Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 3

Another pro for polyamory is something called new relationship energy. This is the excitement that one experiences when starting a new relationship. It is hard to mimic this energy in old long standing relationships. In some ways, monogamists can create moments or times when it feels like that old spark is back, but if not constantly worked on, most relationships will go back to status quo or worse start heading down hill.

A great number of couples are in sexless marriages. Newsweek reports that anywhere from 15-20% of couples are living in sexless marriages. (It is important to note that some couples are happy living in sexless marriages). For those couples who are seeking a romance or the excitement that came towards the beginning of their relationship, polyamory could feel like a good option. 

In some ways, polys are doing what the rest of the population is doing. In her article from “Promise to Promiscuity,” by Hara Marano, she cites that over 50% of people are cheating throughout their lifetimes. While we monogamists tout that this is the best way to go, in some ways, our actions do not follow our words. Polys believe that interest in other partners is a normal variation to relationships. They unmask some of these behaviors by taking an honest approach about alternate relationships. They would rather be open with each other than to lie and cheat behind each other’s backs. 

For those considering polyamory as an option, first decide whether or not you are trying to fix a relationship that may be close to divorce. Polyamory is pretty complicated at times. If you really were ready for a divorce, I am not sure if polyamory is the magic cure that will change things. You may also try it for a short period with the understanding that if things get worse, you will cease and desist. However, if you do so, understand that this could be the final step in your divorce. 

If the relationship is relatively stable, and you both have open minds to this style of relationship, then educate yourselves before moving forward. The book the Ethical Slut, Polyamory Many Loves, and What does Polyamory look Like can be helpful books. You can also address some of these issues in therapy.

For those people who prefer to be monogamous, you can work on creating the old spark. However, it does take intentional work on your part. Plenty of couples re-create the old feelings at times by doing some of the very things that couples do at the beginning of a relationship. For example, going out on dates, thinking about your partner through the week, dressing up just for them, and putting your best foot forward. When we dated, we did these things naturally. Sometimes married couples forget how important the basics really are. 

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist (Expected November 2013). She runs St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice focused in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.