What does healthy sexuality look like? What is normal? Part 1.

This is difficult question. Due to the nature of our society and the way we view sex, there tends to be several definitions of what is unhealthy sexually, but very few healthy definitions. The DSM is a basic tool that sex therapists use to define unhealthy behaviors. However, even within the DSM, there are varying beliefs about what is acceptable and not acceptable. For example, BDSM is a life style for some people, but Sadism and Masochism is included as a mental health diagnosis.

To start, anything listed in the DSM as a sexual deviance, is only considered a problem if it is negatively affecting your relationship, your school functioning, your job functioning, or your mental well being. If you are engaging in Sadism, and it has no negative effects, you may just be a normal human being enjoying a unique and erotic sexual experience.

There are a couple of helpful rules to consider about what healthy sexuality looks like. These rules include: consent, honesty, mutual pleasure, shared values, non-exploitation, and protection against unwanted pregnancy or STDs (Adapted from Michael Vigorito and Doug Braun Harvey's Sexual Health Model).

To break these down, first look at consent. All people involved in the sexual act must be of age and legal capability to consent to the act. This is defined by your state. In Missouri, the age of consent is 17. In other states it may be different. Check with your state and understand that not following these rules can result in jail time. Other factors to consider with consent include mental capacity, and being alert and awake during the act (a person cannot consent if they are sleeping or unconscious).

Second, let’s look at honesty. The partners involved are very clear about what is happening or not happening sexually. If you are in an open relationship, you are clear with the other person that the sexual relationship is shared and non exclusive. If you are only planning to have a one night stand, you are honest about that and not putting up a charade about expecting a long term relationship.

Factors to consider include: Affairs (dishonest) or hiding of sexual behaviors that could affect your partner. An example of this is porn. Many individuals watch porn together and individually. However, if one partner hides this from the other partner, they feel betrayed. In a healthy relationship, you are honest with each other about your sexual interests, and you both agree to what is acceptable or not acceptable in the relationship. If one person is too strict for the other, then it can be a viable option to find another partner to share your sexual interests with.

The second part of this article will be published next Friday, September 6, 2013. Tune in next week!

To make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.