What have I noticed is that a great deal of long term couples neglect flirting, which is a very important aspect keeping to the spark alive. When sex begins to fall of the table, couples will argue with each other, avoid each other, blame each other, and even look for medical problems. I have said it before, no one wants to have sex with someone who is mean or bullying them.
Now granted, it is good to find out if you have medical problems, so I will encourage clients to check out hormone levels, dietary deficiencies, or medications that could be preventing desire.
Back to my original point, I find many couples will say they stopped flirting long ago-either because they don't need to, don't know how, or just expect that being married means you don't have to work for sex. This ideology is false and a contributor to sexless marriages.
What is flirting? Wikipedia explains that flirting involves verbal, written or body language that suggests a deeper interest in the other person. It goes on to say that most cultures do not find it socially acceptable to make sexual advances explicitly, so flirting is a means to indirectly make said advances.
Think about what makes flirting sexy. You are indirect. You are hinting at what you are thinking, but leaving the other person to guess and anticipate what may follow. I watch this terrible teenager show called Awkward. In a recent episode, a boy puts his hand on her arm. In her inner monologue, she asks all kinds of questions about his intentions. Does he like me? Is this me being silly? This is completely inappropriate-he knows I have a boyfriend. All the while, she is getting more and more turned on and having fantasies about him.
What makes flirting so exciting is the “not” knowing-The banter back and forth; the idea that sex is an option, but not necessarily going to happen. “I wasn’t trying to do anything.” Wink. This is why dating can be so thrilling. You have just met. Sex is not expectation necessarily, and you are free to be playful, sexy, and wild.
If you and your partner have stopped flirting or if you never knew how, take some time to learn and practice together as a couple. You can do an internet search to find out about different flirting styles, you can watch movies to see how the actors do it, and you can watch people around you, strangers or friends, in your local bar, restaurant, or on your favorite date night.
Some more concrete examples of flirting include touch such as holding an embrace for a little longer than you would usually; placing a hand at the small of your partner’s back and moving your fingers in a delicate massage; pulling an eyelash off their face and staring deeply into their eyes. Other non-touch flirts include innuendo, playful banter, flirty texts that suggest sexual interests, compliments, etc. An example of a compliment that can also be suggestive might be, “That dress is driving me wild for you.”
Experiment with different styles until you get confident with your own flirting ability. There is no perfect way to flirt, but a lack of flirting is definitely a problem. It’s hard to go from the days responsibilities to jumping into bed naturally. Flirting is a means to create that natural progression and to get the juices flowing. So flirt away!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist (Expected Dec. 2013). She owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that counsels couples and individuals. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
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