Affairs-A Practical Approach

One of the most common issues I deal with in therapy is couples getting over an affair. Affairs have a way of jarring people and shaking them to the core. For those who get involved in the affair, they question their marriage, their happiness, and even their choices overall in life. For people who have been cheated on, they report suffering PTSD like symptoms, they struggle to trust their partner, and suffer trying to put the pieces back together again.

There is no easy way to rebuild after an affair. As a therapist, I try to help people gain closure and figure out whether to stay in their relationships. If they do choose to stay, I help them take steps to rebuild trust and gain confidence in their interpersonal relationship.

My one wish is that it could be avoided for couples. In order to prevent this from occurring in your own relationship, there are a few steps you can take as a couple. Step 1, recognize you are capable of cheating. Anyone is capable. Whether you like it or not, you are a person who will likely find other people outside of your relationship attractive. Just because you find someone attractive, does not mean you need to act on it. It is natural to find others attractive and it is common to find a few people along the way that you could potentially develop a connection with. However, a new connection does not have to sever an old one.

Step 2, take steps to prevent affairs. Since you know it is possible, find ways to remove yourself or reduce contact with people who could pose a threat to your current relationship. For example, if you notice you find someone in your office attractive, avoid situations alone with them. These situations could include going out for cocktails, going on trips, or even just a friendly lunch. All of these situations can be potential starts of extramarital affairs.

Step 3, Invest in your current relationship. Often, people will say things weren't going well in their relationship when they found their affair partner. If you find yourself feeling distant or lonely in your relationship, do something about it. Spend more time together. Actively choose to think positive thoughts about your partner 4 times a day. Practice touching more both sexually and non-sexually. Commit to a daily cuddle time before bed. Explore new sexual horizons.

As always, seek counseling if the problems feel too big to solve on your own or if you are not sure what to do to make things better. Many people are already in decent relationships. We just take for granted what we have and forget to make our relationships a priority. There is always a chance to make a change for the better.

Angela Skurtu owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.