This will be the conclusion of our discussion about what makes a healthy sex life. Over the last few weeks, we have discussed a model for healthy sexuality created by Barry Metz and Michael McCarthy that explores 12 basic principles for a healthy sexual relationship. Today, we discuss the last three principles or the Good Enough Sex Model.
Principle 10: Gender differences are respectfully valued and mutually accepted (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Whether we like it or not, there are some clear gender differences couples may experience when navigating their sex life. Men tend to have a higher desire than women. Women tend to want more foreplay or even nonsexual touch. To some degree, everyone has different expectations for how much sex should happen daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and what that sex should look like.
While these gender differences do exist, it is also very important to understand and accept who your own partner uniquely is and how they are designed. For example, the expectation that men should have a higher sex drive leaves men with lower sex drives feeling as though they are broken in some way. The women in relationships with lower desire men tend to question their own beauty or ability to attract their mate. This cycle causes huge problems when it might have been best to just learn to understand each others differences from the beginning.
Another problem is when an individual is expecting their partner to react to things sexually in the same way that "most" women or men have reacted to the same thing. For example, a man may give oral sex to his current partner, she doesn't like it, and he says, "All my other girlfriends liked it. What's wrong with you?" While there are some similarities in gender, each person has their own unique sexual interests. It is important to respect and accept those differences whether or not they fit into the stereotypical gender norm.
Principle 11: Sex is integrated into real life and real life integrated into sex. Partners ensure a regular frequency of sex. Sexuality is developing, growing, and evolving throughout life (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This principle covers a lot of ground. To start, sex cannot be sectioned off in life to a point that it has no place in life. For example, I have heard of people putting very strict boundaries around sex such as, "It can only happen after 9pm, when kids are asleep or away from the house entirely, on weekends, if I am not too tired." Oh, and also, "No flirting or touching me in between those times."
This type of relationship inevitably will have problems because people need some level of affection and connection whether or not it is perfect. In real life, it is okay to quietly flirt with or kiss your partner even with the kids watching TV in front of you. It is also okay if every once in a while when you are having sex, one of you gets a little distracted because you are worried about work tomorrow.
The key to a successful blend is learning not to take things personally and to be open. Don't take it personally when someone gets a little distracted. Use it as an opportunity to either check in with your partner, "Hey, do you want to talk about it?" or use it as an opportunity to attract your partner's affections in a flirty fun way. "Does your work let you do this?" she says while going down on her partner.
In the next portion of the principle, it states that both partners ensure regular sex. Understand that each of you needs to initiate sex with your partner. It hurts to feel like you are the only one who cares about your sex life. If you haven't initiated in a while, do so tonight. I encourage my couples to each individually try to initiate with their partner once weekly.
Always try to learn and grow sexually with each other. There are so many unique and fun ways to explore sex. If one thing is getting old, try something new and shake things up.
Principle 12: Sexuality is personalized. It can be playful, spiritual, "special." Sex has meaning (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This is truly my favorite principle. Find a way to make your sex life meaningful to you. There is no right or wrong to this answer. Just find a way to be happy with your partner and make your love life a priority.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist runs a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
What is Healthy Sex-Part 3
This week, we continue to go over the "Good Enough Sex Model" developed by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. This model gives couple's clear examples for how to create a healthy sex life.
Principle 7: Valuing variable, flexible sexual experiences (the "85 percent approach") and abandoning the "Need" for perfect performance inoculates the couple against sexual dysfunction by reducing performance pressure, fears of failure, and rejection (Metz and McCarty, 2007).
The 85 percent approach refers to what real sex lives normally look like among couples. For starters, 15 percent of a couples sexual encounters tend to be down right dysfunctional. One time someone gets whisky dick. Another time, a kid interrupts by screaming, "I peed the bed!" Another time, someone just can't get an orgasm. The sex is feeling good, they just aren't hitting their peak orgasm. If these interferences are happening 15% of the time or less, you are actually a normal couple.
As for the other 85 percent, sex can be anywhere from a 1 to a 10 on the scale of how awesome the sex turns out. Sometimes you have sex, and it felt more like a 3 or 4. It was good, but it was nothing too memorable. Other times, it hits a 5 or 6 and you say, "Hey, that was pretty nice." Sometimes, you do hit a 10, and it's the best orgasm you could have imagined. Most couples will not hit a 10 every time they have sex.
The key is to bring a good attitude and enjoy whatever sex you end up with. The attitude to bring is, "I am going to have a good time no matter what it turns out to be."
Principle 8: The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple's relationship. Sex for only one purpose for long periods of time undermines flexibility and creates risk of dysfunction and/or stress. The five purposes are pleasure, intimacy, stress reduction, self esteem, and procreation (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The pleasure purpose includes having sex to feel good and/or to get an orgasm. The intimacy purpose refers to people who just want to feel close and connected to their partner. The stress reduction purpose includes people who feel sex reduces their stress or tension. For example, some couples will have sex after an argument to reduce tension between the two of them.
The self-esteem purpose includes having sex to feel confident, beautiful, desired, or an increased sense of self worth. Of course, the procreation purpose refers to those couples who plan sex strategically to have a baby.
Couples do not need to have sex for the same reason. Tammy may be having sex because she wants to feel close to her partner. While Jesse is having sex because it makes him feel confident as a man to feel desired. As long as both partners are getting what they want, the sex will be enjoyable. It's important to get something out of sex for yourself.
Principle 9: Integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles-partner interaction, self entrancement, and role enactment (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Partner interaction includes laughing, talking together and interacting during sex. Self entrancement involves going into your head and just enjoying the sensations or touch as you experience them. There is less talking and more focus on the feelings present. Role enactment is the more experimental style. In this style, couples engage in role play, use sex toys, or try new things.
All arousal styles are important and it is good to use them to spice up your love life. You don't have to use all three every time, but is important to have a balance of each in your love life.
Tune in next week for the 3 final principles for a healthy sex life!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in Couples and Sex Therapy. Angela Skurtu is also writing and will professionally publish a book about Pre-Marital counseling in the next year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 7: Valuing variable, flexible sexual experiences (the "85 percent approach") and abandoning the "Need" for perfect performance inoculates the couple against sexual dysfunction by reducing performance pressure, fears of failure, and rejection (Metz and McCarty, 2007).
The 85 percent approach refers to what real sex lives normally look like among couples. For starters, 15 percent of a couples sexual encounters tend to be down right dysfunctional. One time someone gets whisky dick. Another time, a kid interrupts by screaming, "I peed the bed!" Another time, someone just can't get an orgasm. The sex is feeling good, they just aren't hitting their peak orgasm. If these interferences are happening 15% of the time or less, you are actually a normal couple.
As for the other 85 percent, sex can be anywhere from a 1 to a 10 on the scale of how awesome the sex turns out. Sometimes you have sex, and it felt more like a 3 or 4. It was good, but it was nothing too memorable. Other times, it hits a 5 or 6 and you say, "Hey, that was pretty nice." Sometimes, you do hit a 10, and it's the best orgasm you could have imagined. Most couples will not hit a 10 every time they have sex.
The key is to bring a good attitude and enjoy whatever sex you end up with. The attitude to bring is, "I am going to have a good time no matter what it turns out to be."
Principle 8: The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple's relationship. Sex for only one purpose for long periods of time undermines flexibility and creates risk of dysfunction and/or stress. The five purposes are pleasure, intimacy, stress reduction, self esteem, and procreation (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The pleasure purpose includes having sex to feel good and/or to get an orgasm. The intimacy purpose refers to people who just want to feel close and connected to their partner. The stress reduction purpose includes people who feel sex reduces their stress or tension. For example, some couples will have sex after an argument to reduce tension between the two of them.
The self-esteem purpose includes having sex to feel confident, beautiful, desired, or an increased sense of self worth. Of course, the procreation purpose refers to those couples who plan sex strategically to have a baby.
Couples do not need to have sex for the same reason. Tammy may be having sex because she wants to feel close to her partner. While Jesse is having sex because it makes him feel confident as a man to feel desired. As long as both partners are getting what they want, the sex will be enjoyable. It's important to get something out of sex for yourself.
Principle 9: Integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles-partner interaction, self entrancement, and role enactment (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Partner interaction includes laughing, talking together and interacting during sex. Self entrancement involves going into your head and just enjoying the sensations or touch as you experience them. There is less talking and more focus on the feelings present. Role enactment is the more experimental style. In this style, couples engage in role play, use sex toys, or try new things.
All arousal styles are important and it is good to use them to spice up your love life. You don't have to use all three every time, but is important to have a balance of each in your love life.
Tune in next week for the 3 final principles for a healthy sex life!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in Couples and Sex Therapy. Angela Skurtu is also writing and will professionally publish a book about Pre-Marital counseling in the next year. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, April 25, 2014
What is healthy sex? Part 2
Today, we will look at the next 4 principles in the "Good Enough Sex" model. For those just joining us, the "Good Enough Sex" model is a model for sexual health created by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. Last week we covered the first two principles. This model consists of 12 healthy sexual principles to guide couples creating their own sex lives.
Principle 3: Accurate, realistic and age appropriate physiological, psychological, relationships and sexual expectations are essential for sexual satisfaction (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
While this principle is a good one, it can be difficult for couples to really understand what is considered accurate and realistic. These days with the internet, a variety of people have opinions about what sex should and should not look like. To be honest, there aren't very accurate representations for healthy sexual models in the media.
First, I think of our sexual health as a building process. For example, the things you did sexually as a teenager can still be very enjoyable as an adult. However, if you are still having sex in the exact same way as you did as a teenager every time, you could probably use some growth.
Sexuality is always moving and growing. It is helpful for individuals to continue to try new things and learn things about each other as a partner team. You may have a typical thing you do in the bedroom that you both enjoy, but every now and then add something new to see what you enjoy. From trying new things, you begin to understand more about yourself as a sexual beings.
As far as being age appropriate, I think it can also be healthy to understand how desire will change for the majority of people over time. For men, they typically experience a sexual peak in their late teens to early twenties, and slowly lose desire over time. For women, there are peaks and valleys. It is very typical for a woman's desire to plummet right after having children.
Understanding these differences can help couples to be more open and respectful of differences when they go through them.
Principle 4: Good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health. Each individual values, respects, and affirms his/her partner's sexual body (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The healthier you are as a person, the healthier you will be sexually. Sex requires your muscles to be in working order. People who maintain healthy lifestyles and stay in a healthy weight range will be able to enjoy their sexual lives much better than those people who are regular drinkers and smokers, or people who are obese. In general, take care of yourself if you want a good sex life long term.
In addition, it is still important to be respectful and loving towards your partner's body even if they are trying to lose weight. Women need their partner to tell them they are beautiful and men need their partner to find them handsome. You can affirm someone through words and actions. Rude or rough criticism helps no one.
Principle 5: Relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Relaxation is a primary requirement for individuals to enjoy sex. If you have ever been anxious or uncomfortable during sex, then you already know how difficult this makes it to truly enjoy what you are doing. For couples this involves setting a mood such as lighting candles, getting a babysitter, and just sitting down to talk. For others it may involve getting a couples massage or massaging each other. Whatever helps, take the time to relax.
Principle 6: Pleasure is as important as function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This final principle for today is an important one that many people struggle with. It you have ever had a function problem such as erectile disorder or orgasmic disorder, it makes it difficult to stay present or enjoy the moment. The challenge is that couples can enjoy sex whether or not they are perfectly functioning.
I encourage couples to make the most of every sexual encounter no matter how perfect or imperfect it turns out. Come into the experience with an attitude of, "I am going to enjoy whatever we do." Focus more on the pleasure and the function tends to come along for the ride.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 3: Accurate, realistic and age appropriate physiological, psychological, relationships and sexual expectations are essential for sexual satisfaction (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
While this principle is a good one, it can be difficult for couples to really understand what is considered accurate and realistic. These days with the internet, a variety of people have opinions about what sex should and should not look like. To be honest, there aren't very accurate representations for healthy sexual models in the media.
First, I think of our sexual health as a building process. For example, the things you did sexually as a teenager can still be very enjoyable as an adult. However, if you are still having sex in the exact same way as you did as a teenager every time, you could probably use some growth.
Sexuality is always moving and growing. It is helpful for individuals to continue to try new things and learn things about each other as a partner team. You may have a typical thing you do in the bedroom that you both enjoy, but every now and then add something new to see what you enjoy. From trying new things, you begin to understand more about yourself as a sexual beings.
As far as being age appropriate, I think it can also be healthy to understand how desire will change for the majority of people over time. For men, they typically experience a sexual peak in their late teens to early twenties, and slowly lose desire over time. For women, there are peaks and valleys. It is very typical for a woman's desire to plummet right after having children.
Understanding these differences can help couples to be more open and respectful of differences when they go through them.
Principle 4: Good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health. Each individual values, respects, and affirms his/her partner's sexual body (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
The healthier you are as a person, the healthier you will be sexually. Sex requires your muscles to be in working order. People who maintain healthy lifestyles and stay in a healthy weight range will be able to enjoy their sexual lives much better than those people who are regular drinkers and smokers, or people who are obese. In general, take care of yourself if you want a good sex life long term.
In addition, it is still important to be respectful and loving towards your partner's body even if they are trying to lose weight. Women need their partner to tell them they are beautiful and men need their partner to find them handsome. You can affirm someone through words and actions. Rude or rough criticism helps no one.
Principle 5: Relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Relaxation is a primary requirement for individuals to enjoy sex. If you have ever been anxious or uncomfortable during sex, then you already know how difficult this makes it to truly enjoy what you are doing. For couples this involves setting a mood such as lighting candles, getting a babysitter, and just sitting down to talk. For others it may involve getting a couples massage or massaging each other. Whatever helps, take the time to relax.
Principle 6: Pleasure is as important as function (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
This final principle for today is an important one that many people struggle with. It you have ever had a function problem such as erectile disorder or orgasmic disorder, it makes it difficult to stay present or enjoy the moment. The challenge is that couples can enjoy sex whether or not they are perfectly functioning.
I encourage couples to make the most of every sexual encounter no matter how perfect or imperfect it turns out. Come into the experience with an attitude of, "I am going to enjoy whatever we do." Focus more on the pleasure and the function tends to come along for the ride.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
What is healthy sex? Part 1
For the next few weeks, I am going to introduce an old model of sexual health called the Good Enough Sex Model by Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz. This model is extremely valuable in that it helps couples to develop a clearer understanding for what good sex can look like. It involves 12 principles for healthy sex.
Principle 1: Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long term comfort, intimacy, pleasure, and confidence. Eroticism is an intentional feature and the responsibility of each partner (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
For many couples, when their sex life goes, their relationship happiness goes. I have seen countless couples who struggle to find a middle ground regarding good sex. A good sex life does promote a connectedness like no other.
A key piece of information here is the part discussing eroticism. Couples who experience a good sex life intentionally make eroticism a part of their lives. Both parties are responsible for making things happen.
This may look different depending on which partner is trying to create the eroticism. For example, a woman who is trying to be erotic may try on new nighties and dress sexy for her husband. She may also try to come up with new ideas like bringing sex toys into the bedroom. A man may try to be erotic by sharing taboo fantasies, suggesting more oral sex, or just being more crass when he flirts with his partner.
There is not a perfect way to be erotic. It is just important to develop an openness to trying. It helps when couples have an attitude of "I'll try it once and see what happens." That openness to trying new things allows couples to explore a variety of sexual and erotic ideas. It doesn't mean you will continue to do everything you try. In fact, it is good to negotiate with your partner and be honest if something really doesn't work for you. However, that openness helps couples feel valued by their partner and helps couples develop a more interesting and fun sex life.
Principle 2: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an "intimate team" and together promote a vibrant balance of emotional intimacy and eroticism (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Couples who have good sex lives also have good relationships. As an "intimate team," couples do need a balance of intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy can include: 1) talking about deep conversations and light conversations; 2) Regularly spending time alone together with dates or hobbies; 3) Affection that is non-sexual or lightly sexual in nature such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Eroticism can include: 1) dirty talk or flirting; 2) Affection that is more sexual in nature such as French kissing or touching genitals; 3) Sex in general.
Couples need a good balance of both eroticism and intimacy. If sex is always erotic with no intimacy, many individuals report it feels like sex is all they are good for. I had one client say, "I feel like a prostitute to him." It is never a good thing for couples to ONLY touch each other when sex is involved. Sometimes, partners need touch for comfort or to feel connected with no strings attached.
At the same time, if the relationship is always focused on the intimacy side of things, couples begin to feel more like friends or roommates. If all touch is non-sexual, it can feel as though your partner is not attracted to you. It's important to create a healthy balance of both eroticism and intimacy.
We will discuss the next 10 principles over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.
Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the owner a private practice St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Principle 1: Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long term comfort, intimacy, pleasure, and confidence. Eroticism is an intentional feature and the responsibility of each partner (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
For many couples, when their sex life goes, their relationship happiness goes. I have seen countless couples who struggle to find a middle ground regarding good sex. A good sex life does promote a connectedness like no other.
A key piece of information here is the part discussing eroticism. Couples who experience a good sex life intentionally make eroticism a part of their lives. Both parties are responsible for making things happen.
This may look different depending on which partner is trying to create the eroticism. For example, a woman who is trying to be erotic may try on new nighties and dress sexy for her husband. She may also try to come up with new ideas like bringing sex toys into the bedroom. A man may try to be erotic by sharing taboo fantasies, suggesting more oral sex, or just being more crass when he flirts with his partner.
There is not a perfect way to be erotic. It is just important to develop an openness to trying. It helps when couples have an attitude of "I'll try it once and see what happens." That openness to trying new things allows couples to explore a variety of sexual and erotic ideas. It doesn't mean you will continue to do everything you try. In fact, it is good to negotiate with your partner and be honest if something really doesn't work for you. However, that openness helps couples feel valued by their partner and helps couples develop a more interesting and fun sex life.
Principle 2: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an "intimate team" and together promote a vibrant balance of emotional intimacy and eroticism (Metz and McCarthy, 2007).
Couples who have good sex lives also have good relationships. As an "intimate team," couples do need a balance of intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy can include: 1) talking about deep conversations and light conversations; 2) Regularly spending time alone together with dates or hobbies; 3) Affection that is non-sexual or lightly sexual in nature such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. Eroticism can include: 1) dirty talk or flirting; 2) Affection that is more sexual in nature such as French kissing or touching genitals; 3) Sex in general.
Couples need a good balance of both eroticism and intimacy. If sex is always erotic with no intimacy, many individuals report it feels like sex is all they are good for. I had one client say, "I feel like a prostitute to him." It is never a good thing for couples to ONLY touch each other when sex is involved. Sometimes, partners need touch for comfort or to feel connected with no strings attached.
At the same time, if the relationship is always focused on the intimacy side of things, couples begin to feel more like friends or roommates. If all touch is non-sexual, it can feel as though your partner is not attracted to you. It's important to create a healthy balance of both eroticism and intimacy.
We will discuss the next 10 principles over the next few weeks. Stay tuned.
Angela Skurtu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the owner a private practice St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, April 4, 2014
How to Give a Girl Oral Sex Part 2
Today, I would like to add a few suggestions to last week's post about giving a girl oral sex. In addition to focusing on a girl's clitoris, there are several ways to spice up oral sex that include other touches, movements or kisses.
Women tend to like to feel connected to their partner. While you are giving oral sex with your mouth, you can use your hands to touch other parts of her. For example, you can be rubbing your hands up and down her legs either softly or roughly depending on what she responds mostly too. Some girls also enjoy when your hands are touching her butt or tickling her butt.
You can also roam your hands up and softly caress her breasts. Some women may enjoy it if you squeeze or pinch the nipples. Other women are sensitive to this type of touch and prefer softer grazing touches. Other women may be initially sensitive, but enjoy getting their nipples squeezed while they orgasm. A unique thing about body parts is that depending on how aroused you are, the way you are touched can feel different. You may want to try a touch again after you have engaged in some foreplay to see if the feeling has changed.
Keep the discussion open with your partner for what she enjoys the most. It helps to discuss after sex what she enjoyed most so you remember it for next time. However, remember to give some time to bask in the moment before discussing the dos and don'ts. The end of sex includes the time it takes to come down from the high or euphoria after sex.
Talking during oral sex can be a real turn on as well. For example, you may take a break every now and then, look up at her with loving eyes, and tell her she is beautiful or sexy. Then go back down on her and start kissing her vagina again.
You can also spice things up by inserting a finger or two or three inside her vagina while licking her clitoris. The come hither motion is the most popular one which involves inserting two fingers with the palm of your hand facing up toward the ceiling. The two fingers move upward at the same time in a circular motion. Other finger movements include one finger in circling to touch different areas inside the vagina.
Feel free to switch up when you are kissing the vagina and when you are using your fingers. It feels good to use a variety of motions. As always, check in with your girl to see if she is enjoying what you are doing. Every woman is different.
Other variations can include the 69 in which each of your genitals are touching each other's mouths. Usually this is done with the girl on top sitting on the other person's face. Some women really enjoy this because they can both give and receive oral pleasure. Other's like it when oral sex is given in turns so each person can feel like the priority. I think it is good to have a combination of both.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. For more information or to make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Women tend to like to feel connected to their partner. While you are giving oral sex with your mouth, you can use your hands to touch other parts of her. For example, you can be rubbing your hands up and down her legs either softly or roughly depending on what she responds mostly too. Some girls also enjoy when your hands are touching her butt or tickling her butt.
You can also roam your hands up and softly caress her breasts. Some women may enjoy it if you squeeze or pinch the nipples. Other women are sensitive to this type of touch and prefer softer grazing touches. Other women may be initially sensitive, but enjoy getting their nipples squeezed while they orgasm. A unique thing about body parts is that depending on how aroused you are, the way you are touched can feel different. You may want to try a touch again after you have engaged in some foreplay to see if the feeling has changed.
Keep the discussion open with your partner for what she enjoys the most. It helps to discuss after sex what she enjoyed most so you remember it for next time. However, remember to give some time to bask in the moment before discussing the dos and don'ts. The end of sex includes the time it takes to come down from the high or euphoria after sex.
Talking during oral sex can be a real turn on as well. For example, you may take a break every now and then, look up at her with loving eyes, and tell her she is beautiful or sexy. Then go back down on her and start kissing her vagina again.
You can also spice things up by inserting a finger or two or three inside her vagina while licking her clitoris. The come hither motion is the most popular one which involves inserting two fingers with the palm of your hand facing up toward the ceiling. The two fingers move upward at the same time in a circular motion. Other finger movements include one finger in circling to touch different areas inside the vagina.
Feel free to switch up when you are kissing the vagina and when you are using your fingers. It feels good to use a variety of motions. As always, check in with your girl to see if she is enjoying what you are doing. Every woman is different.
Other variations can include the 69 in which each of your genitals are touching each other's mouths. Usually this is done with the girl on top sitting on the other person's face. Some women really enjoy this because they can both give and receive oral pleasure. Other's like it when oral sex is given in turns so each person can feel like the priority. I think it is good to have a combination of both.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. For more information or to make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Friday, March 21, 2014
How to Give a Girl Oral Sex
Today, I would like to teach guys and gals how to give oral sex to a woman. To start, you have to get to know your partner and what they like. It helps when couples sit down and actually talk about what has felt good in the past or even what they do to themselves when masturbating.
When some girls masturbate, they touch around the vagina first and then go to the clitoris. Other girls don't even start with the vagina. They may start with a warm bath, thinking of a fantasy, touching other parts of their body to get things going and then head to the vagina. Whatever the case, ask your girl what she would prefer you to do.
Next, I'll offer a few pointers for your own knowledge. While many guys tend to be okay with someone touching their penis right away. Girls sometimes want there to be a focus on other body parts first. Think of guys being like microwaves and girls being like ovens. For a girl, it helps to preheat the oven.
You can preheat the oven by kissing around her neck and ears, kissing down her belly, over her chest and even on her legs. You can also French kiss each other while touching some of these parts of the body. Spend at least some time making out. For each situation, the amount of time may be different. Girls like variety, so it is good to mix it up. Sometimes spend 20 to 30 minutes making out before going down on her. Other times, if you have already been flirting throughout the day or you can tell she is really in the mood, you can go down after five minutes. Either way, try to mix it up.
When you do go down, you can use a variety of positions. For example, you can be standing up, push her against the wall, and go down on her on your knees. You can also push her onto the edge of the bed and be on your knees leaning over her vagina. Another position is for her to be laid out flat on the bed or with her legs up in a V shape with your face over her vagina. Like I said before, it's good to switch things up.
Once you are down there, start giving a mixture of pecks and French kisses above the pubes around the side of the vagina on the legs while every now and then going straight for the vagina and then moving away again. This technique can cause her to feel some anticipation or longing. If she tries to move your head to her vagina, you can start to kiss her there and then switch it up again by kissing the top, the sides, even into the pubes if you feel up for it.
Let her guide you with her moans, words and or movements. Sometimes girls will try to shift you by shifting their body. This can be a great time to say, "Where do you want me to go next?" For the girls receiving oral sex, gently encourage your partner by praising things that feel good, and guiding them to the areas you want them to spend more time in.
After a little teasing, start licking in the inner labia. This is the wetter, reddish or darker area of the vagina. For some people it is difficult to find the clitoris because the inner labia can have several folds and layers. The clitoris also hides under something called the clitoral hood. Ask your girl to show you where her clitoris is located. You can start by licking the inner labia on either side and then licking the clitoris.
A few different techniques to try: 1) Trace your ABCs across the clitoris. Trace the tongue into an A, a B, etc. This can stimulate the clitoris in a variety of ways and is very sexy. 2) Use your tongue in circles around the clitoris. 3) Flatten your tongue and lick in an upward motion ending with the tip of the tongue. Use long slow strokes. 4) Use quick, short flicks on the clitoris while simultaneously lifting open and releasing the clitoral hood. 5) Use your tongue like a vibrator and try to quickly tap the clitoris. You can also incorporate a variety of the above techniques into one oral sex session.
These are just a few examples of things you may try. For anything you use, check with your girl on what feels good to her. The challenging thing about oral sex is that each person enjoys it differently. Some girls like more of the spontaneity while other girls have specific movements that drive them crazy.
If you are still at a loss, it can also be helpful to have your girl pick out a movie that shows how she likes to receive oral sex. Watch it together and have her point out the specific things she might want you to try. Then try them and see what works. The ultimate goal is to keep learning about each other and to take your cues from her.
Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that focuses on couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
When some girls masturbate, they touch around the vagina first and then go to the clitoris. Other girls don't even start with the vagina. They may start with a warm bath, thinking of a fantasy, touching other parts of their body to get things going and then head to the vagina. Whatever the case, ask your girl what she would prefer you to do.
Next, I'll offer a few pointers for your own knowledge. While many guys tend to be okay with someone touching their penis right away. Girls sometimes want there to be a focus on other body parts first. Think of guys being like microwaves and girls being like ovens. For a girl, it helps to preheat the oven.
You can preheat the oven by kissing around her neck and ears, kissing down her belly, over her chest and even on her legs. You can also French kiss each other while touching some of these parts of the body. Spend at least some time making out. For each situation, the amount of time may be different. Girls like variety, so it is good to mix it up. Sometimes spend 20 to 30 minutes making out before going down on her. Other times, if you have already been flirting throughout the day or you can tell she is really in the mood, you can go down after five minutes. Either way, try to mix it up.
When you do go down, you can use a variety of positions. For example, you can be standing up, push her against the wall, and go down on her on your knees. You can also push her onto the edge of the bed and be on your knees leaning over her vagina. Another position is for her to be laid out flat on the bed or with her legs up in a V shape with your face over her vagina. Like I said before, it's good to switch things up.
Once you are down there, start giving a mixture of pecks and French kisses above the pubes around the side of the vagina on the legs while every now and then going straight for the vagina and then moving away again. This technique can cause her to feel some anticipation or longing. If she tries to move your head to her vagina, you can start to kiss her there and then switch it up again by kissing the top, the sides, even into the pubes if you feel up for it.
Let her guide you with her moans, words and or movements. Sometimes girls will try to shift you by shifting their body. This can be a great time to say, "Where do you want me to go next?" For the girls receiving oral sex, gently encourage your partner by praising things that feel good, and guiding them to the areas you want them to spend more time in.
After a little teasing, start licking in the inner labia. This is the wetter, reddish or darker area of the vagina. For some people it is difficult to find the clitoris because the inner labia can have several folds and layers. The clitoris also hides under something called the clitoral hood. Ask your girl to show you where her clitoris is located. You can start by licking the inner labia on either side and then licking the clitoris.
A few different techniques to try: 1) Trace your ABCs across the clitoris. Trace the tongue into an A, a B, etc. This can stimulate the clitoris in a variety of ways and is very sexy. 2) Use your tongue in circles around the clitoris. 3) Flatten your tongue and lick in an upward motion ending with the tip of the tongue. Use long slow strokes. 4) Use quick, short flicks on the clitoris while simultaneously lifting open and releasing the clitoral hood. 5) Use your tongue like a vibrator and try to quickly tap the clitoris. You can also incorporate a variety of the above techniques into one oral sex session.
These are just a few examples of things you may try. For anything you use, check with your girl on what feels good to her. The challenging thing about oral sex is that each person enjoys it differently. Some girls like more of the spontaneity while other girls have specific movements that drive them crazy.
If you are still at a loss, it can also be helpful to have your girl pick out a movie that shows how she likes to receive oral sex. Watch it together and have her point out the specific things she might want you to try. Then try them and see what works. The ultimate goal is to keep learning about each other and to take your cues from her.
Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that focuses on couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Developing Sexual Confidence
Several clients tell me they lack confidence in general, but more specifically sexual confidence. This can be very challenging because it leads to behaviors that can inhibit sex. Examples include 1) Keeping your clothes on during sex because you are insecure about your looks; 2) Avoiding bringing up a secret fantasy such as an interest in using sex toys; 3) An inability to tell your partner what you like in the moment. These example can lead couples to feel like they don't know their partner very well.
Confidence is a challenging issue because of where confidence comes from. You have to have a combination of internal belief in yourself as a worthy person and external validation from others that you are a worthy person.
First look inward. What self-talk is going on in your head? Are the things you say kind or very mean? My guess is that it is negative self talk such as 1) "You were so stupid just then!" 2) "Why should I even ask? Nobody will listen," 3) "I hate it when he sees my breasts! They are so ugly!"
When you recognize the negative self talk, practice replacing those words with positive or neutral self talk. Practice saying these things even if you don't believe it at first. Over time, you can begin to develop more self confidence. Examples 1) "My breasts are beautiful." 2) "My opinion can be helpful." 3) "I am smart."
Second, change your stance. Typically, people who lack confidence also stand and sit in positions that show powerlessness. You can use Power Poses to help yourself physically feel confident. Standing in very commanding positions that take up space for periods of time throughout the day helps people feel confident over time. Example: Stand like Wonder Woman for 5 minutes daily.
Third, change your appearance. When people feel down, they typically dress the part-wearing sweats, putting hair into a pony tail, etc. When you have your worst days, practice dressing for success. Put your best outfit on. Wear makeup. Every time you look in the mirror, you will feel better because you look good.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Confidence is a challenging issue because of where confidence comes from. You have to have a combination of internal belief in yourself as a worthy person and external validation from others that you are a worthy person.
First look inward. What self-talk is going on in your head? Are the things you say kind or very mean? My guess is that it is negative self talk such as 1) "You were so stupid just then!" 2) "Why should I even ask? Nobody will listen," 3) "I hate it when he sees my breasts! They are so ugly!"
When you recognize the negative self talk, practice replacing those words with positive or neutral self talk. Practice saying these things even if you don't believe it at first. Over time, you can begin to develop more self confidence. Examples 1) "My breasts are beautiful." 2) "My opinion can be helpful." 3) "I am smart."
Second, change your stance. Typically, people who lack confidence also stand and sit in positions that show powerlessness. You can use Power Poses to help yourself physically feel confident. Standing in very commanding positions that take up space for periods of time throughout the day helps people feel confident over time. Example: Stand like Wonder Woman for 5 minutes daily.
Third, change your appearance. When people feel down, they typically dress the part-wearing sweats, putting hair into a pony tail, etc. When you have your worst days, practice dressing for success. Put your best outfit on. Wear makeup. Every time you look in the mirror, you will feel better because you look good.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
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