Every kid experiments with sex at different ages. It is
typical for boys and girls to get curious about sex around the ages of puberty
which can range from ages 10 to 11 for girls and 11 to 12 for boys. Long ago,
kids had to work a little harder to find pornographic images. They might find a
magazine under a dad’s bed or have an older teenage friend or brother who
passed down a magazine. These days, porn is much easier to track down and find
online, often for free.
The important thing to remember is that porn by itself is
not necessarily harmful. Plenty of men and women of a variety of ages have
looked at porn with little to no consequences. Some people even report they
learned a few things about how to give oral sex or how to try new sexy things
with their partner. I even know couples who watch porn together before sex to
get in the mood.
With that being said, parents should talk to their kids when
they find out about porn usage or if they catch their kids masturbating. These
are considered teachable moments. Be very neutral and if you can muster it, try
to be positive about sex. Your child is developing their views and values at
this time, and you don’t want them to see sex as shameful or dirty.
Parents who take a very reactive or punishing approach to
sex typically get kids who won’t talk to them again. These kids find ways to
hide their actions or get information from less accurate sources such as
teenage friends, porn, or even guessing.
Opportunities like this can be a great way to teach our kids
about important sexual concepts. You may discuss some of your values regarding
sex or ask your child what they have learned about sex either from the videos
or from friends. Typically, kids have some gaps in knowledge, and this can be a
helpful step in addressing those gaps. For example, porn often shows people who
get right to the point, whereas real sex is much better when you take your time
with foreplay and romance.
Some important questions you may ask include: What have you
learned about sex? What do other kids say about it? Have you ever tried
anything with yourself? With another person? What was it like? What do you want
to know more about? Again, remain neutral and take a positive approach. The
point is not to try to catch them and punish them for doing something wrong.
Sexual exploration is normal and common.
Once you have a dialogue, you can begin to explain
boundaries you would like to see your child follow. For example, if they are
masturbating, you can suggest they do so in the privacy of their bedroom or the
bathroom shower. Depending on how you feel about porn, you may either suggest
they limit their time using it or that they don’t show those images to other
siblings. You may also suggest they wait to look at porn again until they are
older, but then get them an educational book about sex such as “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Harris and Emberley.
Kids who are educated about sex by their parents often make
better decisions regarding their relationships and love lives. Providing a
neutral and positive atmosphere helps kids feel safe to bring up topics with
you when they have bigger issues to work through such as deciding to have sex
for the first time. After having such a conversation, you can even say, “we
know that you will have more decisions to make about sex in the future. We ask
that when the time comes, you discuss it with us. We want to help you figure
things out.”
You may be surprised by how much your kid already knows. If your
child initially reacts fearfully or tries to avoid the conversation, you can still
open the door to having future conversations by saying, “It’s okay if you are not
ready to discuss this now. However, we would like to have more conversations with
you in the future. We care about you and we are here if you have any questions.”
If you would like to make an appointment please call
314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
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