Polyamory-Honest Pros and Cons-Part 2

In the interest of taking a middle ground approach, I’d like to explore some pros and cons of polyamory as it relates to monogamy. The first pro is that polyamorists are expected to negotiate. Many have long conversations about what their expectations are going into the situation. Often there are agreed upon rules that may change over time. The key is to keep an open dialogue and be willing to work through jealousy or hurt feelings. A good resource for doing this is the 12 Pillars of Polyamory.

Several monogamists struggle with negotiation or even setting clear expectations with one another. Monogamists often feel caught between not wanting to appear jealous, and feeling madly jealous when their partner crosses some unspoken line such as flirting with another girl even if “nothing happened.” For monogamists, it could be helpful to have more spoken rules about where the boundaries lie.

I once had a client who switched from an open relationship to a closed relationship say to me, “At least in the open relationship, we openly discussed boundaries with outside relationships. Now, there is just tension when someone does it but no one says anything.”

To be clearer, a good start is to have a dialogue about boundaries in relationships whether you are in an open or closed relationship. Discuss what touch is okay such as hugs, kisses on the cheek, etc. Also discuss what types of touch are not okay such as lingering touch at the small of the back or a hand on a leg. Other boundaries to discuss include the difference between what is playful flirting, and when it feels like flirting crosses the line.

In an open relationship, when someone finds another person attractive, they discuss it and whether or not to pursue a relationship. In a closed relationship, it may be helpful to discuss how to handle a situation like this appropriately. It is natural to find others attractive. However, your partner may wish for you to avoid a person who you are attracted to in order to build trust. Contrarily, some other monogamous partner might say, you don’t need to avoid them, but make it clear to the other party that nothing will happen. 

Tune in next week for Part 3 of the Polyamory series.

Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Therapist working in the St. Louis area. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.