This will be the conclusion of our discussion about what makes a healthy sex life. Over the last few weeks, we have discussed a model for healthy sexuality created by Barry Metz and Michael McCarthy that explores 12 basic principles for a healthy sexual relationship. Today, we discuss the last three principles or the Good Enough Sex Model.
Principle 10: Gender differences are respectfully valued and mutually accepted (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Whether we like it or not, there are some clear gender differences couples may experience when navigating their sex life. Men tend to have a higher desire than women. Women tend to want more foreplay or even nonsexual touch. To some degree, everyone has different expectations for how much sex should happen daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and what that sex should look like.
While these gender differences do exist, it is also very important to understand and accept who your own partner uniquely is and how they are designed. For example, the expectation that men should have a higher sex drive leaves men with lower sex drives feeling as though they are broken in some way. The women in relationships with lower desire men tend to question their own beauty or ability to attract their mate. This cycle causes huge problems when it might have been best to just learn to understand each others differences from the beginning.
Another problem is when an individual is expecting their partner to react to things sexually in the same way that "most" women or men have reacted to the same thing. For example, a man may give oral sex to his current partner, she doesn't like it, and he says, "All my other girlfriends liked it. What's wrong with you?" While there are some similarities in gender, each person has their own unique sexual interests. It is important to respect and accept those differences whether or not they fit into the stereotypical gender norm.
Principle 11: Sex is integrated into real life and real life integrated into sex. Partners ensure a regular frequency of sex. Sexuality is developing, growing, and evolving throughout life (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This principle covers a lot of ground. To start, sex cannot be sectioned off in life to a point that it has no place in life. For example, I have heard of people putting very strict boundaries around sex such as, "It can only happen after 9pm, when kids are asleep or away from the house entirely, on weekends, if I am not too tired." Oh, and also, "No flirting or touching me in between those times."
This type of relationship inevitably will have problems because people need some level of affection and connection whether or not it is perfect. In real life, it is okay to quietly flirt with or kiss your partner even with the kids watching TV in front of you. It is also okay if every once in a while when you are having sex, one of you gets a little distracted because you are worried about work tomorrow.
The key to a successful blend is learning not to take things personally and to be open. Don't take it personally when someone gets a little distracted. Use it as an opportunity to either check in with your partner, "Hey, do you want to talk about it?" or use it as an opportunity to attract your partner's affections in a flirty fun way. "Does your work let you do this?" she says while going down on her partner.
In the next portion of the principle, it states that both partners ensure regular sex. Understand that each of you needs to initiate sex with your partner. It hurts to feel like you are the only one who cares about your sex life. If you haven't initiated in a while, do so tonight. I encourage my couples to each individually try to initiate with their partner once weekly.
Always try to learn and grow sexually with each other. There are so many unique and fun ways to explore sex. If one thing is getting old, try something new and shake things up.
Principle 12: Sexuality is personalized. It can be playful, spiritual, "special." Sex has meaning (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This is truly my favorite principle. Find a way to make your sex life meaningful to you. There is no right or wrong to this answer. Just find a way to be happy with your partner and make your love life a priority.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist runs a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
What is Healthy Sex-Part 3
This week, we continue to go over the "Good Enough Sex Model" developed by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. This model gives couple's clear examples for how to create a healthy sex life.
Principle 7: Valuing variable, flexible sexual experiences (the "85 percent approach") and abandoning the "Need" for perfect performance inoculates the couple against sexual dysfunction by reducing performance pressure, fears of failure, and rejection (Metz and McCarty, 2007).
The 85 percent approach refers to what real sex lives normally look like among couples. For starters, 15 percent of a couples sexual encounters tend to be down right dysfunctional. One time someone gets whisky dick. Another time, a kid interrupts by screaming, "I peed the bed!" Another time, someone just can't get an orgasm. The sex is feeling good, they just aren't hitting their peak orgasm. If these interferences are happening 15% of the time or less, you are actually a normal couple.
As for the other 85 percent, sex can be anywhere from a 1 to a 10 on the scale of how awesome the sex turns out. Sometimes you have sex, and it felt more like a 3 or 4. It was good, but it was nothing too memorable. Other times, it hits a 5 or 6 and you say, "Hey, that was pretty nice." Sometimes, you do hit a 10, and it's the best orgasm you could have imagined. Most couples will not hit a 10 every time they have sex.
The key is to bring a good attitude and enjoy whatever sex you end up with. The attitude to bring is, "I am going to have a good time no matter what it turns out to be."
Principle 8: The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple's relationship. Sex for only one purpose for long periods of time undermines flexibility and creates risk of dysfunction and/or stress. The five purposes are pleasure, intimacy, stress reduction, self esteem, and procreation (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The pleasure purpose includes having sex to feel good and/or to get an orgasm. The intimacy purpose refers to people who just want to feel close and connected to their partner. The stress reduction purpose includes people who feel sex reduces their stress or tension. For example, some couples will have sex after an argument to reduce tension between the two of them.
The self-esteem purpose includes having sex to feel confident, beautiful, desired, or an increased sense of self worth. Of course, the procreation purpose refers to those couples who plan sex strategically to have a baby.
Couples do not need to have sex for the same reason. Tammy may be having sex because she wants to feel close to her partner. While Jesse is having sex because it makes him feel confident as a man to feel desired. As long as both partners are getting what they want, the sex will be enjoyable. It's important to get something out of sex for yourself.
Principle 9: Integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles-partner interaction, self entrancement, and role enactment (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Partner interaction includes laughing, talking together and interacting during sex. Self entrancement involves going into your head and just enjoying the sensations or touch as you experience them. There is less talking and more focus on the feelings present. Role enactment is the more experimental style. In this style, couples engage in role play, use sex toys, or try new things.
All arousal styles are important and it is good to use them to spice up your love life. You don't have to use all three every time, but is important to have a balance of each in your love life.
Tune in next week for the 3 final principles for a healthy sex life!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in Couples and Sex Therapy. Angela Skurtu is also writing and will professionally publish a book about Pre-Marital counseling in the next year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 7: Valuing variable, flexible sexual experiences (the "85 percent approach") and abandoning the "Need" for perfect performance inoculates the couple against sexual dysfunction by reducing performance pressure, fears of failure, and rejection (Metz and McCarty, 2007).
The 85 percent approach refers to what real sex lives normally look like among couples. For starters, 15 percent of a couples sexual encounters tend to be down right dysfunctional. One time someone gets whisky dick. Another time, a kid interrupts by screaming, "I peed the bed!" Another time, someone just can't get an orgasm. The sex is feeling good, they just aren't hitting their peak orgasm. If these interferences are happening 15% of the time or less, you are actually a normal couple.
As for the other 85 percent, sex can be anywhere from a 1 to a 10 on the scale of how awesome the sex turns out. Sometimes you have sex, and it felt more like a 3 or 4. It was good, but it was nothing too memorable. Other times, it hits a 5 or 6 and you say, "Hey, that was pretty nice." Sometimes, you do hit a 10, and it's the best orgasm you could have imagined. Most couples will not hit a 10 every time they have sex.
The key is to bring a good attitude and enjoy whatever sex you end up with. The attitude to bring is, "I am going to have a good time no matter what it turns out to be."
Principle 8: The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple's relationship. Sex for only one purpose for long periods of time undermines flexibility and creates risk of dysfunction and/or stress. The five purposes are pleasure, intimacy, stress reduction, self esteem, and procreation (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The pleasure purpose includes having sex to feel good and/or to get an orgasm. The intimacy purpose refers to people who just want to feel close and connected to their partner. The stress reduction purpose includes people who feel sex reduces their stress or tension. For example, some couples will have sex after an argument to reduce tension between the two of them.
The self-esteem purpose includes having sex to feel confident, beautiful, desired, or an increased sense of self worth. Of course, the procreation purpose refers to those couples who plan sex strategically to have a baby.
Couples do not need to have sex for the same reason. Tammy may be having sex because she wants to feel close to her partner. While Jesse is having sex because it makes him feel confident as a man to feel desired. As long as both partners are getting what they want, the sex will be enjoyable. It's important to get something out of sex for yourself.
Principle 9: Integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles-partner interaction, self entrancement, and role enactment (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Partner interaction includes laughing, talking together and interacting during sex. Self entrancement involves going into your head and just enjoying the sensations or touch as you experience them. There is less talking and more focus on the feelings present. Role enactment is the more experimental style. In this style, couples engage in role play, use sex toys, or try new things.
All arousal styles are important and it is good to use them to spice up your love life. You don't have to use all three every time, but is important to have a balance of each in your love life.
Tune in next week for the 3 final principles for a healthy sex life!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in Couples and Sex Therapy. Angela Skurtu is also writing and will professionally publish a book about Pre-Marital counseling in the next year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
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