It's always surprising to me how many married couples say to me, "I feel like we are roommates." What causes this feeling? Part of it has to do with feeling like you have a balance of three different types of love within your relationship-friendship, lust, and family/commitment.
First let's describe these types of love in more detail. Friendship-this involves spending time together and wanting to have fun together. Think of any friendship you have that is good. Usually it is good because you invest time and energy into it. Now guys and girls are different in friendships. Often men will spend time doing things such as a project, a game, etc. Guys often seem a bit more hobby oriented.
When women spend time together, there may be something done, but they can also just sit together and talk. With women, you'll here them gossip, share deep secrets, talk about their stressors, and many more topics. They don't usually put as much emphasis on the doing as guys do.
When you are in a relationship, it is important to invest in your friendship. Since guys and girls do this very differently, it is important to remember that neither one is more effective than the other. Both ways are valid. It is helpful to take turns-sometimes spend time talking, and other times do a project together. That way each of you feels what you want is important. Make sure to do this regularly just as you would a friendship.
The second type of love is commitment love or a familial love. Often people who have been married for a very long time will feel very competent in this area. There are many ways to invest in a relationship and show your commitment to one another.
When you think of an example of family, consider a brother, sister, mother, father, etc. What do families do for each other? In healthy families, you are there for each other. There is an understanding that no matter what, you can count on the others. You may get into fights, but ultimately you will get over it and you will still be family.
Getting married is one way to show this. The act of standing in front of your friends and promising to be there for each other through thick and thin can feel very committing. However, there are other day to day things you can do to show commitment to one another. For example, checking in and asking your partner what they are doing before making your plans for the day. This can make your partner feel as though they are your first priority.
Other ways to show commitment are by being there for a person during rough times. A person who is non-committal usually leaves when times get rough. They don't stick it out. You can be there for a person after an argument by offering a hug or an apology. The very act of someone sticking around during and after a fight shows a great deal of commitment, because it could be just as easy to run out the door.
The third type of love is lust. Now lust seems to get a bad reputation in our world. Truth is, a great number of relationships in our culture are founded on a good deal of lust. Lust provides that sexy spark that is thrilling, exciting, enjoyable and just plain fun. Without lust, a friendship remains a friendship.
How does one invest in the lust in their relationship? You can do so by flirting, showing affection, talking about sex and what turns you on, dressing up and going out together, putting your best foot forward and trying to be a gentlemen or a lady, and many more ways. You can also do so by putting effort into keeping a healthy body-exercise, eating right, etc. The ultimate word to keep in mind it try. You may not always win when you try, but the very act of trying shows that you care.
In order to work on your own relationship, take a look at what makes you feel loved and what may be missing in your relationship. If there is an area that could use improvement, take initiative. Plan a date night is you need a little more lust. That includes getting the babysitter for the night. If you miss your friendship, find a hobby and spend some time on it together. Finally, if you need help, seek it. Everyone goes through rough times and it's better to do something about it than to see your relationship die.
Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focused in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, contact Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment