What does healthy sexuality look like? What is normal? Part 1.

This is difficult question. Due to the nature of our society and the way we view sex, there tends to be several definitions of what is unhealthy sexually, but very few healthy definitions. The DSM is a basic tool that sex therapists use to define unhealthy behaviors. However, even within the DSM, there are varying beliefs about what is acceptable and not acceptable. For example, BDSM is a life style for some people, but Sadism and Masochism is included as a mental health diagnosis.

To start, anything listed in the DSM as a sexual deviance, is only considered a problem if it is negatively affecting your relationship, your school functioning, your job functioning, or your mental well being. If you are engaging in Sadism, and it has no negative effects, you may just be a normal human being enjoying a unique and erotic sexual experience.

There are a couple of helpful rules to consider about what healthy sexuality looks like. These rules include: consent, honesty, mutual pleasure, shared values, non-exploitation, and protection against unwanted pregnancy or STDs (Adapted from Michael Vigorito and Doug Braun Harvey's Sexual Health Model).

To break these down, first look at consent. All people involved in the sexual act must be of age and legal capability to consent to the act. This is defined by your state. In Missouri, the age of consent is 17. In other states it may be different. Check with your state and understand that not following these rules can result in jail time. Other factors to consider with consent include mental capacity, and being alert and awake during the act (a person cannot consent if they are sleeping or unconscious).

Second, let’s look at honesty. The partners involved are very clear about what is happening or not happening sexually. If you are in an open relationship, you are clear with the other person that the sexual relationship is shared and non exclusive. If you are only planning to have a one night stand, you are honest about that and not putting up a charade about expecting a long term relationship.

Factors to consider include: Affairs (dishonest) or hiding of sexual behaviors that could affect your partner. An example of this is porn. Many individuals watch porn together and individually. However, if one partner hides this from the other partner, they feel betrayed. In a healthy relationship, you are honest with each other about your sexual interests, and you both agree to what is acceptable or not acceptable in the relationship. If one person is too strict for the other, then it can be a viable option to find another partner to share your sexual interests with.

The second part of this article will be published next Friday, September 6, 2013. Tune in next week!

To make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

I’ve never tried anal sex. What is a good way to start?

First, decide whether or not you truly want to try this. Not every relationship requires this to have a good sex life. Make sure you’re doing it because you want to try it not because you feel like you have to. The best way to try this out is to first have a conversation with your partner about what you want to do, how you would like to try it, and what you need from them to feel safe and taken care of. It can also be helpful if you experiment by yourself before trying this out with a partner.

Before starting anal sex it is important to be very horny. Don’t go straight into anal. This will make the experience more enjoyable. You should spend plenty of time on foreplay such as kissing, touching, oral sex, possibly vaginal sex to start, sharing fantasies, and other types that really get you in the mood. Make sure the anus is clean before getting started.

When you are very horny and ready to try out some anal play, start by touching softly around that area on the outside of the anus with a finger, tongue, or a very small butt plug. This will help you get comfortable and get the nerve endings in the anus firing. Be very direct with your partner, let them know how fast to go, when it’s okay to insert something, and remember to relax.

Next, insert either a pinky finger or a small butt plug. Be sure the finger or butt plug is well lubricated as the anus does not have its own lubrication system. Silicone lubricant can be very helpful as it lasts longer. However, use water based lubricant if using silicone toys.

If it gets painful, it’s perfectly fine to ask to stop and do something else. You may also ask your partner to slow down so you can relax, or even to stimulate another area during anal penetration to make it feel better. It can be very sexy to stimulate the clitoris or the penis at the same time you are engaging in anal play.

If you had fun with the smaller object, you can slowly work towards bigger objects, but not in the same session. It is good to get used to the smallest object and slowly work your way up to bigger objects such as a penis. When you do start using a penis, it can be helpful to start out on top. This way you can control the intensity of the movements, how quickly the penis is inserted, and it helps open up the rectum more naturally.

Remember that while anal sex can be a fun piece of your sex relationship, you should still have a wide variety of other options.

For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or www.TherapistinStLouis.com.

I found porn on my 11 year old son’s computer. How should parents handle this?

Every kid experiments with sex at different ages. It is typical for boys and girls to get curious about sex around the ages of puberty which can range from ages 10 to 11 for girls and 11 to 12 for boys. Long ago, kids had to work a little harder to find pornographic images. They might find a magazine under a dad’s bed or have an older teenage friend or brother who passed down a magazine. These days, porn is much easier to track down and find online, often for free.

The important thing to remember is that porn by itself is not necessarily harmful. Plenty of men and women of a variety of ages have looked at porn with little to no consequences. Some people even report they learned a few things about how to give oral sex or how to try new sexy things with their partner. I even know couples who watch porn together before sex to get in the mood.

With that being said, parents should talk to their kids when they find out about porn usage or if they catch their kids masturbating. These are considered teachable moments. Be very neutral and if you can muster it, try to be positive about sex. Your child is developing their views and values at this time, and you don’t want them to see sex as shameful or dirty.

Parents who take a very reactive or punishing approach to sex typically get kids who won’t talk to them again. These kids find ways to hide their actions or get information from less accurate sources such as teenage friends, porn, or even guessing.

Opportunities like this can be a great way to teach our kids about important sexual concepts. You may discuss some of your values regarding sex or ask your child what they have learned about sex either from the videos or from friends. Typically, kids have some gaps in knowledge, and this can be a helpful step in addressing those gaps. For example, porn often shows people who get right to the point, whereas real sex is much better when you take your time with foreplay and romance.

Some important questions you may ask include: What have you learned about sex? What do other kids say about it? Have you ever tried anything with yourself? With another person? What was it like? What do you want to know more about? Again, remain neutral and take a positive approach. The point is not to try to catch them and punish them for doing something wrong. Sexual exploration is normal and common.

Once you have a dialogue, you can begin to explain boundaries you would like to see your child follow. For example, if they are masturbating, you can suggest they do so in the privacy of their bedroom or the bathroom shower. Depending on how you feel about porn, you may either suggest they limit their time using it or that they don’t show those images to other siblings. You may also suggest they wait to look at porn again until they are older, but then get them an educational book about sex such as “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Harris and Emberley.

Kids who are educated about sex by their parents often make better decisions regarding their relationships and love lives. Providing a neutral and positive atmosphere helps kids feel safe to bring up topics with you when they have bigger issues to work through such as deciding to have sex for the first time. After having such a conversation, you can even say, “we know that you will have more decisions to make about sex in the future. We ask that when the time comes, you discuss it with us. We want to help you figure things out.”

You may be surprised by how much your kid already knows. If your child initially reacts fearfully or tries to avoid the conversation, you can still open the door to having future conversations by saying, “It’s okay if you are not ready to discuss this now. However, we would like to have more conversations with you in the future. We care about you and we are here if you have any questions.”

If you would like to make an appointment please call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.