This will be the conclusion of our discussion about what makes a healthy sex life. Over the last few weeks, we have discussed a model for healthy sexuality created by Barry Metz and Michael McCarthy that explores 12 basic principles for a healthy sexual relationship. Today, we discuss the last three principles or the Good Enough Sex Model.
Principle 10: Gender differences are respectfully valued and mutually accepted (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Whether we like it or not, there are some clear gender differences couples may experience when navigating their sex life. Men tend to have a higher desire than women. Women tend to want more foreplay or even nonsexual touch. To some degree, everyone has different expectations for how much sex should happen daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and what that sex should look like.
While these gender differences do exist, it is also very important to understand and accept who your own partner uniquely is and how they are designed. For example, the expectation that men should have a higher sex drive leaves men with lower sex drives feeling as though they are broken in some way. The women in relationships with lower desire men tend to question their own beauty or ability to attract their mate. This cycle causes huge problems when it might have been best to just learn to understand each others differences from the beginning.
Another problem is when an individual is expecting their partner to react to things sexually in the same way that "most" women or men have reacted to the same thing. For example, a man may give oral sex to his current partner, she doesn't like it, and he says, "All my other girlfriends liked it. What's wrong with you?" While there are some similarities in gender, each person has their own unique sexual interests. It is important to respect and accept those differences whether or not they fit into the stereotypical gender norm.
Principle 11: Sex is integrated into real life and real life integrated into sex. Partners ensure a regular frequency of sex. Sexuality is developing, growing, and evolving throughout life (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This principle covers a lot of ground. To start, sex cannot be sectioned off in life to a point that it has no place in life. For example, I have heard of people putting very strict boundaries around sex such as, "It can only happen after 9pm, when kids are asleep or away from the house entirely, on weekends, if I am not too tired." Oh, and also, "No flirting or touching me in between those times."
This type of relationship inevitably will have problems because people need some level of affection and connection whether or not it is perfect. In real life, it is okay to quietly flirt with or kiss your partner even with the kids watching TV in front of you. It is also okay if every once in a while when you are having sex, one of you gets a little distracted because you are worried about work tomorrow.
The key to a successful blend is learning not to take things personally and to be open. Don't take it personally when someone gets a little distracted. Use it as an opportunity to either check in with your partner, "Hey, do you want to talk about it?" or use it as an opportunity to attract your partner's affections in a flirty fun way. "Does your work let you do this?" she says while going down on her partner.
In the next portion of the principle, it states that both partners ensure regular sex. Understand that each of you needs to initiate sex with your partner. It hurts to feel like you are the only one who cares about your sex life. If you haven't initiated in a while, do so tonight. I encourage my couples to each individually try to initiate with their partner once weekly.
Always try to learn and grow sexually with each other. There are so many unique and fun ways to explore sex. If one thing is getting old, try something new and shake things up.
Principle 12: Sexuality is personalized. It can be playful, spiritual, "special." Sex has meaning (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This is truly my favorite principle. Find a way to make your sex life meaningful to you. There is no right or wrong to this answer. Just find a way to be happy with your partner and make your love life a priority.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist runs a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
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