If you ask anyone you know about therapy, you will receive a wide variety of responses, pros and cons, and either successes or horror stories. Why do people have such varying outcomes when it comes to therapy? Below is a the top 5 list for why therapy is unsuccessful.
1) One or both parties are not committed to making a change in the relationship.
I'm a therapist, not a miracle worker. Sometimes, a couple comes in and one or more persons involved really is done with the relationship. They are tired of trying. They don't really like their partner anymore. They are already making plans to divorce. The sad thing is that many couples see therapy as a last resort when their marriage is ready to fall apart. What they need to do is come about 2 or 3 years earlier when they are still trying and still care about one another.
2) Clients expect all the work to be done in the therapy session.
Most therapy sessions last anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours per session once weekly or every other week. Clients live most of their lives outside of the therapy session. So while it is helpful to have a therapist guide you through some tough topics, therapy is very limited in what can be accomplished. The people who are getting the most help are using therapy as a catalyst to start longer conversations in their every day lives. They are putting effort into date nights, and spending time alone talking and really trying to understand each other. All of this effort takes place in their day to day lives.
3) Clients are expecting a quick fix.
The hard reality of therapy is that sometimes things get worse before they get better. Usually the first few weeks of therapy can be very intense. Why? People are great at compartmentalizing their problems. It is highly likely that they have avoided bringing up certain conversations because they either start a fight or they go nowhere. In therapy, my job is to bring up tough issues. Essentially, I am stirring the pot. In the beginning, clients will see more arguments and they will sometimes withdraw. They will ask themselves: Why am I in therapy if things are getting worse? If you can just hang in there, after some initial pot stirring, things start to improve. Clients learn skills for how to listen and to be more respectful. Over time, they get better at communicating about tough topics. Finally, therapy is over and has been a success.
4) Clients are with the wrong therapist.
Therapists come with many different backgrounds and trainings. Some therapists are great with kids but hate working with couples. Some therapists love new age, holistic treatments, while others prefer reality checks that get you thinking. There's a therapist for every couple. Ask questions and interview potential therapists. If it feels like you get a good connection with the therapist over the phone, try a session out to see if both of you connect with the therapist. You just need to find the one that is right for you!
5) Clients don't make therapy a priority.
When a couple is in crisis, they need to make their relationship the primary goal. Too often, a couple will schedule one session a month and expect this will somehow magically alter their relationship. The reality is that many couples take this approach with their marriage. They put every other priority before it and expect it to stay healthy. A relationship needs constant work to maintain its strength. If you are expecting to keep your relationship on the back burner, at some point, it will burn out.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Her practice offers couples and sex therapy. She is also the author of the book, "Pre-Marital Counseling." This book is written for both clients and clinicians. It covers the 5 habits of successful relationships. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment