In any relationship, each partner will have different desire levels. Some people desire sex once a month, once a week, or three times a
week, while others desire it once a year. Clearly, there is a large variety of
sex drives.
When in a relationship with someone whose drive is lower
than yours, it is important to come up with options to make sure each person
feels satisfied. Couples need to discuss this openly and directly to come up
with the best options for themselves.
One idea may be to cuddle and kiss your partner while the
other person self-pleasures. Another idea could be that one partner is willing
to provide oral or manual stimulation to help their partner feel sexual. This
not only satisfies the high desire partner but can also give you a sense of
fulfillment by being able to provide pleasure to your partner. Another option
is for couples to come up with trade-offs. For example, one night, you ask your
partner to give you a full body massage in exchange for a blow job.
It is very important to feel as though there is a good
balance between sexual and non-sexual intimacy. If you feel pressured by the
higher desire partner, find a positive way to explain that you need some nights
to be focused on non-sexual touch such as kissing, cuddling on the couch or in bed,
or just holding hands. When a high desire partner is willing to engage in “no-pressure
for sex” nights, it is an important way for them to show respect and love.
Another important tip is to schedule specific times for sex.
Some couples don’t like this idea because they believe it takes the spontaneity
out of sex. However, in our busy worlds of kids, jobs, and everything else, if
you don’t schedule it, it may not happen. Try to schedule a least one date
night every other week where you know sex will be involved. That day before the sex date,
get thinking about sexy thoughts and flirting with each other to set the mood. This
can also be a great way to introduce a new sexy idea, because in the planning you
can talk about things you would like to try with each other. Planning can still
be sexy!
Finally, seek help if you are struggling. This is a common
problem and a Sex Therapist can help couples to find that balance so that both
partners feel happy, healthy, and loved.
For more information or to make an appointment, please
contact Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997 or to purchase tickets to one of her
seminars visit her website at St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC.
