Today, I would like to teach guys and gals how to give oral sex to a woman. To start, you have to get to know your partner and what they like. It helps when couples sit down and actually talk about what has felt good in the past or even what they do to themselves when masturbating.
When some girls masturbate, they touch around the vagina first and then go to the clitoris. Other girls don't even start with the vagina. They may start with a warm bath, thinking of a fantasy, touching other parts of their body to get things going and then head to the vagina. Whatever the case, ask your girl what she would prefer you to do.
Next, I'll offer a few pointers for your own knowledge. While many guys tend to be okay with someone touching their penis right away. Girls sometimes want there to be a focus on other body parts first. Think of guys being like microwaves and girls being like ovens. For a girl, it helps to preheat the oven.
You can preheat the oven by kissing around her neck and ears, kissing down her belly, over her chest and even on her legs. You can also French kiss each other while touching some of these parts of the body. Spend at least some time making out. For each situation, the amount of time may be different. Girls like variety, so it is good to mix it up. Sometimes spend 20 to 30 minutes making out before going down on her. Other times, if you have already been flirting throughout the day or you can tell she is really in the mood, you can go down after five minutes. Either way, try to mix it up.
When you do go down, you can use a variety of positions. For example, you can be standing up, push her against the wall, and go down on her on your knees. You can also push her onto the edge of the bed and be on your knees leaning over her vagina. Another position is for her to be laid out flat on the bed or with her legs up in a V shape with your face over her vagina. Like I said before, it's good to switch things up.
Once you are down there, start giving a mixture of pecks and French kisses above the pubes around the side of the vagina on the legs while every now and then going straight for the vagina and then moving away again. This technique can cause her to feel some anticipation or longing. If she tries to move your head to her vagina, you can start to kiss her there and then switch it up again by kissing the top, the sides, even into the pubes if you feel up for it.
Let her guide you with her moans, words and or movements. Sometimes girls will try to shift you by shifting their body. This can be a great time to say, "Where do you want me to go next?" For the girls receiving oral sex, gently encourage your partner by praising things that feel good, and guiding them to the areas you want them to spend more time in.
After a little teasing, start licking in the inner labia. This is the wetter, reddish or darker area of the vagina. For some people it is difficult to find the clitoris because the inner labia can have several folds and layers. The clitoris also hides under something called the clitoral hood. Ask your girl to show you where her clitoris is located. You can start by licking the inner labia on either side and then licking the clitoris.
A few different techniques to try: 1) Trace your ABCs across the clitoris. Trace the tongue into an A, a B, etc. This can stimulate the clitoris in a variety of ways and is very sexy. 2) Use your tongue in circles around the clitoris. 3) Flatten your tongue and lick in an upward motion ending with the tip of the tongue. Use long slow strokes. 4) Use quick, short flicks on the clitoris while simultaneously lifting open and releasing the clitoral hood. 5) Use your tongue like a vibrator and try to quickly tap the clitoris. You can also incorporate a variety of the above techniques into one oral sex session.
These are just a few examples of things you may try. For anything you use, check with your girl on what feels good to her. The challenging thing about oral sex is that each person enjoys it differently. Some girls like more of the spontaneity while other girls have specific movements that drive them crazy.
If you are still at a loss, it can also be helpful to have your girl pick out a movie that shows how she likes to receive oral sex. Watch it together and have her point out the specific things she might want you to try. Then try them and see what works. The ultimate goal is to keep learning about each other and to take your cues from her.
Angela Skurtu is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC a private practice that focuses on couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.therapistinstlouis.com.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
Developing Sexual Confidence
Several clients tell me they lack confidence in general, but more specifically sexual confidence. This can be very challenging because it leads to behaviors that can inhibit sex. Examples include 1) Keeping your clothes on during sex because you are insecure about your looks; 2) Avoiding bringing up a secret fantasy such as an interest in using sex toys; 3) An inability to tell your partner what you like in the moment. These example can lead couples to feel like they don't know their partner very well.
Confidence is a challenging issue because of where confidence comes from. You have to have a combination of internal belief in yourself as a worthy person and external validation from others that you are a worthy person.
First look inward. What self-talk is going on in your head? Are the things you say kind or very mean? My guess is that it is negative self talk such as 1) "You were so stupid just then!" 2) "Why should I even ask? Nobody will listen," 3) "I hate it when he sees my breasts! They are so ugly!"
When you recognize the negative self talk, practice replacing those words with positive or neutral self talk. Practice saying these things even if you don't believe it at first. Over time, you can begin to develop more self confidence. Examples 1) "My breasts are beautiful." 2) "My opinion can be helpful." 3) "I am smart."
Second, change your stance. Typically, people who lack confidence also stand and sit in positions that show powerlessness. You can use Power Poses to help yourself physically feel confident. Standing in very commanding positions that take up space for periods of time throughout the day helps people feel confident over time. Example: Stand like Wonder Woman for 5 minutes daily.
Third, change your appearance. When people feel down, they typically dress the part-wearing sweats, putting hair into a pony tail, etc. When you have your worst days, practice dressing for success. Put your best outfit on. Wear makeup. Every time you look in the mirror, you will feel better because you look good.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Confidence is a challenging issue because of where confidence comes from. You have to have a combination of internal belief in yourself as a worthy person and external validation from others that you are a worthy person.
First look inward. What self-talk is going on in your head? Are the things you say kind or very mean? My guess is that it is negative self talk such as 1) "You were so stupid just then!" 2) "Why should I even ask? Nobody will listen," 3) "I hate it when he sees my breasts! They are so ugly!"
When you recognize the negative self talk, practice replacing those words with positive or neutral self talk. Practice saying these things even if you don't believe it at first. Over time, you can begin to develop more self confidence. Examples 1) "My breasts are beautiful." 2) "My opinion can be helpful." 3) "I am smart."
Second, change your stance. Typically, people who lack confidence also stand and sit in positions that show powerlessness. You can use Power Poses to help yourself physically feel confident. Standing in very commanding positions that take up space for periods of time throughout the day helps people feel confident over time. Example: Stand like Wonder Woman for 5 minutes daily.
Third, change your appearance. When people feel down, they typically dress the part-wearing sweats, putting hair into a pony tail, etc. When you have your worst days, practice dressing for success. Put your best outfit on. Wear makeup. Every time you look in the mirror, you will feel better because you look good.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Is it OKAY to Fantasize about Someone Else during Sex with your Partner?
The answer to this question is "sure, to an extent." First off, it is common for people to think about a variety of things during sex. You may think of a sexy video or TV scene you watched. You may think of a recent excerpt of a book that turned you on. You may imagine your partner as the actor in the video doing those sexy things to you or you may close your eyes and imagine the actor/actress is your partner.
In general, fantasies that stay fantasies don't cause any trouble. Use them wisely because they can help you achieve orgasm in an otherwise mundane sexual experience. But understand that just because you have a fantasy, doesn't mean it will come to fruition. For example, many people fantasize about group sex or sex with more than one partner. While this may happen for some polyamorous couples, a good number of people will remain monogamous. It is important to respect and understand your partner's limits.
In order delve further into this topic, let's discuss open communication versus closed communication. Some people are more open about their fantasies than others. For example, if your partner is very reactive to seemingly benign sexual fantasies shared, it may not be a good idea to share that you sometimes fantasize about the actress from True Blood during orgasm. I would take your cues about whether to share from your partner. If they are open to discuss deep fantasies, then it is fine to talk about them. In some cases, it can be a great experience to reassure one another that you both fantasize about dirty perverted things.
One thing I would warn people about is fantasizing too much or too often about the same thing. For example, say you start to fantasize about your neighbor. For a good month, they are the only person you fantasize about during sex. The challenge here is that any time we focus our mind solely on one fantasy, we close ourselves off to the variety of sexual options out there. In some cases, individuals get to a point where they can't even orgasm without that particular situation, fantasy or fetish. This can feel very limiting to both you and your partner.
In addition, thinking solely about that one person who is not your partner opens the door to potential infidelities. It's similar to when an athlete spends a lot of time visualizing the track he is about to run. He goes over the different hurdles, he plans his attack, and he imagines the features of the course. This prepares him to run his race well and is its own form of mental training.
When you keep your mind focused solely on one person that is potentially someone you could cheat on your partner with, in a way, it is training your mind in how you would do that. A good number of people who did cheat reported they had fantasized about the other person before engaging in the relationship.
Does this mean you can never fantasize about another person? No. Like I said before, it is common for people to imagine a variety of people, places and things in fantasy land. What's important it that any fantasy should be a piece of the puzzle, not the entire puzzle.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focusing in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
In general, fantasies that stay fantasies don't cause any trouble. Use them wisely because they can help you achieve orgasm in an otherwise mundane sexual experience. But understand that just because you have a fantasy, doesn't mean it will come to fruition. For example, many people fantasize about group sex or sex with more than one partner. While this may happen for some polyamorous couples, a good number of people will remain monogamous. It is important to respect and understand your partner's limits.
In order delve further into this topic, let's discuss open communication versus closed communication. Some people are more open about their fantasies than others. For example, if your partner is very reactive to seemingly benign sexual fantasies shared, it may not be a good idea to share that you sometimes fantasize about the actress from True Blood during orgasm. I would take your cues about whether to share from your partner. If they are open to discuss deep fantasies, then it is fine to talk about them. In some cases, it can be a great experience to reassure one another that you both fantasize about dirty perverted things.
One thing I would warn people about is fantasizing too much or too often about the same thing. For example, say you start to fantasize about your neighbor. For a good month, they are the only person you fantasize about during sex. The challenge here is that any time we focus our mind solely on one fantasy, we close ourselves off to the variety of sexual options out there. In some cases, individuals get to a point where they can't even orgasm without that particular situation, fantasy or fetish. This can feel very limiting to both you and your partner.
In addition, thinking solely about that one person who is not your partner opens the door to potential infidelities. It's similar to when an athlete spends a lot of time visualizing the track he is about to run. He goes over the different hurdles, he plans his attack, and he imagines the features of the course. This prepares him to run his race well and is its own form of mental training.
When you keep your mind focused solely on one person that is potentially someone you could cheat on your partner with, in a way, it is training your mind in how you would do that. A good number of people who did cheat reported they had fantasized about the other person before engaging in the relationship.
Does this mean you can never fantasize about another person? No. Like I said before, it is common for people to imagine a variety of people, places and things in fantasy land. What's important it that any fantasy should be a piece of the puzzle, not the entire puzzle.
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice focusing in couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Sexual Fetishes-Opening Up Ideas with your Partner
A lot of people have fetishes for different things. For example, ever since "50 Shades of Grey," came out, a lot of women have told me they are interested in a man being dominant with them in the bedroom. Now granted, not every woman is interested in dating a jerk like the main character Mr. Grey-how shall I say-serious commitment issues!
So how do you bring up the idea of dominance or any other fetish with your partner in a palatable way? For starters, if you liked a scene in that book or any other book for that matter, ask your partner to read that small clip. Once he or she has read it, have a discussion about what specifically you liked in that segment.
What you will find is that you and your partner will likely be drawn to different segments of the scene. Don't despair! Just learn about your differences and point out the specific things you like about it. Then have a conversation about what pieces you could try in the bedroom. If your partner is willing, that is a great step!
Next, practice it a few times. Do not expect it to go perfectly the first few times you try it! In fact, expect it to go completely different and even screw up a little bit. Be willing to laugh and learn. Just like when you first rode a bicycle, you didn't magically ride it perfectly with no mistakes. You fumbled a little, you might have scraped your knee even. Respect the process and you will get much better at it.
Over time, you will get better at adding this idea and others. And finally, remember that any fetish should be a piece of the sexual cake, not the entire cake. Everyone needs variety and it gets old if every time you have sex there is only one way to do so. Enjoy!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com to make an appointment.
So how do you bring up the idea of dominance or any other fetish with your partner in a palatable way? For starters, if you liked a scene in that book or any other book for that matter, ask your partner to read that small clip. Once he or she has read it, have a discussion about what specifically you liked in that segment.
What you will find is that you and your partner will likely be drawn to different segments of the scene. Don't despair! Just learn about your differences and point out the specific things you like about it. Then have a conversation about what pieces you could try in the bedroom. If your partner is willing, that is a great step!
Next, practice it a few times. Do not expect it to go perfectly the first few times you try it! In fact, expect it to go completely different and even screw up a little bit. Be willing to laugh and learn. Just like when you first rode a bicycle, you didn't magically ride it perfectly with no mistakes. You fumbled a little, you might have scraped your knee even. Respect the process and you will get much better at it.
Over time, you will get better at adding this idea and others. And finally, remember that any fetish should be a piece of the sexual cake, not the entire cake. Everyone needs variety and it gets old if every time you have sex there is only one way to do so. Enjoy!
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. Call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com to make an appointment.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Sex, Wine and Chocolate Seminar
It's that time again when romance is in the air and you start thinking about how to celebrate the love you have-Valentine's Day! What better way to celebrate this lovely day then by getting a little sex education!
Come to the next Sex, Wine and Chocolate Seminar. This session features 3 very interesting women who know a lot about sex. Our first speaker is Dr. Naughton, a local Urologist with the Center for Sexual Health Metropolitan Urological Specialists. She works with both men and women and is one of the only Urologists in St. Louis who specializes in sexual medicine. She will be speaking about common female sexual dysfunctions and the medical options available to treat these problems.
Second to speak is Brooke Kalisiak, owner of Legacy Physical Therapy. She is a pelvic floor physical therapist who specializes in the physical therapy treatment of women's sexual dysfunction. She helps women who experience pain during sex with specific exercises that help them work through the pain and enjoy sex again. She will speak about helpful physical therapy treatments she offers and educate women about bladder health.
Our final speaker is Angela Skurtu, owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Educator. She works with couples and individuals on creating a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life. Angela will be speaking about sexual health for couples-specifically about how to keep the spark in your relationship long term.
To purchase tickets to this event, please visit http://www.therapistinstlouis.com/pages/Events or call Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997.
Come to the next Sex, Wine and Chocolate Seminar. This session features 3 very interesting women who know a lot about sex. Our first speaker is Dr. Naughton, a local Urologist with the Center for Sexual Health Metropolitan Urological Specialists. She works with both men and women and is one of the only Urologists in St. Louis who specializes in sexual medicine. She will be speaking about common female sexual dysfunctions and the medical options available to treat these problems.
Second to speak is Brooke Kalisiak, owner of Legacy Physical Therapy. She is a pelvic floor physical therapist who specializes in the physical therapy treatment of women's sexual dysfunction. She helps women who experience pain during sex with specific exercises that help them work through the pain and enjoy sex again. She will speak about helpful physical therapy treatments she offers and educate women about bladder health.
Our final speaker is Angela Skurtu, owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Educator. She works with couples and individuals on creating a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life. Angela will be speaking about sexual health for couples-specifically about how to keep the spark in your relationship long term.
To purchase tickets to this event, please visit http://www.therapistinstlouis.com/pages/Events or call Angela Skurtu at 314-973-7997.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Sex Education for Parents with Teens
The most common form of sex education used these days is abstinence only sex education. Several local schools in the St. Louis area tout that they have a great program that encourages teenagers to be abstinent until marriage. The only problem is that research shows that abstinence only programs don't work. Why?
Many teenagers, whether we like it or not, will have sex before getting married. While it is a great ideal to wait until marriage, the vast majority of adults report that they did not wait. The trouble with an abstinence only program is that it doesn't teach kids how to protect themselves from STDs or unwanted pregnancies. It only teaches them to avoid sex.
What this creates is a complete lack of understanding about what factors cause STDs such as oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex without condoms. Many teenagers will not ask their parents for condoms and then engage in these activities without any protection. This has lead to teens in St. Louis having one of the highest rates of STDs in the country. We also have a high number of unwanted teen pregnancies for this reason.
The hard fact is that in addition to encouraging teenagers to wait, we really need to teach them how to be safe as well. Your teens will have sex whether you like or not, and isn't better to prevent unnecessary harm?
To think about this differently, do you remember when you were teaching your child to ride a bicycle? Did you give them a helmet to wear? By giving your child a helmet, you weren't saying to your child, "I support you getting into an accident. Go! Ride recklessly into the night!" Of course you don't support accidents. You still taught your kid how to ride and be safe, but you gave the helmet for just in case something happened.
The same could be said for condoms and birth control. Giving your kids these items does not mean, "Hey, I support you having a bunch of reckless sex. Go forth and enjoy your new found freedom!" No, you are still responsible for teaching your kids how to be safe, how to make the best choice for themselves, and how to decide when the time is right for them. However, you also give them a helmet (or condom) for just in case. Because your teen may not tell you when they do decide to have sex. An wouldn't it be better if they were protected just in case?
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that offers couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Many teenagers, whether we like it or not, will have sex before getting married. While it is a great ideal to wait until marriage, the vast majority of adults report that they did not wait. The trouble with an abstinence only program is that it doesn't teach kids how to protect themselves from STDs or unwanted pregnancies. It only teaches them to avoid sex.
What this creates is a complete lack of understanding about what factors cause STDs such as oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex without condoms. Many teenagers will not ask their parents for condoms and then engage in these activities without any protection. This has lead to teens in St. Louis having one of the highest rates of STDs in the country. We also have a high number of unwanted teen pregnancies for this reason.
The hard fact is that in addition to encouraging teenagers to wait, we really need to teach them how to be safe as well. Your teens will have sex whether you like or not, and isn't better to prevent unnecessary harm?
To think about this differently, do you remember when you were teaching your child to ride a bicycle? Did you give them a helmet to wear? By giving your child a helmet, you weren't saying to your child, "I support you getting into an accident. Go! Ride recklessly into the night!" Of course you don't support accidents. You still taught your kid how to ride and be safe, but you gave the helmet for just in case something happened.
The same could be said for condoms and birth control. Giving your kids these items does not mean, "Hey, I support you having a bunch of reckless sex. Go forth and enjoy your new found freedom!" No, you are still responsible for teaching your kids how to be safe, how to make the best choice for themselves, and how to decide when the time is right for them. However, you also give them a helmet (or condom) for just in case. Because your teen may not tell you when they do decide to have sex. An wouldn't it be better if they were protected just in case?
Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT is the owner of St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that offers couples and sex therapy. To make an appointment, call 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Affairs-A Practical Approach
One of the most common issues I deal with in therapy is couples getting over an affair. Affairs have a way of jarring people and shaking them to the core. For those who get involved in the affair, they question their marriage, their happiness, and even their choices overall in life. For people who have been cheated on, they report suffering PTSD like symptoms, they struggle to trust their partner, and suffer trying to put the pieces back together again.
There is no easy way to rebuild after an affair. As a therapist, I try to help people gain closure and figure out whether to stay in their relationships. If they do choose to stay, I help them take steps to rebuild trust and gain confidence in their interpersonal relationship.
My one wish is that it could be avoided for couples. In order to prevent this from occurring in your own relationship, there are a few steps you can take as a couple. Step 1, recognize you are capable of cheating. Anyone is capable. Whether you like it or not, you are a person who will likely find other people outside of your relationship attractive. Just because you find someone attractive, does not mean you need to act on it. It is natural to find others attractive and it is common to find a few people along the way that you could potentially develop a connection with. However, a new connection does not have to sever an old one.
Step 2, take steps to prevent affairs. Since you know it is possible, find ways to remove yourself or reduce contact with people who could pose a threat to your current relationship. For example, if you notice you find someone in your office attractive, avoid situations alone with them. These situations could include going out for cocktails, going on trips, or even just a friendly lunch. All of these situations can be potential starts of extramarital affairs.
Step 3, Invest in your current relationship. Often, people will say things weren't going well in their relationship when they found their affair partner. If you find yourself feeling distant or lonely in your relationship, do something about it. Spend more time together. Actively choose to think positive thoughts about your partner 4 times a day. Practice touching more both sexually and non-sexually. Commit to a daily cuddle time before bed. Explore new sexual horizons.
As always, seek counseling if the problems feel too big to solve on your own or if you are not sure what to do to make things better. Many people are already in decent relationships. We just take for granted what we have and forget to make our relationships a priority. There is always a chance to make a change for the better.
Angela Skurtu owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
There is no easy way to rebuild after an affair. As a therapist, I try to help people gain closure and figure out whether to stay in their relationships. If they do choose to stay, I help them take steps to rebuild trust and gain confidence in their interpersonal relationship.
My one wish is that it could be avoided for couples. In order to prevent this from occurring in your own relationship, there are a few steps you can take as a couple. Step 1, recognize you are capable of cheating. Anyone is capable. Whether you like it or not, you are a person who will likely find other people outside of your relationship attractive. Just because you find someone attractive, does not mean you need to act on it. It is natural to find others attractive and it is common to find a few people along the way that you could potentially develop a connection with. However, a new connection does not have to sever an old one.
Step 2, take steps to prevent affairs. Since you know it is possible, find ways to remove yourself or reduce contact with people who could pose a threat to your current relationship. For example, if you notice you find someone in your office attractive, avoid situations alone with them. These situations could include going out for cocktails, going on trips, or even just a friendly lunch. All of these situations can be potential starts of extramarital affairs.
Step 3, Invest in your current relationship. Often, people will say things weren't going well in their relationship when they found their affair partner. If you find yourself feeling distant or lonely in your relationship, do something about it. Spend more time together. Actively choose to think positive thoughts about your partner 4 times a day. Practice touching more both sexually and non-sexually. Commit to a daily cuddle time before bed. Explore new sexual horizons.
As always, seek counseling if the problems feel too big to solve on your own or if you are not sure what to do to make things better. Many people are already in decent relationships. We just take for granted what we have and forget to make our relationships a priority. There is always a chance to make a change for the better.
Angela Skurtu owns St. Louis Marriage Therapy, LLC, a private practice that focuses in couples and sex therapy. For more information or to make an appointment, please contact Angela Skurtu, M.Ed., LMFT at 314-973-7997 or visit www.TherapistinStLouis.com.
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