Sometimes I don’t get orgasms with my partner, is this normal?

Yes, it is normal. It is not necessary to have an orgasm in order to have good sex. It is necessary to have the ability to accept differences in you and your partner’s sexual response. Both males and females experience sex in different ways. You can enjoy sex by being present and enjoying the moment whether or not either of you has an orgasm.

It is important to have a dialogue about what is going on when you are not having an orgasm. Many individuals find it helpful to say directly, “Let’s make tonight about you,” when they know they aren't going to have an orgasm. Other things to say can include, “I want to enjoy the sex for what it is and it’s okay if I don’t get to orgasm this time.” In the first scenario, the person is not interested in being the focus of attention and may just not be in the mood to do all the work to get an orgasm. In the second scenario, someone may be enjoying the act of sex but not able to get to the next level during this sexual experience.  Both options are fine as long as both partners are happy with what they are doing. Talking about it ahead of time can also be helpful. In a less stressful time couples can discuss sex more directly.

If you never feel like you are getting orgasms with your partner, this is likely going to be a problem long term. In order to get better orgasms: experiment with yourself. Learn what it takes to make you have an orgasm. Try this with your hand first instead of a vibrator because it is difficult to mimic the movements of a vibrator with a hand or tongue.

Then invite your partner in. Show your partner how you like to be touched by having them watch first. Then, have him/her put their hand over your hand as you explore yourself. This gives them an idea of how to practice touching you. Remember to be direct with them and tell them exactly what feels good. After some practice, your partner should be able to give you some orgasms.

Some helpful books to reference about getting orgasms include Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman, For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach, and The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.