive compulsive disorder?

This is a difficult question. What is considered normal or abnormal is subjective given the person who is answering the question. The DSM-IV-TR lists a set of paraphilias that is considered by the medical community as problematic sexual behavior. However, there is even debate among professionals and the population as to whether some of the paraphilias should even be listed such as Masochism and Sadism, as people in the BDSM community would explain that this is a lifestyle and/or a normal sexual variation.

First, we must define what is healthy sexuality. The briefest definition is that sex is a consensual act between adults. Beyond that, the possibilities are limitless as long as each person involved is comfortable with the acts that are taking place.

What makes sex abnormal or problematic? In the mental health community, we consider the following questions: 1) Is it creating harm in your relationship(s)? 2) Is it creating harm in your work/school environment and/or possibly preventing you from participating in daily tasks? 3) It is causing emotional/psychological harm or is it causing a client distress? If the behavior fits in these categories, it can be helpful to seek a counselor to address the problem.

Examples of problematic sexual behaviors that therapists work with include: 1) sex or porn addicts: 2) people whose sexual experience is limited to paraphilias and their partner is not comfortable with these types of sexual expression; 3) people who are engaging in sexual acts without the other party's consent; 4) people affected by sexual abuse who struggle in their current sexual relationship; 5) people who have affairs (This is not an exhaustive list of all problematic behaviors).

There are various reasons why people engage in problematic sexual behaviors. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is just one factor among many that can contribute to problematic behaviors.

For more information or to make an appointment, please call 314-973-7997 or visit St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.

Does every woman have a g-spot?

There is much debate about this topic in the literature. One of the reasons this is important to people is that some women struggle to find their own g-spot and get orgasms while stimulating the g-spot. To answer this question, we need to look at two things-Physiology of the vagina and the differences in what creates orgasm for women.

To start with the physiology, the g-spot can be found about 2 inches inside the vagina at the front wall. It is soft tissue located close to the prostate. For women who do experience g-spot orgasms, inserting two fingers and using the come hither motion towards the front wall can help to create an orgasm in some women.

However, not all women report that they experience g-spot orgasms. Some women state that stimulation in this area makes them feel like they need to pee. This is because the area is closely located to the bladder. Other women and men complain that despite numerous attempts to stimulate this area, they do not experience orgasm.

Many women cannot achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation. If you have struggled to experience orgasm with the g-spot, it is best to use techniques that focus on the clitoris. In fact, recent research has suggested that the g-spot may just be an extension of the clitoris, as the clitoris extends well beyond the small tip that can be seen by the naked eye.

In order to get an orgasm, don't focus too much on what other people say should work. Explore your own body initially, and find out which touches cause a response. Every woman is different in what works for her. Create a setting that makes you feel comfortable and erotic. Take time to fantasize and work together with your partner to create an excellent sexual experience. What is most important is to find out what works for you and be fully present in the moment.

For more information, or to set an appointment, please contact St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC at 314-973-7997.

What can you do about premature ejaculation?

1) Masturbation using the Stop/Start Method can be a helpful tool to practice going longer. Initially, a man can practice by masturbating and noticing when he hits the point of no return. As he becomes more aware of this point, he can stop masturbating right before this point and relax for a while before continuing. If a man can practice this several times, he will get better at going longer. This method works best when a partner is eventually brought in to practice the method on the man. That way, he can also get used to her touch not setting him off.

2) A cock ring can be used to help a man maintain an erection for a longer period of time. A cock ring helps by keeping the blood in the penis for a longer period of time. However, it is important not to use a cock ring for more than 30 minutes at a time-constricting the blood flow of any body part long term can cause harm.

3) For some men, using a condom can help because is causes some desensitization.

4) When a man is willing to put more effort into foreplay such as massage, kisses, oral sex, and toys, his partner can still feel satisfied with the sexual experience. The important piece is to make sure each partner is satisfied with the sexual encounter. The variety of means for accomplishing this are endless.

For more information or to make an appointment, contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.

What resources are available for treating pain during sex?

1)      Seek the opinion of your gynecologist. Some pain conditions can easily be treated with medicine or a lubrication that can be prescribed.

2)      When medication is still not helping, you may need to seek help with a Physical Therapist who specializes in pelvic floor work. A pelvic floor PT can help by giving muscle strengthening exercises, reducing the pain response, and giving you relaxation techniques. http://www.oprah.com/health/Womens-Health-Physical-Therapy-Pelvic-Floor-Rehab/1

3)      Some pain responses also have a psychological component. For example, a woman may receive both physical therapy and medication, but still have anxiety about pain during intercourse. Some couples experience relationship problems as a result of the condition. In these cases, it can be helpful to seek a Sex Therapist or Couples Therapist with a focus in Sex Therapy. http://www.therapistinstlouis.com/

4)      In more severe cases of pain during sex, it is often helpful to work with a combination of your gynecologist, physical therapist, and a Sex Therapist. Using combined treatment offers the most promising results.

If you have more questions or you would like to make an appointment, please visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com or call 314-973-7997.

New Sexy Things to Try

1)      Use positive directions during sex-“I like that.” “It feels really good when you touch me here.” “I like it softer/harder.” “It feels even more intense when you move- left/right/up/down/faster/slower.”

2)      Talk dirty-suggest unique ideas while you are having sex-“Would you like to do a 69?” “I want to be on top!”

3)      Initiate sex-Take charge of your sexuality!

4)      Play sex games-“Truth or Dare.” Dice Game.

5)      Try out sex toys-vibrators, cock rings, anal toys, nipple clamps, etc.

6)      Role Playing-Nurse and Doctor, One Night Stand, Police Officer and Convict.

7)      Take a massage class together.

8)      No sex allowed-Do everything but sex and see how creative you can get.

9)      Anal Sex-Start with small vibrators or butt plugs and always lubricate since the anus does not have natural lubrication.

10)  Take a Tantra Workshop or go on an intimate couples retreat.

Tips for Bringing up Sexy Ideas with Your Partner

1)      Read a sexy book together out loud. Good books-Guide to Getting it On, by Paul Joannides, The Better Sex Guide, by Nitya Lacroix, Over 100 Truly Astonishing Sex Tips, by Lisa Sussman, Just Fuck Me, by Eve Kingsley.

2)      Watch sexy videos together-Sinclair Institute, Pirates, HBO-Real Sex.

3)      Ask open ended questions-“Would you be interested in . . .?” “Have you ever . . . ?” “What’s your favorite position?” “What really turns you on?”

4)      Ask more directly for what you want-“Can we try oral sex tonight?” “I really love it when you …, can we do it again tonight?”

5)      Go to a sex store together or host a Pure Romance party. 

Keeping the Romance in your Relationship

1)      Make it a priority-schedule weekend date nights and alone time during the week.

2)      Create couples rituals that you practice daily.

3)      Touch each other every day-kissing, hugs, cuddling, holding hands, massaging, high fives, wrestling, whatever you enjoy.

4)      Flirt-leave sweet notes for each other, joke around, make suggestive comments, and learn to be playful.

5)      Show appreciation and encouragement-“Thank you so much for. .” “I love it when . . .” "It really turns me on how you . . ."

6)      Take time away together.

Erection Problems

What are some common causes for Erectile Dysfunction?
1) Certain medications can lead to problems either getting or maintaining an erection. http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/guide/drugs-linked-erectile-dysfunction
2) Medical illnesses or physical injuries can lead to temporary or permanent problems. Some of these may include kidney disease, cardiovascular disease, and multiple sclerosis. http://www.mckinley.illinois.edu/handouts/erectile_dysfunction.html
3) Stress and lifestyle can contribute to erection problems. If a man is over-worked, exhausted, and constantly under stress, there may be lifestyle changes that can help.
4) Smoking, drugs, and alcohol can also lead to problems with erections.
5) Relationship problems-when couples are constantly struggling to get along, it can be difficult for a man to perform sexually. The book “Coping with Erectile Dysfunction,” by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy is a helpful tool.http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Erectile-Dysfunction-Regain-Confidence/dp/1572243864

If you are struggling with this problem and would like to make an appointment, please visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

Pain during Sex

Why do some women experience pain during sex?

1) After menopause, some women experience pain due to thinning of the vaginal walls, less lubrication, and less elasticity. http://www.premarinvaginalcream.com/vaginal-atrophy-symptoms.aspx?source=google&HBX_PK=s_sex++pain+during&o=75824775|251525866|0&skwid=43700003140864608

2) After receiving an episiotomy while giving birth, some women get scar tissue that leaves the vaginal walls tight and painful. http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/Pages/episiotomy.aspx

3) Some women experience a condition called vaginismus or dyspareunia which is painful condition that can prevent couples from consummating their marriage. http://www.vaginismus.com/?gclid=CPS6j_X6_rUCFcZFMgoddjIA3g

http://www.aafp.org/afp/2001/0415/p1535.html

4) A urinary tract infection, kidney infection, or yeast infection can temporarily make sex uncomfortable if left untreated.

5) Vulvodynia, a chronic pain condition, can cause pain during sex. http://www.nva.org/

For more information or the schedule an appointment, visit Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at www.TherapistinStLouis.com