Developing Sexual Confidence

Several clients tell me they lack confidence in general, but more specifically sexual confidence. This can be very challenging because it leads to behaviors that can inhibit sex. Examples include 1) Keeping your clothes on during sex because you are insecure about your looks; 2) Avoiding bringing up a secret fantasy such as an interest in using sex toys; 3) An inability to tell your partner what you like in the moment. These example can lead couples to feel like they don't know their partner very well.


Confidence is a challenging issue because of where confidence comes from. You have to have a combination of internal belief in yourself as a worthy person and external validation from others that you are a worthy person.


First look inward. What self-talk is going on in your head? Are the things you say kind or very mean? My guess is that it is negative self talk such as 1) "You were so stupid just then!" 2) "Why should I even ask? Nobody will listen," 3) "I hate it when he sees my breasts! They are so ugly!"


When you recognize the negative self talk, practice replacing those words with positive or neutral self talk. Practice saying these things even if you don't believe it at first. Over time, you can begin to develop more self confidence. Examples 1) "My breasts are beautiful." 2) "My opinion can be helpful." 3) "I am smart."


Second, change your stance. Typically, people who lack confidence also stand and sit in positions that show powerlessness. You can use Power Poses to help yourself physically feel confident. Standing in very commanding positions that take up space for periods of time throughout the day helps people feel confident over time. Example: Stand like Wonder Woman for 5 minutes daily.


Third, change your appearance. When people feel down, they typically dress the part-wearing sweats, putting hair into a pony tail, etc. When you have your worst days, practice dressing for success. Put your best outfit on. Wear makeup. Every time you look in the mirror, you will feel better because you look good.


Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.